post gambler fallacy
by theway.youare13
Summary: Amanda's troubles after 15x17. Can Fin and Liv forgive Amanda? Easy question. But can Amanda forgive herself?
1. Chapter 1

"Liv, you should come by Amanda's place"

"I'm sorry Fin, I'm gonna need time and so does she. Let her think about what she's done." Olivia wasn't angry about Amanda's behaviour. She was disappointed. And worried. Amanda has had a hard time, with her sister then Nate and the girl they met at a meeting who used her to get rid of her lover. Olivia felt like she should have noticed something, she felt responsible in a way.

"It's not that… She called me about an hour ago. But when I got there, she refused to open. On the phone earlier, it didn't sound good.

Liv took a breath and although Fin couldn't see her through the phone, she nodded. "I'm on my way". Thoughtfully, she grabbed her keys and jacket and left the precinct

Fin hung up and sat in the staircase. He had tried to convince Amanda to open the door for about half an hour before calling Liv. He could tell by the way she sounded that her partner was panicked. Fin was already supposing the worse and his gut told him he was right. Amanda's undercover in the illegal club had just ended and she suddenly was in trouble? This couldn't be a coincidence. That's why he called Liv.

15 minutes after, he heard a slapping door and he recognized Liv's pace.

"So, what is it?" Liv didn't show it but she cared.

"She's in there, or somebody else is. Liv why would she call me and then refuse to open the door?" Fin looked her boss straight in the eyes.

"I don't mean to sound trash, but this is none of my business"

"Liv, stop it, something is wrong here" He was worried and so was Olivia even though she hadn't admitted it yet.

Olivia stroke her hair and moved forward towards the door. She knocked. "Amanda, it's Liv, are you in there?"

"Amanda could you open the door?" Liv's tone was soft and reassuring.

"'Manda I'm here with Liv, you called me a moment ago, I just wanna make sure you're ok."

They finally heard something. They supposed it was Amanda's hand touching the door, and after a few seconds she finally made contact with them "I'm ok". That's all she could say. She tried to sound relax.

"Amanda can you please open the door?" Liv asked once again, with the same nice and reassuring voice than before.

"I quit" was Amanda's dry answer.

Fin and Liv exchanged a worried look while Amanda completed her answer. "So would you please leave me alone, now?"

Amanda's voice seemed broken. Liv has done this job for so long that she could tell when someone was fighting to sound fine.

"Listen, we're not here about your job, we're here, because we care, so please, it's ok if you don't wanna talk with me, but there's Fin, here beside me, don't you think he deserves better than a closed door? Come on Amanda, we can work this out"

-Work this out- Amanda didn't want to hear these words ever again. Nothing will never be worked out anymore. But she didn't care. After all, she deserved it. That's what she thought. She deserved what happened for betraying her squad. Liv was right though. Fin deserved an explanation, so she finally decided to open. Her trembling hands refused to cooperate but she eventually managed to unlock and slowly open the door. She hid behind it. Liv was the first one to enter inside the apartment. Fin didn't have to enter. Seeing the horror on Liv's face he already knew what happened. Somebody hurt Amanda. He never should have left her alone.

If an hour ago Liv was sad about what had just happened with Amanda, now she absolutely let it behind and all she could feel right now was concern. Amanda couldn't stand on her foot, she was hurt. Her back? Her ribs? Maybe the stomach? They couldn't guess. Her hair were a mess, and she was staring the floor, avoiding any eye contact. In addition to the bruise under the eye that she got on the previous uncover job, she now had red marks around her neck. Liv was quick at looking to somebody's wound without being too intrusive. She also noticed the scratch around Amanda's wrist. Who could have done that? Probable some kind of vendetta: someone's working in the gambling club that had been forgotten?

For now, the important thing was to take Amanda to hospital, She definitely needed to see a doctor. This wouldn't be easy, she already knew that. Fin didn't know if it was best to let Olivia deal with Amanda or on the opposite if he should take the first move. He didn't have the time to take a decision though because Amanda had no intention to let them help her.

"Well, you've seen me, now… Can you leave me alone?" Her firm voice didn't fit with the way she kept staring the floor. Liv slowly took a step in her direction but Amanda moved backwards. "please don't"

"You need to sit down, we can work this out.."

"DON'T say that". Amanda pulled her hand over her ears. She was scared, and angry.

Liv didn't take it personally, she understood these words weren't appropriate.

"Ok" She whispered. The way Olivia whispered was always something Amanda had admired from her co-worker. Almost every reluctant victim always felt the need to talk to Olivia after she whispered that it was ok to tell her.

Fin slowly grabbed Amanda by the waist, she was tensed but didn't push him away. She didn't have the strength to. A part of her wanted to just open up and tell Liv and Fin what just happened. The other part of her thought it was useless. After all, she lied, she broke the trust they had in her and now she only had what she deserved. With Fin's help, Amanda sat on the couch. She was trying her best not to show that she was hurt, but of course she couldn't fool Liv and Fin.

With any other person this would not have been a good time to made a speech, but this was Amanda, and Liv knew the only way she could manage to make her trust her was to come back on what happened in her office a moment earlier.

She looked at Fin who understood what she wanted: some privacy with Amanda.

"Amanda, I want you to listen carefully. I wasn't happy about what just happened. I'm your boss and god knows sometimes it's the hardest part of my job. I'm not happy with the fact you lied to us.. But this has nothing.. and I want you to believe me when I say, this has nothing to do with what is happening now." Liv was trying her best to make eye-contact with the blonde to let her now she really cared about what happened. "I want to know who dare to hurt one of my best detective and I want to be sure that person never see the lights again. Do you get me?"


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you so much for your nice reviews, I didn't expect this. To thank you all, here's a new chapter. Also I want to let you know that I'm not english so.. I know there are probably some mistakes, I'm really sorry fot that. In the next chapter Olivia will meet lieutenant Murphy (I don't know how to spell it).  
_

* * *

Amanda seemed indifferent to Liv's words. She felt uncomfortable having this conversation, ashamed of who she was, about everything she's done. In addition to this, the pain in her stomach was getting more and more unbearable. Olivia hoped for an answer but didn't get any. She sat on the coffee table in front of Amanda, looking for a way to connect with her.

"It's gonna be a long road. But you can choose to use all you've been through as a strength in your job. You'll be able to understand what leads some people to choose a road they never imagined they'd have. You could win their trust and help them better. But first you have to focus on you. You can either rebuilt yourself or let yourself drown in your problems. It'll be the same amount of work. It's your choice and it begins now. If you decide to fight, you won't have to do this alone. Can you put a little faith in you?"

Amanda's teary eyes met Olivia's. "I don't know" She whispered.

Olivia gently placed a hand on her shoulder. Amanda's body tensed but she didn't push her. "Let's try, then" Amanda unconvincingly nodded.

"Good" Olivia whispered, offering a gentle small. "Can you tell me what happened?"

Amanda shrugged her shoulder. She wasn't sure about all this. Wouldn't it be better if she just left the town? Try again, somewhere else. Find a simple job, and ordinary life. Just her and Frannie. Maybe it would be for the best. Olivia didn't let her the time to hesitate. "Talk to me" Olivia briefly stroke Amanda's knee.

She didn't know why, but she couldn't refuse Olivia's request. She opened her mouth just like she was about to speak but no words came. She simply shook her head. Olivia encouraged her again. "It's ok". Damn, she was so gifted, it was impossible to refuse talking to her. Amanda decided to take this out like taking off a plaster: the quickly you pull the easier it is.

"When.. When I came back home.. there were.. these guys.. here waiting for me.. they.." She felt anxious. Could she really been doing this? If she didn't go on now she never would so she took a painful breath and nodded at Olivia, letting her know that she was about to continue. Olivia couldn't stop herself remembering Lewis, the day he abducted her. It was the same situation. But now wasn't the time to think about that, she said to herself, she had to focus on Amanda.

"They.. I didn't see them as soon as I came in.. I was… distracted. When I noticed them, they already had a gun pointed at me."

"Do you know them?"

Amanda shook her head. Was Amanda telling the truth? Olivia was wondering..

"Go on" she simply whispered reassuringly.

"They.. they hit me… that's all!"

That's all? They didn't say anything? They didn't do more? Olivia noticed the "that's all" came a little rushed that what it should have. Just like if Amanda wanted to make sure Olivia wouldn't ask. Amanda blamed herself for saying so. She after all also was a detective, and she knew it was awkward. Why couldn't she lie better now, when she just spent a few days, even weeks since she began gambling again, to fool people so naturally?

"Amanda, are you sure?" Olivia asked with concerned, insisting on each word, specially the last one.

Amanda didn't answer. She didn't want to lie but she didn't want to talk either. Olivia decided for now it was enough to convince her to go to hospital. Than, she'll find a way to know what really happened. Olivia suddenly noticed Amanda's clothes weren't torn. They seemed like home clothes: sweatpants and a large blue jacket. She had to ask.

"Did you take a shower?" She was hoping not

To tell the truth, Amanda had wanted to but she was too much in pain for entering in the tub. Changing clothes had already been too painful. Now she almost regret it. She shook her head and knew at this point that Olivia would be sure something else happened.

"Good Amanda, that's good" Olivia let out a breath and a light but warm smile

Amanda didn't know where to look anymore, the embarrassment was too much. Olivia noticed she was about to shut down and she couldn't let that happen now. "Amanda, I can see you're hurt, could you tell me where?"

Amanda shook her head, blushing. She didn't want to talk anymore.

"Let me have a look, I promise I won't hurt you"

Amanda stared Olivia's eyes. "I don't care if you hurt me" Her voice was a mixture between hopelessness and disinterest.

Olivia's only answer to this was a comforting nod while she stroke Amanda's hair. "I do". She slowly lift up Amanda's jacket to find herself looking at some nasty bruise on Amanda's stomach. She could tell they hit her badly. "You need to get this checked out"

"I'm good"

Olivia was sure this would have been her answer, fortunately she knew how to deal with it.

"I'm sure you don't want somebody to assist you in every move that you make, so the sooner you get better, the soonest you'll stop feeling that way … you know what I mean?"

I'll take you to the hospital meanwhile Nick and Fin will talk to lieutenant Murphy, let's be sure nobody's been forgotten.

Amanda's heart was beating so strongly in her chest. All this was going so fast. They couldn't investigate.. she didn't want to. But, why did she call Fin, then? A moment of weakness, probably. But now, how could she chase them away?

"Liv.. can… do you mind if I go with Fin..?"

It was weird in a way, that she preferred going to the hospital with a man than with Liv. But Liv knew what it was like to trust a partner. For whatever reason, the way Fin protected Amanda but always respected her privacy was something Amanda had always liked. Now, to tell the truth, the only reason she wanted to go to hospital with Fin was because she didn't want Olivia to learn what really happened and she thought maybe Fin wouldn't push her the way Olivia would.

"I'm taking Frannie with me.. I don't want her to stay here alone.. They could have killed her. Amanda got up refusing Olivia's help and knelt in front of Frannie. It was the most painful movement she did this last hour and she already knew she wouldn't be able to get up from the floor. She was cuddling tenderly the dog who happily wake up and was ready to leave in no time. Fin helped her up and she dried the single tear in the corner of her eye.

"Honey, you can't take Frannie to hospital" Olivia stated.

Amanda began to panick.. " wh.. I… she can't.."

"What if I take her with Nick and I while we go talking to the lieutenant?" Olivia suggested.

There was no way she'd risk to lose Frannie.. it was her whole life, so she accepted.

"Come on, let's go" Fin said. He hadn't heard a lot about what happened to Amanda since he was waiting in the kitchen but he wasn't in a hurry. The important thing for now was that Olivia had persuaded Amanda to get her wounds looked.

Amanda was reluctant. She was up, Fin was on her left, ready to help her whenever she would be ready to leave.

" There's.. there's something I should tell you" Fin looked at her with concern.

"Please don't look at me…" Amanda's lips were shaking, she was fighting hard to stay composed. "I… I wasn't raped… I….. I wanted it", she whispered, staring away.


	3. Chapter 3

_Thank you so much for your reviews, they gave me the motivation to write a new chapter already. For those who asked, Amanda will finally tell what happened to her.. but not now. Thank you for reading!_

* * *

"I wanted it"

Fin looked at Liv. It was hard for a stranger to read through Fin. He always seemed like nothing could hurt him. But Liv was an expert and she had known him for a long time. The way he frowned was enough of a clue for Olivia to understand how hard it was for him to hear that. Of course he didn't believe one second that Amanda had wanted it, she had a gun pointed at her, but this reaction was telling a lot about the way her partner was feeling right now. She was more devastated than what he thought. She was feeling guilty, and he wouldn't be able to change this feeling right now. But there was something he could help with, the physical pain Amanda was in. Even breathing had become painful, he could guess.

"Nobody wants to be threatened with a gun, Amanda. We all do what we have to to survive, in time like these." Olivia sounded convinced but Amanda didn't bother to look at her.

"You know what, let's not talk about it right now, you need to see a doctor. Come on girl"

In the car, Fin stayed silent. He always respected the way her partner wanted to deal with her personal life, but he needed to make sure she'd cooperate. It would be hard if Amanda was convinced she wanted what happened. For now, he promised that he'd let her the choice on everything and so she agreed to follow him. With every other "victim" he wouldn't have acted this way, but he was aware of the reason why Amanda wanted his company. Fin wasn't the talkative guy but he was smart: she wanted some privacy and deal with the hospital part letting her feelings apart. If she broke down now she'd feel too weak to go on. She was already exhausted. These past days, she didn't have the occasion to sleep much. The undercover job had been quite frightening and even though she skipped a few shifts at work she didn't rest properly. This tiredness made her feel more vulnerable than she already was, that is also one reason why Fin didn't make any objection until now.

Meanwhile, Nick had met Olivia and there were with lieutenant Murphy, hoping to find more about Amanda's attackers. Lieutenant Murphy didn't think somebody had been forgotten, after all, he has been working on this case for two years, but everything was always possible. So they went through the data he had collected. Murphy could see Olivia wasn't too friendly with him but he didn't ask. Soon enough, Olivia would let out what was bothering her. As a matter of facts, Olivia hadn't even finished the first file that she couldn't help herself.

"Didn't you think about the consequences?"

"I beg your pardon?" Lieutenant Murphy was expecting some attack, according to the fact Liv seemed very protective of her teem. He was confident, though.

"Amanda wasn't prepared. Didn't you think it wasn't careful to integrate her just like that?" Olivia's accusing eyes were staring at him.

Lieutenant Murphy stayed composed, he took out his glasses. "I didn't integrate her just "like that", like you say. I needed to make sure she wouldn't mess up with my work first. And I needed to be sure I could trust her."

"Yeah, and how did you make sure she fitted for you job, can you tell me?"

Well, she refused to do anything that would hurt somebody. But she was ready to … you know… sacrifice herself instead" He got up to grab his camera and show Liv the scene he recorded, in the gambling club.

"I'm not sure your impulsive detective should see that. We know each other right?" Lieutenant Murphy nodded smartly at Nick. Olivia was confused. How many things wasn't she aware of?

Liv hesitated but then didn't ask Nick to leave while she watched the video. He wouldn't have taken it well and she couldn't deal with him for now. He would have find out anyway

"I'm sure you were disappointed by detective Rollins gambling and the lies, I'm not defending her. But except fixing parking ticket she refused to do anything illegal. She was ready to sacrifice herself instead. She had already lost control, the only thing I gave her was an occasion to come back on the good side instead of destroying herself.

While Liv and Nick watched the video, Liv understood better Amanda's reaction when she claimed she wanted what had just happened. It was very hard for Liv to notice that Amanda didn't think about other options. Why didn't she call her instead? If Murphy hadn't been an undercover cop, than Amanda would have given what she could. And she would never have reported it. That's why now she thinks she deserves what had just happened. Maybe she didn't even fight. Olivia was very affected by what she had just seen.

"None of this should have happen"

"Don't blame yourself, go talk to Amanda, she probably know more that what she told you. You know, it's easy to slide in a dark world. With a gun pointed at her she refused to hurt someone else than herself. She's loyal." Lieutenant Murphy looked at Nick "They're loyal" and then again he added "Call me if you need anything."

She's loyal… no, she wasn't. The first person Amanda should respect was herself. The fact Amanda's gambling was out of control wasn't a simple mistake. She was feeling bad, she was already broken, and Olivia felt she should have noticed something. Lieutenant Murphy was right though. Now was not a good time for blaming herself. She knew better than doing the same mistake as Amanda. After all, she had more experience. Instead of thinking about what went wrong, she decided to focus on what could be changed now. It would be hard to win Amanda's trust. And now she knew she didn't have only to help her with what had just happened, but she also should focus on the reason why Amanda had been gambling again. An addiction isn't only a flaw, it's the reflection of a deep wound in Amanda's heart. Olivia won't let her fight alone anymore.

Amanda refused the rape kit, claiming that nothing that she didn't want happened. Fin convinced her to do it anyway in a very simple way. He explained her that Olivia would never let them get out of the hospital without having it done, so if she wanted to do it and than take it with her so that nobody could see it, than she should just go over it. Amanda knew Fin was right, if she didn't do the rape kit Liv would come here and gave her a speech until she made her change her mind so she might as well do it and then she'd be free to go. She was cold, like nothing was affecting her. She just followed the nurse and did what was told. Once she was done, she made sure she took the file with her, decided to keep any evidence of what really happened far away from her squad. She then joined Fin and asked him to take her back home.

"You can't go back home, it's a crime scene Amanda"

"It's not a crime scene and I really want to get some sleep now, please just take me home"

"Well, the guys.. they were inside your apartment this afternoon, right, they could have hurt Frannie.. Do you really want to stay there?"

Fin had made a point. Amanda didn't answer.

"So, are you coming with me?" Fin knew Amanda would risk her life but wouldn't be able to put Frannie in danger.

"I… I don't know… I could.. just.. rent a room.. I wanna Frannie back.."

"I'm gonna call Liv I'm sure she won't mind taking Frannie to my place. Come on, tomorrow you can go wherever you want, I'm tired now and so are you. Let's just get some rest"

Fin lightly smiled. He didn't give much of a choice to Amanda. But at least he knew she'd done the rape kit and she'd not be alone tonight.

"What does the doctor tell you?"

"Nothing" Amanda answered.

"Really?"

Fin kept wondering why Amanda didn't flinch when he touched her, why didn't she act like any other victim? Did she really wanted it? She was human after all, and everyone deserves a friend. Why didn't Amanda simply accept it?


	4. Chapter 4

Once again, thank you all for your nice comments. I love reading them so much :)

* * *

Fin helped Amanda to climb the stairs. She didn't protest because she was very tired and the only thing she wanted was to have a shower and go to sleep. Fin didn't inundate her with questions. He knew it was pointless now. As soon as they came inside Fin's apartment, Amanda asked if she could use the bathroom and Fin took advantage of this free time to call Liv and let her know they left the hospital. He asked her if she could take Frannie to his place, because Amanda was asking for her. Liv agreed and to tell the truth she was happy to have a valid excuse to come and see how Amanda was doing.

When Liv arrived at Fin's place, Amanda was already in bed. She didn't tell Fin but she had an abdominal strain and this was hurting her. She had excused herself as soon as she finished showering and made her way to Fin's guestroom: the one she already used when her sister and her had to move in with him. She didn't feel like home, but she was familiar to this place and even though she didn't admit it, she was actually reassured to be there and now that she heard Frannie was there too, the only thing she hoped was that Olivia didn't come to preach now. Unfortunately for her, 5 minutes after she heard a knock on the guestroom door.

"Guess who's there?" It was Olivia's voice. She was using Frannie as an excuse to come and check on her. It was nice, actually, only that Amanda didn't want to face her. Now, she just wanted to break down but she would resist a few minutes.

Olivia opened the door and Amanda couldn't help herself to smile at the sight of Frannie.

"Have you been a good girl?" She asked her dog, almost avoiding Olivia's presence in the room.

Olivia didn't mind though. She just stayed a few seconds, looking at the way Amanda cared for Frannie, the importance she had in her life. She thought Amanda should feel very alone sometimes, and she wondered if she had made any friends since she came in New-York. Fin was right, now wasn't the time to preach, Amanda would still be there in the morning and with a night of sleep she'd maybe open up easily.

"Try to rest Amanda.."

"Yeah" Amanda mumbled, focusing on her dog and most of all, not to cry.

Olivia felt the tension and she wanted to say something.. anything to let Amanda know she could count on her.. but.. She didn't find the way to let her know.. Maybe a good night sleep was all she needed too.

* * *

Olivia didn't get much sleep. The first thing she did in the morning was to call Fin. He explained that Amanda hadn't rest either. In fact, she'd been sick all night. Olivia, worried, decided to quickly go to Fin's apartment. Amanda was in bed, obviously in pain. Fin had asked her a few times if she needed anything but she pushed him away. Olivia softly knocked at the guestroom door and entered.

The scene she saw broke her heart. Amanda was curled on a side facing at her. She was shivering and grimacing in pain.

"Hey" Olivia knelt down beside her.. She rested her hand on Amanda's forehead.

"You've got a fever" she stated

Amanda didn't answer. She shook her head a little to push Olivia's hand.

"What did the doctor say?" Olivia wasn't surprised Fin didn't know anything about what happened at the hospital.

"I… I'm fine" Amanda mumbled. After a few seconds she felt sick again and had to head for the bathroom. Olivia hesitated. She followed her but Amanda closed the bathroom door and she took it as a clue for not disturbing the woman. When she heard Amanda finished she decided it was time to offer her help.

"Amanda I'm gonna come in"

"Don't" she heard Amanda answering, but she ignored her and slowly opened the door. Amanda was rinsing her mouth. She righted herself but still had a hold at the washbasin. Olivia observed her through the mirror above the washbowl and noticed her red eyes and the dark rings under them. Amanda's been crying. Alone, once again, lost and in pain. Now she wouldn't let her suffer like this again. It didn't matter how many objection she'd get Olivia would not give up. Amanda didn't deserve this, even though she truly believed she did.

"Come on, let's get you to bed"

"I can walk" Amanda painfully answered. She accepted Olivia's help anyway, not having the strength to fight. Once Amanda was settled in bed again, Olivia tried again.

"Honey, I need you to let me know what the doctor said. Didn't he give you any painkiller?"

Amanda hesitated but she didn't know how to answer it without sounding weak.

"Amanda, there's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm not going to let you deal with this alone so you might as well tell me". Amanda was stubborn, but so was Olivia.

"It's an abdominal strain.." Amanda announced in defeat. "I ... I should put some ice on it and painkillers but I didn't stop yesterday to buy them.. I.. I was tired and.." Amanda couldn't confess that she didn't dare asking Fin to stop at the pharmacy. Olivia guessed the reason but didn't make any comment.

"Well, Fin was about the take Frannie for a walk, so he could bring you the painkillers and I'm gonna get you some ice" Olivia got up and stroke Amanda's shoulder. "I'll be back in a sec"

She let out a sigh as soon as she left the guest room. How would she manage to help Amanda when she kept everything in ? An abdominal strain didn't cause the sickness, anxiety did. But the effort caused by vomiting got Amanda's stomach pain worse and worse. Olivia came back in the guestroom with an icebag soon after. Amanda dried a few tears as soon as she noticed Olivia's presence. The elder woman hesitated. Should she pretend she didn't see it ? She couldn't do it anymore.

She softly lifted Amanda's t-shirt and applied the ice on the bruise. Amanda looked away, she was tensed and clenched her teeth.

"You need to relax" Olivia whispered.

"I can.. take care of it myself" Amanda was ashamed and feeling useless.

"I know that honey… but I don't want you to"

Amanda was feeling better since Olivia was there, she really couldn't explain why, because the last thing she wanted was her pity, but she was so tired and Olivia seemed so nice. Too bad she didn't deserve it…

"Amanda, why don't you close your eyes, just for a while?"

This is exactly what Amanda wanted. But her brain apparently didn't agree. Last night every time she tried to sleep, she felt sick and had to get up.

"I… I.. It's not.." She couldn't even find what to answer.

"Just try and relax, it's ok to do so"

No it wasn't. It wasn't ok to just forget about everything. How could she forget she did everything wrong. She breathed in opening her half-closed eyes. Anxiety was winning again.

Olivia nodded and gave her a heart warming smile. "Let it go"

Amanda closed her eyes again. After all, even bad people had the right to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Thank you so much for reading and thanks to those who let a review or those who follow the story, It's really nice of you.

**WARNING:** This chapter contains mentions of "rape" or "attack". It may be rated M.

* * *

Amanda finally got some sleep. When she woke up it was almost noon. She had an headache and her stomach was still hurting her like hell. She felt a little disoriented looking around and then she remembered. The lies, the gambling, the undercover job, and the deserved price she got to pay for all this. She made herself a fool, lost her co-worker 's trust and she was feeling like shit.

Why was Olivia digging to find out what happened to her? Because it was her job, she stated. She got up slowly and as she couldn't hear a sound she thought she was alone. When she reached for the living-room she found out she wasn't. Olivia was there, reading some files. Amanda blushed. For a second she thought the brunette had found her rape-kit and decided to just having a look at it, but then she remembered she had it well hidden.

"You're awake" Olivia smiled.

Amanda found herself standing in the big leaving room, not knowing how to react.

"Why don't you come and seat with me?"

It was bad. Olivia would try again to make her talk. She couldn't refuse the offer though, because she barely could stand on her feet. Settling in a sitting position wasn't as easy as she expected.

Olivia went to the kitchen and came back a few seconds after with a box pill and a glass of water. "Here you go". This will help with your stomach pain. "Thanks" Amanda didn't wait any longer and took one pill, hoping it'd soon become effective.

"Would you try and eat something?" Amanda seemed terrified with this idea. It was the most immediate reaction she had had and Olivia took note of it. "Well, maybe later" She smiled warmly. "I'm gonna get you a cup of tea, at least"

"No.." Amanda objected. "No, it's not necessary", she really felt like a bother to anyone. Olivia didn't listen and a few minutes after she was back with a hot beverage. "Come on, you have a fever, you need to stay hydrated.."

"Why aren't you at work anyway?" Amanda tried to change the subject.

"Well, I got it under control, and I thought you might use some company."

Amanda rolled her eyes, she was nervous and Olivia could feel it. The brunette decided it would be for the best if they had a talk.

"I met Lieutenant Murphy yesterday. He's a good man."

Amanda knew where this was going and if she could turn back time, she would never had called Fin. She should have pretended nothing happened. Olivia seemed to read her mind.

"Are you going to act like nothing happened? Is this your plan?"

"I just want to get back home" Amanda whispered so desperately that Olivia didn't know how she was going to ask her about these guys that attacked her.

"Amanda you may not care about what happened to you, but we do. Fin's worried. Nick is out of control and I.." Olivia took a pause, trying to make eye-contact with the blonde "I feel like all this wouldn't have happened if I had noticed you were having a hard time"

"Liv, this has nothing to do with you.. I'm a big girl, I shouldn't have let someone hurt my feelings again, it's my own fault. I fucked up and now.." Amanda couldn't believe she just said that. Will Olivia ask about who hurt her feelings before Nate?

"Is this what it's about, you have to pay for what you did?" Olivia took Amanda's wrist and made Amanda look at them. "And these bruises, here, you wanted them?"

"I like it rough" Amanda answered staring away.

"What I think, Amanda, is that you are so mad at yourself that you just feel like all this is normal… it's not." Amanda had received a text and wasn't that focus on the conversation anymore. Olivia didn't know who it was from but it surely had an impact on Amanda since she became paler and paler. Olivia couldn't hide her concern. She placed a hand on Amanda's shoulder. "What is it?" No answer. "Amanda?" Amanda held the cushion next to her it with all her strength. "Nothing" she answered.

Olivia grabbed Amanda's hands "You need to let go, honey… it's ok… just let me help"

Amanda's stomach turned again. She got up and almost ran in the bathroom with Olivia following her. her stomach was already empty but she couldn't stop herself from feeling sick. Olivia kneeled behind the blonde and stroke the back of her head. "it's allright", the brunette kept saying while Amanda was out of breath. She sat against the wall and closed her eyes. Olivia went for the kitchen and came back with a glass of water. Amanda, ashamed, accepted it, still trying to catch her breath.

"Are you feeling better?" Olivia looked at her with concern. Still leaning against the wall, supressing a sob, Amanda was slowly losing it.

Olivia didn't say anything, she simply sat next to her and hold her hand. That's how Amanda began to cry. First a few tears, and soon she wasn't able to stop. Olivia hold her in her arms whispering words of comfort and letting her calming down in her own time. "Th… they.. they didn't r.. rape me.. they… they..."

Olivia didn't expect Amanda to open up right now but she was ready to listen whatever she had to say.. "Tell me... I want to hear it... " Olivia assured her.

Amanda took a deep breath and tried again. "They said.. I was too disgustiiing…" Amanda managed to avoid through her tears.

While stroking her hair, Olivia asked for more details. "What did they do Manda?" Her voice was soft and comforting. "They… they.." Amanda shook her head. The words couldn't cross her throat.

"You can tell me" encouraged Olivia holding Amanda's hand a little stronger. "Just tell me honey"

Amanda was like in a black room filled with pain and anger, she couldn't feel anything except horror. But in Olivia's eyes she felt something reassuring, something that maybe was even too good to be true. She didn't deserve to be saved. but she couldn't stay in the dark no more, that's why she let out a shaking breath and let the words leave her.. "They .. took off my pants they... put.. their hands inside me.. they.. spat on me.. on my mouth... and and.."

"And what?" No, Amanda couldn't say it… It felt wrong, so wrong. She just hid in Olivia's shoulder, crying harder.

"Go on Manda.." Olivia begged. "I can hear it.."

"He.. put.. the… the… the gun between my legs.. almost inside me.. he… it hurt" Oliva's heart broke.

"The other guy he.. just he.. was.. touching himself he was.. sitting on me he.. when he came I got it.. on my body.. I ... I... It was.. " Amanda couldn't go on anymore. Her voice was breaking at each syllab.. She couldn't breathe.

She was finally letting go and Olivia was doing her best to catch her. To catch her tears, to catch her heart and she'd definitely catch the guys who did this. Just like a little girl Amanda let Olivia help her up and dry her eyes… She then followed the older woman in the leaving room, still sobbing. She curled in the sofa, hiding her face with her trembling hands. Olivia sat next to her, protectively.

"I'm here... I'm not gonna leave you... " Once the woman had finally calmed down, Olivia had to ask about what triggered Amanda's distress: the text she received a moment ago. Maybe it wasn't a good time, but Olivia couldn't let Amanda close down again. These guys were somewhere outside and Olivia wouldn't find peace before catching them.

"Amanda, can you tell me about what was the text you received earlier?"

Amanda began shaking again at Olivia's request.

"I need to know" Liv added, stroking Amanda's hair.

Amanda was still lying in a foetal position. She simply pointed out her phone on the coffee table, like giving Olivia the permission to look into it. Olivia reached for Amanda's phone on the coffee table and red for the message. It was from an unknown number. It was written: "eye for an eye" So this was it. Someone decided that Amanda should pay. And they weren't afraid to get caught. They went to her home, they were now writing to her. Amanda wasn't safe, she thought.

"M'sorry Liv." Amanda whispered before falling asleep on the couch from exhaustion.


	6. Chapter 6

Thank you all for your nice reviews. If you missed chapter 5 you may be "a little lost". It was when Amanda finally told what happened to her. Anyway, let me know what you think. :)

* * *

Olivia put a blanket over Amanda. She looked at the sleeping woman with compassion. She's gone through hell, and the worst part was, she truly believed she deserved it. She absolutely wanted to help her, but maybe it wasn't the best solution. Maybe Amanda should do a therapy? It would be for her best, but Olivia had the feeling that if she suggested such a thing to Amanda too soon, she wouldn't take it well. She would believe that Olivia wants to get rid of her. Olivia was confused, but one thing was sure, she had to find out who attacked Amanda.

She called Fin. Of course she didn't gave details about what happened to Amanda. This wasn't her story to tell neither was a something she could just drop through a phone. She just told him about the text Amanda received and gave him the number, see if he could trace it. She also explained that Amanda couldn't be left alone, according to the fact they had her number and her address, they had to suppose they maybe knew more about her. But Olivia was torn. Of course she didn't want to leave Amanda, but she also was a Sargent and her squad was short-staffed. For now, she decided until her team wasn't complaining, she'd stay with Amanda, at least until they were sure she was safe.

According to what Amanda said about her assault, her rape kit should contain the attackers' DNA. The next step would be to persuade Amanda to send it to the lab for an analysis. This meant Amanda should agree all this wasn't her fault.

The young woman was still asleep but she was short breath. Her cheeks were red and she was agitated. Olivia, already guessing what the symptoms were, put a hand on her forehead for confirmation. Amanda was burning up. Sickness and temperature could both be caused by anxiety. Amanda's body was yelling that she was broken meanwhile her mind kept fighting she could deal with everything alone. Olivia went through Fin's medicine chest looking for some fever reducer but of course didn't find any. She decided that an aspirin would be better than nothing in the meanwhile somebody could bring her something else.

She headed towards Amanda with the aspirin and slowly stroke her arm.

"Honey, you have to wake up"

Amanda, confused, opened an eye and closed it again, shivering.

"Manda you have to drink this" Olivia put her hand behind Amanda's shoulder and lifted her. "Come on, take it, you'll soon feel better" Amanda didn't really understand what was happening. She did as told and closed her eyes again.

Olivia applied a cold wet towel on Amanda's neck. The sleeping woman grimaced and shook her head a little.

"I know you don't like it, but try to stay still" Olivia advised.

She was worried the woman would soon be dehydrated as she almost didn't drink anything and adding to this she'd been sick since last night. She would be careful to make Amanda drink as much as possible.

Half an hour after the aspirin seemed to help lowing Amanda's temperature. Olivia was relieved but she still had asked Fin to buy some fever reducers and some KT tape for her abdominal strain.

* * *

When Amanda woke up again it was half past three. Olivia had eaten alone since Amanda refused any kind of food. She sat and called for Frannie. As soon as she heard her name, the dog came happily and rest her head on Amanda's legs. Olivia couldn't stop from smiling at the scene.

"You two are really close"

Amanda smiled. Every time Frannie was around her mood was brighter.

"Yeah.. I believe animals feel everything… If I'm sad.. so is she… and I don't want her to feel bad… How can I be sad when she's around?"

"I think you're right" Olivia stated. "And that's why…. Amanda, you probably don't wanna hear about it, but I have to… We have to catch the guys who hurt you.."

Amanda tried to avoid answering by keep talking to her dog. Olivia didn't mind, she knew it would be her best shot for Amanda to at least listen at her.

"I mean, you're an svu detective, what would you do if someone told you what you just told me… Would you think the victim had deserved what happened to her, and even so, is vengeance an excuse for hurting people?"

Amanda just shook her shoulders.

Olivia came closer. "Honey, you know it's not… No one deserves this… Frannie doesn't want you to feel bad"

"Liv stop… stop using Frannie to…" Amanda interrupted herself… She was being rude. Olivia didn't deserve this. She'd been there all day taking care of her. "M'sorry.. I didn't mean to.."

"No, no, it's ok, you're right.. I'm using Frannie as an excuse because I don't know how to tell you that I do care for you…. I really do. And I can't stand the fact that you think you deserve all this. You don't. I'd like you to believe me. I just wish I could help" Olivia wasn't the kind of girl who had lot of friends. In her job she was perfect: for listening, she was great. But when she had to speak about her own feelings, she was as awkward as Amanda. She was nervous and Amanda could feel it. Curiously, this is exactly the reason why Amanda believed she was being sincere. She'd never seen her boss being so careful with the words she was using.

"It's nice of you Liv" Amanda didn't know how to answer it. It wasn't only about the attack. Her life has been a mess she was young. But she always managed to have it under control. She couldn't forgive herself for collapsing. She didn't recognise herself anymore.

"I'm not being nice. I mean what I just said. I can't watch you suffering and do nothing."

"What.. what do you expect from me?" Amanda asked, still not sure if she'll be able to accept Olivia's request.

"We have to send your rape kit to the lab."

Amanda stayed silent, looking down.

"Every time you hear the voice inside yourself that tells you that all this is your own fault, I want you to answer it that it wasn't, that you do not deserve all this"

Amanda wasn't sure she could do it.

"At first, it may sounds you useless, but sooner or later, you'll accept it. You'll accept that you're human. When human suffers, they just want to blame themselves until they end up suffering more. It's absurd, but we all do it in a way.. "

Amanda was staring Olivia.

"Until we say stop" Olivia whispered. "Until we decide to accept ourselves. To forgive ourselves.

"And then what?" Amanda asked, looking for something, anything, to hold on to. She wanted to believe it was this easy, but how could she?

"And then, we move on" Olivia gave her a warm smile while holding her hands. Hope. That's what Amanda needed right now. Believe it'll get better until forgiveness becomes a reality.


	7. Chapter 7

"Amanda will you try and eat something, please?" "I don't know Liv… I feel.. disgusted by everything" It was understandable that Amanda had lost her appetite . "Just a little" Olivia reassured her and Fin got back from work soon after. "Good evening my girls, smells good" For a brief second, they looked like a cliché family. The mum cooking, the dad coming back from work and the daughter struggling with life's difficulties. "Well, don't get used to it" Olivia retorted. "It's about the only dish I can cook." Fin laughed but Liv knew something was up. "I brought the medicine you asked me to" Amanda was about to object but Liv didn't let her the time to. "Thanks Fin" She said looking at the blonde.

Fin wanted to talk with Liv in private. His first instinct was to find some excuse for it but he knew Amanda would have guessed anyway so he just asked her to come in the alley. Liv was about to follow him but Amanda interrupted.

"Guys don't that, I can hear it.. if it's about my…" She let out a breath.. "Well, you can talk here, please"

"Amanda is right , she'll have to know anyway"

Fin nodded. "That's about the message you received" Amanda didn't feel comfortable. Did Olivia told him about what these guys did to her? Anyway she just said she was strong enough to hear what Fin had to say so she didn't want to appear weak now.

"Go on" Liv didn't bother about cooking anymore. She was focused on Fin. Did he found the guys already?

"We managed to track to number… The message was sent from Brazil"

It was over. There was no way to catch them. Olivia knew time was running but Amanda didn't want to talk so there wasn't much she could have done. Anyway, it didn't matter why, but they lost Amanda's attackers. It was over.

Liv sadly nodded, still looking for some clue, something, anything.

Amanda let out a shaky breath. "It's ok".. She was confused. This was also her fault so she couldn't be disappointed now. And she had no reason to stay at Fin's. If the guys weren't in the country anymore, they couldn't hurt her. "I.. I should probably go back home.. I.." She was agitated, her stomach was still hurting her but she wouldn't complain. She didn't know where to look at. All she wanted was to disappear quickly.

"Wait, hey, Manda, we don't know if these guys really left yet. Maybe the message is just a set-up. Maybe.."

"It's not. You know what, it's better like that, I didn't want to.. I.." Amanda didn't find her words.

Liv stroke Amanda's arm. "Fin's right. We don't know about the message's authors and we aren't giving up. And as long as you're not out of danger I don't want you to stay alone. Amanda you're still recovering."

"I'm fine. Listen… why don't you just drop me home I.. wanna.. be alone" She admitted. She placed a hand on her stomach and from the grimacing Fin could tell she was in pain. He handed her the KT tape to her. "Manda we got this, don't overthink. You need to focus on yourself right now".

Amanda reached for the KT tape and nodded, looking at Fin with a blank expression.

Liv asked Fin to check for the meal and followed Amanda in the guest room.

"Can I come in?" Olivia entered and saw the woman in the dark. She was sitting on the bed and looking outside, so Liv couldn't see her face. "Fin meant it in a good way" Olivia assured while turning on the bedside lamp.

Amanda nodded. "I know. And he's right"

"Here, let me help with this" Olivia took the KT band beside and finally stood in front of Amanda. "Hey, why are you crying?" Olivia knelt down to read into her eyes.

"Nothin' " Amanda shook her head. "Liv I don't feel like eating I'm sorry" Her voice was broken and the tears filled her eyes. "I try to tell myself that I'm a detective.. or at least I was .. and.. I can let myself fall down like.. but.. I can't.. I... it's too much"

"It's ok to feel like this" Liv placed her hand on Amanda's shoulder. "It's absolutely ok to feel like this".

Amanda closed her eyes. Why even eating had become so hard? Amanda was tired of being the broken one.

"I got it.. you know.. I never grew up with somebody worrying for me.. If I ate, if I sleep… I know it's hard for you to accept our help now." Amanda was truly touched by Liv's words. She realised they were quite the same, they grew up too fast, and did everything by themselves. Except that Liv had succeeded. And she messed up.

"How did you.. How did you manage to thrive?"

"I don't know. The will. The same one you have."

Amanda shook her head. How could she say that when she had lost everyone's trust for a stupid addiction.

"Instead of blaming yourself you should ask yourself why.. What is that made you lose control? We'll get there… we'll figure this out.. you'll go through it.. but one step at the time Amanda… first step is… try and eat something.. I really don't want you to pass out" Olivia gave her a smile and help her to apply the KT tape on her abs. Amanda didn't protest although she wanted to. She lifted her shirt and looked away. "Am I hurting you?" Olivia asked, noticing Amanda's grimacing pain. Amanda shook her head.

"Manda are you hurt somewhere else?" Olivia asked with concern.

Amanda weekly nodded. "Yeah" Amanda looked down and Liv knew what she was talking about. "But I'll be fine, don't worry for that". "Ok" Liv whispered. "But remember, I'm a woman, there's nothing you should be ashamed to tell me" Amanda swore she could handled it and Liv felt she could trust her on this.

"Come on, let's see if Fin managed to burn the rice"

"Give me a minute?"

"Sure"

As soon as Liv was back in the kitchen Fin asked for her attention. "Liv, the woman who was raped.. during Rollins undercover.. She was from Brazil.."

"Right, this can't be a coincidence. His husband used to frequent the same gambling club Rollins did, he didn't know she was a cop until her wife got raped"

"He may have considered she set them up"

"And decided to vindicate her woman" Olivia stated.

"Amanda won't agree that we go interrogate that woman. She's already feeling guilty for what happened to her"

"True, but violence doesn't justify violence. Go there tomorrow first hour" Liv ordered.

Fin nodded and began to serve supper.

They both sat around Fin's round table and began eating quietly. When Amanda shyly joined them, they smiled. Fin got up and was about to serve but she took in a breath and looked at him in defeat. "I .. don't want chicken"

"It's allright" Liv reassured her. "Just have a little rice"

"Amanda sat down and began eating avoiding any eye-contact" Fin didn't recognise her anymore. After a few mouthful she excused herself and left the table. Fin wanted to go after her but Liv shook her head. Amanda needed her time alone. At least she had eaten something. It was a start.


	8. Chapter 8

Thank you so much for reading and even more to those who let me know what you think! you're all amazing! :)

* * *

"Amanda, can I come in?" Olivia didn't get any answer; she slowly half-opened the door. "Amanda?" Her voice was soft and concerned.

"Mmh?" Amanda was under the covers giving her shoulder to Liv.

"I'm going home. I just wanted to know if you needed something?"

Amanda dried her eyes. Olivia had seen her weak enough that day. She didn't know why she didn't have the strength to uncover her face though. "No, thanks. I'll be fine" Olivia entered the room and came closer to the hidden woman. She sat on the corner of the bed. Amanda uncovered her face and sat down. "I'm ok" She tried to sound like if she was really feeling better but coughed, still catching her breath which caused her a sharping pain.

"You will be" Olivia answered sincerely. "But you're supposed to rest your muscles" Of course Amanda wasn't crying on purpose but this wasn't helping the physical pain to go away. "Just try to relax" Olivia wanted to stay there and make sure Amanda was feeling comfortable but she wasn't sure it was what Amanda wanted.

"Couldn't you.. drop me home?" Amanda tried.

Olivia knew Amanda was slowly opening up to her. But each time she had the opportunity to run away, she still wanted to take it. "I can't do that honey. And I don't want to. Would you rather come with me?"

Amanda shook her head. "You've done enough. I'm ok, I am!"

"Don't do this. Don't do this with me. You don't need to lie to me." Olivia lifted Amanda's head so she could notice how sincere she was. "The first day back home after I was abducted" Olivia took a break. She wasn't sure if she could talk about that, she wasn't very comfortable with it. But after all, she should practise what she preached, if she wanted to get Amanda's trust and use her experience in a good way. "I was at Bryan's.. I felt… lost. It was the first time I had someone taking care of me."

Amanda carefully listened to Liv.

"I.. I felt.. like his presence was worsening the situation. I.. It's been hard for me.. to have him.. and I didn't talk much with him about what happened. I preferred talking with my therapist. But he was there, and, now, I understand how important he has been. He listened to my silence, he bore my anger, he.. knew about my nightmares. I wasn't alone. Nobody should stay alone after being attacked." Olivia shook her head a little and hoped that in a way she made her point.

"Liv I'm.. I, didn't want to remind you.." Amanda felt more ashamed that she already was. She didn't realise that her assault reminded such bad memories to Liv. She felt so selfish.

"Don't. Don't be sorry. And don't blame yourself. I really want to help. Just accept it."

Amanda shook her shoulders.

Olivia was about to bring up a sensitive topic, and she was hoping Amanda wouldn't understand it as a way to get rid of her. She'd been thinking about it for a while and she really wanted to find the best way to help Amanda. "Is there, is there someone you'd feel more comfortable talking with? Someone you'd like me to call? A friend? Or.. Maybe you'd like to see a therapist?"

Amanda closed herself in the second she heard that. Olivia could tell by the dark broken look she gave her. No. There was no one she could call, because she had no one. And no, she didn't want to talk with a therapist. She maybe would, in the future, but now, she didn't trust anybody, not even herself. She didn't want to answer that so she just turned her head away.

"Honey I was just trying to say that if you don't feel comfortable with me, we can find another solution. But I'm here and I don't plan to just disappear. And so is Fin. We're here for you" Olivia tried to place her hands on Amanda's hands but Amanda subtly placed them under the cover in order to avoid any contact.

"I'm.. kind of.. tired, if you don't mind." Olivia knew Amanda misinterpreted her words. "Sure.. try to rest. You call me… doesn't matter what time…" Amanda nodded, still looking away.

As soon as Olivia closed the door, Amanda broke down. She leant her head on the wall behind the bed and brought her knees close to her chest, ignoring the pain, her left arm hiding her face, she was crying her eyes out.

* * *

"You should give her a fever reducer, and bring her some ice, she doesn't seem to care about her well being. If she doesn't eat, than don't preach, she's working on it but at least make sure she drinks"

"Liv, I got this, go home and get some rest" Fin would be amused about how maternal Liv was showing herself if he didn't knew that the situation was serious and Amanda really needed someone to look after her.

Liv sighed. "I may have pushed her too hard. I just don't want her to.."

"She'll get over it. She knows deep inside we're on her side."

"Still, she's in shock. She's.. " Liv took a seat on the kitchen table. None of this would have happen if I had noticed she was hiding something. It's been weeks since she began gambling again."

"You know Amanda, asking for help isn't exactely her strength"

Liv interrupted him. "Yeah, that is why I should have seen in coming. The lateness! It wasn't like her. I knew something was wrong"

"If you blame you, than blame me. I'm with her 24/7 and I hadn't noticed she was still trying to get over Nate."

"Not only Nate, Lena, her sister, and god knows what else." She got up. Olivia was sad. She didn't mean to remind Amanda that she had no friends. She only wanted to find a better solution to help her. "Let me make sure she's ok and I get out of here"

"Liv you've been there 5 minutes ago.. She'll be ok. I've got this" Liv hesitated but Fin was right. She could trust him and she absolutely had to stop by the precinct.

* * *

Amanda waited for Fin to go sleeping. She was decided. She had to get out of here. She never should have called him in the first place. It was hard to breathe. She had to just disappear and she won't be a bother anymore. She had no changes of clothes with her but it didn't matter. She'd get a taxi anyway. She borrowed some money that was on Fin's desk and called for Frannie. She opened the door and hesitated for a second. Eventually Fin'll find out she ran away so it was maybe better to let him know that she was ok. No, she had to leave right now. She closed the door behind her and headed for the stairs.

Amanda was waiting outside for a cab, when she saw Fin coming in her direction. He wasn't running but it was one of the fastest pace she'd seen him adopt. "Amanda, are you out of your mind?"

"Fin, I'm sorry I.."

"You what? It's freezing outside, you already got a fever, don't make me use strength against you, come on" Fin took her by the shoulders and helped her to come back home.

"You wouldn't" Amanda mumbled

"Don't try me" Fin answered, half kidding.

Fin prepared some tea and handed a cup to Amanda. "Don't be a pain in the ass! Drink it."

"I'm tired I should go" Amanda tried to avoid a talk.

"Yeah you should go for a nocturnal walk, that's what I do when I'm tired too." Fin placed the cup in Amanda's hands. "Drink it" he added kindly.

"Could you… could we not talk about that?" Amanda pleaded.

"Manda, stop running away. We're here for ya" Fin's sincerity was a fact.

"I think… I think Liv's tired of.."

"Stop this… Liv never gets tired." Fin didn't even let her talk.

"But.." Amanda tried again. She was justifying her need of going away.

"But what? You didn't want to talk right? So I'm telling you. Whatever you're thinking it's wrong. So stop worrying."

Fin had this power. With a few words, he could reassure anybody. Fin wouldn't lie to her. She trusted him. And maybe he was right, just maybe.

"Fin... don't tell Liv about tonight"


	9. Chapter 9

Thank you ALL for your reviews... You make me so happy you have no idea!

**warning**: last chapter contain mention of Amanda's assault. (just like in chapter 5( so it may be rated M.

* * *

Olivia arrived at Fin's at 10 am. She first went to the precinct and made sure everything was under control. Last night, she had been there until 1am to catch up some task she should have done during the day. She didn't mind though. Amanda was her priority right now and she was determined to help her the best way she could. She didn't know why she dreaded the moment she'll see Amanda this morning. She had the feeling the blonde would have closed herself again.

Fin opened the door and the first thing he noticed was a box in Liv's hands. "Donuts! You're just on time."

Olivia gave him a smile. Of course she wanted to ask about Amanda. She tried to wait at least to enter in the apartment. Fin anticipated her request. "Relax, she's doing fine."

Olivia's astonishment was noticeable.

"Well, not fine, but she's been resting. She's having a shower right now. She may wanna pop over her place to take some staff"

Olivia nodded and Fin left. Nick was waiting for him to go on with the investigation.

* * *

Olivia helped herself a cup of coffee waiting for Amanda. She was lost in her thought when the blonde turned up.

"Morning" Amanda shyly said.

"Hey" Olivia tried to read her, but she couldn't find out any relevant clue. "Fin told me you got some sleep, that's good" Olivia was of course waiting for a confirmation.

"I need some clean clothes and.. things, if you .. if you don't mind"

Olivia didn't expect that kind of answer. Amanda seemed to feel better, her hair weren't a mess like the day before, she looked like she really got some sleep but still, had she recover in one night?

"Amanda how are you feeling?" Olivia knew she shouldn't cry victory too early. She began to understand how Amanda's trust worked: one step forward and two steps back.

"Better" Amanda nodded smiling a little.

Olivia didn't have a choice than agree for now. "I brought you donuts" She tried. She almost felt reassured when the blonde cringed.

"I.." Amanda simply shook her head.

Waking up, she had promised herself to regain control of herself today and she was already panicking for a donut. She felt stupid. Discouraged, she took place on the sofa. Olivia would of course follow her and she would finally cry. No, this had to stop. She did her best not to seem weak, focusing on not allowing sadness to show on her face.

" I can see you're feeling better and you're making efforts. And I'm really proud of you. I am.. I didn't expect that." Olivia stated, hoping this would catch Amanda's attention. From the sincere way Amanda looked at Liv, it worked.

"But honey. A little sleep doesn't cancel all that happened."

Liv warmly smiled. "Here it is, you're going to take one fever reducer and one pain-killer."

"But I.." Amanda was tired of this routine.

"Yeah, you may feel a little better although I know an abdominal wound takes at least two weeks to get better and months for the pain to completely disappear.

"I" Amanda didn't need to hear the same things again and again.

"Let me finish" Olivia added, not in a bossy way but more with a maternal tone that reassured Amanda.

"Then we're going to figure out what you'd like to eat… anything…"

From the way Olivia began her speech, Amanda knew this wasn't the only thing she would have to do during the day. "And then?" She asked with apprehension.

Olivia didn't know if it was the right time to ask for this. "Then, how would you feel about showing me your rape kit?"

Amanda became as white as a sheet. She stayed motionless for a few seconds than put her hand over her mouth, afraid she would empty her stomach again.

Olivia pulled her arms around the blonde's shoulders. "It's ok"

Amanda's hand were shaking, She couldn't take off the feeling of disgust.

"Take a deep breath Manda" Olivia encouraged, slowly taking her hand.

Amanda managed to do as told and calmed herself down relatively quickly.

"It's ok?" Olivia wanted to make sure the wave of panic had disappeared before trying again.

"Let's try it in another way, would you?"

Amanda wasn't sure what to answer. Still, Olivia was there instead of being at work and she's been so nice with her. She didn't feel the courage to refuse. At least, now she was ready and she would do her best not to panic.

"Could you try and tell me why you don't want me to see it?" Olivia thought maybe she could convince the blonde to change her mind simply reassuring her, but first she had to understand her fear. She already had an idea of course, but if she began talking about it, she knew the blonde would close herself so it was for the best to let Amanda express herself first.

The only problem was Amanda didn't know how to answer that. What should she say? That she was ashamed? Ashamed of what happened. Ashamed of being in trouble by her own fault. Ashamed a woman got raped. Ashamed she was good for nothing.

"Why?" Amanda simply said.

Olivia knew she needed time.

"Why.. are you still here, trying to help.. I.." She couldn't say it. "I messed up" She whispered in defeat.

"I'm here.. because I want to.. and for now, you really shouldn't think about anything else" Olivia knew Amanda was talking about the gambling.

"Last night, I wanted.." Amanda began and suddenly stopped, realising she was opening up about something so naturally.

"Tell me" Olivia coaxed.

"After you left, I" Amanda didn't know how to do it anymore. The natural feeling to open up had disappeared. "You know what.. it's kind of stupid let's forget it"

Olivia wasn't about to accept this kind of answer. Not now that Amanda seemed ready to confide something. "I want to hear it" She assured.

Amanda tried again. "I was sad after you left. I was feeling.." Amanda checked Olivia's eyes, just to be sure she wasn't doing something wrong but she only could see compassion. "I was feeling like a bother to you.. to anybody… I can't manage to do something good .. and you guys have to pay for this.. it's kind of unfair.. I decided.. to just go away.. I don't know I felt like I couldn't stay here one more second.. anyway.. Fin took be back home.. he said.. you.."

It was getting hard for Amanda to talk about it so Olivia decided to help her. "He said it was ok for me to be there with you?"

Amanda nodded, relieved Olivia got it.

"And you don't think this is right?"

"I don't know" Fin wouldn't lie to me. But..

"Honey, about what I said last night, I just wanted to make sure it was ok for you to talk with me.. but if you ask me, I wouldn't even let you alone at night. And.. I wish yesterday.. you just called me if you were feeling that way"

"Than I thought, if I make effort to be fine, you'll stop worrying about me"¨

"I won't." Olivia stated. "I won't stop worrying for you. I don't plan to just be sure you don't feel pain and leave you by yourself. If you let me enter in your life, I'm gonna stay in it. Be sure of that.

Olivia didn't get any answer but Amanda seemed to took note of the conversation, it was the best she could hope for now. She smiled and tried again with her first request.

"Manda, do you think I could take a look at your rape kit?"

Amanda hesitated. If Liv so willing to help her, she couldn't refuse. Even if she still didn't think she deserved it, she nodded. "But please, I don't wanna be near you when you.." Amanda was looking away. She was so embarrassed she was having a hard time not showing it.

"It's ok honey, I'll stay in the guestroom while you watch a little tv?

* * *

Olivia's was glad Amanda was nowhere near her. She just finished going through the rape-kit, and found out the assault was more violent than Amanda admitted it was. The gun. Amanda had told her they tried to pull the gun inside her. She had the feeling they did more than just try. It took some time for Liv to calm her anger.

Back in the leaving room, Olivia sat on the coffee table in front of her. She couldn't find anything else to say than letting her know she wasn't alone. "I'm sorry this happened".

Amanda closed her eyes "It's ok", she simply answered. "It's fine"


	10. Chapter 10

Thank you all for reading and let me know what you think. Every review made me smile. You are so nice, all of you! :)

* * *

"It's not fine" If Amanda didn't cooperate, she would never get over it. She would never heal. Amanda was closing herself again and mentally pleading Liv to stop.

"Listen, I'm gonna let you quiet for a moment, but we're gonna have to talk about it later" Olivia explained.

Amanda nodded, not willing to talk later but at least she'd have some time to think about what to say. "You said you needed to go home, well, I'm not sure it's a good idea, Fin could go there and.."

"Please Liv, I don't wanna Fin to.. I.. I want to get out of here" Amanda needed clothes, including underwear, she didn't appreciate the idea of someone going through her personal belongings. Getting some fresh air was not a bad idea but Olivia was worried. The text the blond received the day before let her think Amanda could still be in danger and she will be until she decided to be honest about her assault. This was an argument Olivia could use. "Well, let's eat something and then we can get out of here, all right?" Olivia decided to change argument hoping Amanda would at least agree on this. Amanda reluctantly nodded. Olivia opened the fridge and wasn't surprised to find it almost empty. Fin, like every other detective didn't spend a lot of time home and she hardly imagined him in a supermarket. "What about scrambled eggs?"

"Yeah.. whatever" Amanda sighed.

* * *

After eating, Liv kept her words and they went to Amanda's place. Olivia had been very prudent. On the way to the car, Amanda was happy to walk with Frannie. She was feeling alive or at least something she didn't feel for a long time. She was breathing looking at the sky. It was cold but she didn't care. Olivia on the other hand, wished Amanda would hurry a little bit. Of course, with her injury she couldn't go quicker. Well, to say the truth with her injury she shouldn't even having a walk specially with a dog pulling her from the left to the right. Olivia didn't object though, because she could see this was brightening Amanda's mood. But Liv was worried she wasn't safe out there. She kept looking around, ready to defend if it was needed.

* * *

At Amanda's place, same thing, Liv entered first and made sure the place was clear before allowing Amanda to come in. Entering in the corridor, Amanda froze for a second. Olivia understood straight away that she was thinking about her assault. She tenderly placed her hand on Amanda's shoulder. For the first time, Amanda flinched at the touch, and pushed Liv's hand. Not with pride, but for the first time, with fear.

"It's just me, you're ok" Liv reassured her. Maybe, it was a good idea coming here, after all. Amanda was having a bad time, but maybe she was also realising what she's been through. When it happened, she was still so mad about the gambling that she didn't took the time to realise she was a victim too. But now, maybe she was beginning to understand that. If so, Liv would be able to make her cooperate more easily.

"I'm… I'm gonna need a few minutes" Amanda asked, heading for her bedroom.

Liv nodded and let her alone. In the meanwhile she looked around, to see if she could find any clue that could help with the investigation or anything that she could use to understand Amanda. The apartment was nice, clean, and impersonal. No pictures on the walls, no reminders, no problem. It seemed to be the reflexion of Amanda's shell.

* * *

On the way back to Fin's place, Amanda had been very quiet, looking from the car window, absent-minded. Olivia got a message. It was from Nick. She quickly looked at it on a red light. Apparently Nick and Fin had a new element in the investigation, but this wouldn't be easy with Amanda. She decided it was best if they first got back home before talking about it.

"Manda, there's something I'd like to show you"

Amanda was still distant, going back home has been more distressing than what she imagined. "There's this picture I'd like you to look at. Amanda took Liv's cell on her hand and after a quick look she gave it back the phone . "I don't know who this is. Liv I've got a headache. I should go lie down or a while." Amanda's shaky voice betrayed her.

"What don't we sit down for a while?" Liv indicated the sofa. Amanda did as told, not having the will to protest. Olivia's cell rang just at the moment. Nick was calling.

"Benson"

"Yeah Nick I.."

"No.. I"

"Yes, I'm trying"

"For god's sake Nick, I call you back"

Olivia realised Amanda was staring at her with sad eyes. Olivia couldn't insist if Amanda told her that she didn't know the man. She didn't want to influence her. But she knew that Amanda was lying. The way she kept biting her mouth nervously indicated her she was right. "Nick and Fin went to the woman who was raped during your undercover job"

Amanda sighed. "I told her… I.. didn't want.. you can't do that. I don't want that" She was getting nervous and her stomach pain increased suddenly. She was about to get up when Liv prevented her to

"I know. I know you didn't want to. But we can't do as nothing happened. We can't just ignore that one member of our teem is going through hell right now. We're taking risks right now, we're not doing things as they should be done, I'm not leading this investigation in the right way."

"Because of me" Amanda pointed out, sadly.

"Not because of you, but for you Manda. Please just listen to me" Amanda took a deep breath and placed her hand on her stomach, nodding.

"Fin and Nick went to see the victim of rape during your UC job, they pretended it was normal procedure, to see how she was doing. The guy you saw on the picture is her brother. He was there and Nick told me he was very protective of her sister. He.." Olivia hesitated. She wanted to make sure she could go on and Amanda was coping with this information. She got no answer from Amanda but the blonde was waiting for her to go on. "According to Nick, he was quite angry, specially towards a blond cop knew all these was going to happen and did nothing"

Amanda closed her eyes to avoid the tears from falling.

"Manda, I know you didn't know anything about that woman. I believe you and lieutenant Murphy. But this guy… he was angry about what happened to his sister, it's possible he has something to do with your assault. The problem is, we can do nothing since you refuse to report what happened to you."

Amanda's eyes were now full of tears, but she still refused to talk. She didn't properly refused, but she didn't know what to say, or how to say it, or if it was right to say it. She didn't know anything anymore.

"Nick on the phone, you maybe heard him, he was.. mad.. He's angry because he wants to do something. You know him right, even if I say no, he'll go after that guy.. He'll put himself in troubles… unless… unless we have the right to do something. That's why I'm gonna ask you again… do you know the guy on the picture?"

This time it was too much. Amanda burst into tears. Liv placed her hands on Amanda's knee, sitting on front of her. "It's ok to cry honey" Liv held her until she calmed down, whispering comforting words. Amanda shook her head to regain control of herself. "Take your time" Olivia insisted, drying the tears on Amanda's cheeks. "Honey, I need you to tell me if you know the man on this picture"

Amanda stared the ceiling to avoid new tears to fall. She slowly nodded. "He.. Yes.. He was there when.. it happened"

"Would you be ready to report this, to give me a statement?" Amanda shook her head, She was shaking and had difficulty breathing. "Ok ok, just calm down… I need you to take a breath… easy… it's all right" Olivia couldn't go any further if Amanda wasn't ready, that's why she stopped to comfort the blonde every time she needed it. "What if, you told me everything that happened, just like a statement, and then, you can decide if we want to use it or not. In both case it'll be helpful. If you don't want to report it, at least, you won't be alone with this big secret. If you decide you're ready to report it, you won't have to tell your story again, because I'll have it written. Let's do this?"

The way Liv explained it made this reassuring even though Amanda wasn't convinced it wasn't what she wanted.

"Let's try" Olivia pleaded. "Then, you'll decide. I promise"

"Liv.. I.. the words.. they don't want to cross my throat.. " Amanda admitted.

"I know how hard it is to trust someone. Believe me I mean it" Olivia coaxed. "We're gonna go through this together, shall we?"

She took a deep breath. "I'm ready" Amanda declared. It was the biggest lie of her life. She wasn't ready. But on the other hand, she never would be. There is no right time to trust someone, you just have to try.


	11. Chapter 11

OK OK I know I just updated chapter 10 but I had nothing to do so I decided to write the chapter you are all waiting for. It's a little one but I hope you'll like it anyway. Two chapter in the same day I hope it's not too much for you! let me know what you think.. I wasn't really sure about it...

**warning: this chapter is rated M and contains mention of sexual assault. **

* * *

"Ok Amanda, I need you to tell me everything you remember.."

Amanda was nervous, but she just said she was ready. She didn't want to sound weak now. She would do it, maybe the pain would then disappear.

"I came back home just after I left your office. I was worried about.. Well it doesn't matter." Amanda didn't want to think about whe Liv told her she didn't trust her.

Of course it did matter. The fact Amanda was thinking about how she disappointed the only people she had in her life affected her but Olivia decided not to interrupt her.

"I.. Liv I don't remember how I got in. if the door was open or if it has been forced, I don't know." Amanda admitted looking down

"It's ok" Liv knew that in these kind of situations, it's normal to forget details, specially the things you usually do automatically.

"I.. the first thing I remember, I took off my jacket and I heard a noise. I was about to look behind me and.. I heard a voice that said: "You move, you're dead". He asked me to turn around and keep my hand up. The guy.. he was.. tall, rectangular face, brown eyes, brown neatly-combed hair. He was threatening me with his gun pointed at my chest. He asked one other guy to take my gun. He.." Amanda was trying her best to stay calm.

"How many were they?" Olivia wanted to make everything clear for the statement although she already saw three different DNA samples on the rape-kit. It was also a way to reassure Amanda and to let her know she had all time she needed.

"Three". The first one I described he.. mostly watched.. and gave orders. The other two they.. Amanda shook her head.

No. Olivia wouldn't let her stop now, she was doing great and finally being structured in her speech. Liv decided to ask about their physical aspect in order to make Amanda going on.

"Can you describe the other guys?"

Amanda executed herself quite easily. She perfectly knew how to give details. Olivia took note of everything and stopped herself to bring a glass of water for Amanda.

"You're doing great" She encouraged.

Amanda drank it in one go to take off the feeling of dry mouth.

"Then, what happened?"

"Liv.. I'm.." Amanda didn't know how she would be able to tell what happened next. She hadn't thought about it since it was over. she didn't know how she could manage to just avoid thinking about it but it worked and now she didn't want to go through it again.

"Don't think I'm here. Just close your eyes and let this out. I trust you, you can do this" Even though Olivia had done this a thousand times, it was never easy to chose the right words to help a person. Every one is different. Olivia knew this would be hard for her as well to hear the story but she couldn't show it.

"The guy who held the gun, he.. asked them to take off my clothes. They took of my shirt and pants they pushed me on the floor between the hall and the living room. The two guys grabbed my wrist. The one with the gun placed up right in front of me. I.. stared him, he was sure of himself, head-up he.. "

"Tell me" Olivia helped

"With his feet he crushed me. He step on my stomach he said, he said I didn't deserve being raped. He didn't want to get dirty. He said I was too disgusting." Amanda's lips were shaking while she admitted that.

"Ok" Liv whispered, "Go on"

"He made a sign with his hand to the guy on my left. The guy on my left placed himself.. between my.. between my legs. He put his hands inside me. Meanwhile the third guy grabbed my hair and the one who gave orders pointed his gun at me. He was laughing, he kept asking : " how does is feel to be helpless?" "

Amanda was fighting hard not to break. She never looked at Liv. Most of the time she kept her eyes closed. Liv sometimes noticed a single tear falling. Although it broke her heart she definitely wouldn't interrupt Amanda. She had to be professional at least for the statement.

"The guy who gave order handed him the gun. He.. put it inside me. It hurt like hell. He.. I felt my low belly tear apart from pain.

The third guy he .. my hair and sat on my chest. I could breath. He.. touched himself."

Amanda got a wave of nausea.

Olivia noticed it but didn't say anything. She knew that if Amanda stopped now she'd never managed to make her talk again. Fortunately, Amanda wasn't about to stop. On the opposite she began talking faster and faster.

"He, he touched himself, when... When he came he was on me, I felt disgusting I was coughing I couldn't breath than the second guy spat on my mouth I I It was disgusting I couldn't move I didn't move I didn't say anything I.."

"Manda, please Manda open your eyes" Amanda couldn't breath anymore, she was crying desperately and couldn't catch her breath.

"Amanda… it's ok, it's ok please look at me" Amanda opened her eyes, but still couldn't manage to breathe properly.

Liv placed herself close to her and began breathing in and out. "Come on breath with me, in and out"

Amanda couldn't hear Liv, she wanted to calm herself down but the air didn't want to enter inside her.

Olivia took her hands and kept repeating "Come on Manda, in and out, in and out"

Amanda finally managed to take a little breath. Than another one, and another one. "That's good, that's all right, that's good honey"

"It hurts", Amanda began crying in pain. Olivia knew that the trauma of living again the assault had woken up physical pain Amanda was feeling. Olivia helped her to lie down on the couch. Stroking her hair and helping her the best way she could, maybe just with her own presence, Liv, although broken-hearted, proved she was perfectly able to handle Amanda. When she felt she could leave her alone for a while she quickly took the ice bag in Fin's freezer and placed it on Amanda's stomach.

"It's ok, you did great, you did great Manda, it's over"

"It's all my fault, it's all my fault" Amanda couldn't stop repeating.

"This is absolutely not your fault honey, don't even try" Olivia couldn't hear her blaming herself for something so awful.

Will Amanda allow Liv to use what she just confide in her as a statement? Olivia couldn't allow her not to fight. She kept saying she wasn't rape. Maybe they hadn't legally raped her, but this assault was traumatic. It was full of anger and definitely a vendetta.

"I'm proud of you Manda"

Amanda was curled on the couch, not moving, staring the floor. Olivia grabbed the cover behind her and placed it on her friend. "From now on, you'll get better, you did the hardest part" Olivia wasn't sure about it but she had to let Amanda know that she was so proud of her and that she'd get over it.

Amanda didn't have anything to answer, she just closed her eyes and hoped she could forget everything.


	12. Chapter 12

Thank you so so much once again for your kind reviews. I'm so grateful. and thanks Claire for the advice about the law. I'll definitely use it if you don't mind.

Any suggestion are welcome.

* * *

Amanda hoped she could just forget everything. But she couldn't. It was impossible to relax. Olivia was at her side, still whispering comforting words from time to time but it didn't help. Amanda was like in another world, full of regrets and disgust. From what happened maybe but most of all, she was disgusted by herself.

"You won't need to do more talking for today, I promise. There's just one thing we need to decide." Olivia explained slowly.

Amanda didn't answer. She just confided with someone for the very first time. She felt shameful and confused, she just wanted to be left alone.

"I know you wish I could just stop bothering you for now" Olivia softly said while stroking Amanda's hair. "Manda, we need to report this" Liv finally advised.

After what she just heard, the hell Amanda's been through, Olivia wouldn't be satisfied before they had caught these guys.

Amanda didn't share the same point of view. Reporting the assault would mean too much unbearable things to her. Firstly, Nick and Fin would know exactly what happened. Amanda had shared this with Liv and it was only just tolerable. She was already wondering what her boss would think of her now? Besides being a liar, she also was weak and disgusting person. She was probably good for the chop, she thought. Secondly, she felt responsible for what happened to the Brazilian woman and she didn't want to cause her more problems than she already had. Finally, she didn't feel the strength to go trough all this. It was easier to just try to forget and carry on than to face this. She couldn't decide right now what to do. She didn't feel well enough to think. The nausea she felt was intense.

"Honey I know this is hard, but let's try and decide together" Olivia was aware that she was talking to a brick wall and that she already should be grateful that Amanda opened up to her but she couldn't afford to lose more time. Every second they lost was a chance her attackers could use to their advantage.

"You can't let them go with what they did to you, you can't" Olivia insisted. "I'm sorry to push you but, I want you to have the best chance to get justice.

"Liv I.. I feel dizzy.. can you.. just stop?" Amanda mumbled. She didn't mean to sound arrogant, but she couldn't focus on anything at the moment.

Olivia was so obsessed with the deposition that she didn't notice how pale the blonde looked. She decided she should stop being a detective for a second. "Ok" Liv agreed, placing her hand on Amanda's forehead. She didn't seem to have temperature. In her simple answer Amanda heard how caring she was being.

Amanda opened her eyes looking for Liv. "I'm right here" Olivia reassured her.

"Here, drink this. It's just water and sugar" Olivia encouraged as Amanda was already grimacing.

After a few minutes Amanda was feeling better enough to sit down. Her head was still pounding. "Will you.. get mad if I don't want to report the assault?" Olivia didn't have the chance to answer. The doorbell rang three times which made both Liv and Amanda jump.

Liv imagined the worse and rushed towards the spy-hole. She let out her breath when she saw Nick and Fin.

"What are you doing here?" Liv asked looking at Fin

"We have to talk" answered Nick agitatedly

"I see" Olivia understood Nick was getting hard to control and to prevent him to act without a warrant Fin had no other choice than bring him there.

"Fin, why don't you take Amanda in her room?"

Last thing Amanda needed right now was to deal with Nick's anger. Even though he was just trying to help her, Olivia knew this would have the exact opposite reaction and it would get her nervous.

Fin helped Amanda to get up and from the way she grabbed at his arms he understood that she wasn't feeling well. She was unsteady on her feet and hearing Nick's upset voice was not helping her. "It's ok it's not on you.. keep walking" Fin managed to open the guestroom door and helped Amanda to sit on the bed. "Here.. you ok?" He was concerned and sorry to cause her such a distress. "I'm fine.. the world's spinning"

"What you didn't know?" Fin had this ability to always joke even in the worst times. "Let me help" He added. He placed a cushion on the wall behind the bed so that Amanda could rest her head against it and another cushion under Amanda's legs to help the blood circulation.

"Did you eat something?"

"It's been a long day" Amanda mumbled.

* * *

In the leaving room, Liv and Nick were also having a conversation.

"I will talk to you Nick but only if you speak softly. Amanda doesn't need to hear you."

"Liv, we got to follow this, this guy on the picture I told you on the phone he.."

"I got you.. I do.. but Amanda's still not sure if she wants to report this and we can't act before she agrees, you know that" Olivia informed, professionally.

"Come on! An svu detective who doesn't report her assault, how are we suppose to be credible?" Nick's words weren't appropriate but he didn't know how else he could just wait and no nothing when everything in her mind told him to act.

"And how is she supposed to trust you if she hears you talking like that, you tell me?" Liv raised her voice a little but only because it was necessary. She knew Nick's intentions were good but he let his feelings guide him so she had to stop him.

"M'sorry Liv.. but.. We can't stay here and do nothing." Nick's frustration was so understandable for Liv.

"I'm working on it" She whispered. "But I need to trust you. You can't just do what you think is fine. Do you get that?"

* * *

"Nick's mad" Amanda stated.

"Not with you" Fin answered. It was useless lying to her. "He wants to help. So do I, so does Liv"

"I'm not sure what to do. I can't think right now"

"So don't think. We got this Manda. Let us do our job"

"I can't go to trial, tell this story again and again.. I can't do that" Amanda was worrying for everything, how could they all expect her to make the right decision?

"Let me ask you a question. If it was Liv instead of you, what do you think she should do?"

Amanda stayed quiet for a while. Fin's question was a good one. If it was Olivia, than she should report it, cause Liv' didn't deserve this.

"Manda, look at me. I want these guys, and I need you help."

Amanda couldn't doubt Fin's sincerity. "All right" she whispered, still staring at him.

* * *

"Amanda agreed to report her assault" Fin announced going back on the living room

A silence of relief filled the room.

"Good job" Liv finally said. "Nick go and ask Barba for a warrant, Fin take her rape-kit to the lab, I'm taking care of her statement, I already got it, I just need to rewrite it clearly. Come on guys, let's catch these son of a bitches following the rules"

* * *

Liv knocked at Amanda's room. "I'm coming in", she announced. Liv turned on the light and Amanda hid her eyes. She couldn't stand the light.

"Do you wanna eat something?" It would be the wise thing to do. Amanda was feeling dizzy and the day has been pretty animated. Amanda got back home for the first time, she opened up about her assault and she just agreed to report it.

"M'sorry Liv.. I.. can't"

"It's ok, It's been a tough day… I'm really proud of you"

Amanda sighed. "Yeah"

"It's ok to feel lost.. It's ok te be afraid"

"I don't know how I feel.. I'm just empty" Amanda looked away. Will the feeling of shame ever leave her?

"Well, that's ok too" Liv reassured her. "I could stay here for tonight, if you prefer"

Why should Amanda answer? She had no idea. She couldn't think. What was the right answer? What was she supposed to do? How would she manage to go through all this? "I'm not sure about.. all this" Amanda admitted. Of course she didn't answer Liv's question.

"Well, you're not doing this alone. We've got time to figure it out.."

Liv wanted to know how Fin managed to convince her, but she didn't dare to ask now. She would probably question Fin later, to satisfy her curiosity, or maybe not, after all, the important was Amanda was trusting them and they would do their best to help her.

"Go to sleep honey… I'll be right here"


	13. Chapter 13

_Thanks so much LUV SVU for your real nice comment. You made my day. I love writing you have not idea. It's a real challenge for me to try it in English that's why I thank you so much for your encouragement. Also thank you all for your reviews. I'd like to say that I'm no law expert and I have no one to practise my English so I'm aware there are some mistakes. Please forgive them and of course any suggestion are welcome, I absolutely don't mind. :) _

* * *

Liv was reading Amanda's deposition. She's been working non-stop since Amanda went to bed. She finished a while ago but she kept checking it, making sure everything was clear. After all Amanda's been through, she was most of all embarrassed to seem vulnerable and was having a hard time to let things go. Her need of control on things made Olivia smile and sigh at the same time. She couldn't stop herself from thinking how the blonde's attitude and hers were close.

Finishing her last sip of coffee, she decided to check on Amanda, convinced that even if the blonde needed something, she wouldn't ask. She wasn't astonished to find the woman still awake. Amanda, on the opposite, was surprise to notice Liv was still there. She was on her side and turned her head when she heard the knock on the door.

"I told you I would stay for the night" Liv explained both to reassure and answer Amanda's questioning look.

"Well you could use some rest" Amanda casually answered

"I should be the one telling this, don't you think?" Olivia ironically retorted, sitting on the bed next to Amanda. She stretched out her legs and lent her head against the wall behind her. "How can I help?" she tried.

"Liv, when, when can I go home?" Amanda had this habit to answer a question with another one.

"When I see that you take care of yourself we'll talk about it. Don't blame us for being worried about you"

"I'm not.. it's.." Amanda didn't finish her sentence. She was feeling guilty for so many things and in addition to that she couldn't stand to see her team worrying for her. It made her feel more vulnerable than she was. She placed her hands on her temples.

"How was it like, when you were a child and you were sick and couldn't sleep?" Maybe Olivia could find a way to reassure her by using something she was familiar with. Or at least, she would make Amanda think about something else than her assault, she thought.

"I was never sick" Amanda stated.

"When you were upset?" Olivia tried again but she already guessed this would not help.

"I was never upset" Amanda predictably answered.

"Of course you weren't" Olivia stated so tenderly that Amanda felt the need to ask back.

"And you?"

"Neither did I" Olivia answered as to say that she really understand how it felt to have no choice than to be strong.

They both kept silent for a while. Had someone ever took care of Amanda? Liv was now wondering. Anyway, this was not in her childhood that she would find a way to make her feel safe.

"Try and close your eyes" Olivia simply tried. "I'll stay here" She whispered. Olivia was probably as uncomfortable as Amanda, not knowing if she was helping or worsening the situation. Usually Liv wasn't so unsure of what to do, but Amanda was really hard to handle tonight. One second she trusted her, the other one she seemed ready to give anything to get rid of her. She stayed next to the blonde for about half and hour but Amanda wasn't finding peace. She kept moving and holding her head, nervously playing with her hair.

* * *

Fin got back home with Thai food. Olivia stomach gurgled while she smiled, suddenly remembering that except from breakfast, she hadn't been eating all day. She made a note to herself not to do the same thing the day after. If she wanted to help Amanda she had to stay in shape.

"Fin, she can't sleep. I don't know how to.. I wanna help but I don't think my presence is wanted"

Fin gave some thought about it until he nodded. "Look this"

He headed for Frannie who was sleeping in her basket and brought her up to Amanda.

"Fin.. hey.. what.. look who's here.. it's my big girl" Amanda softened when Fin placed Frannie next to her, in the bed.

"I know you sleep with her when you're home" Fin guessed. He had no idea actually.

"No I don't" Amanda retorted.

Frannie curled herself in Amanda's arms.

"Even Frannie is telling you to stop lying"

Amanda relaxed without even noticing. She half-smiled while letting her eyes closing themselves.

"Night Amanda"

"'Night" She babbled.

* * *

"You really good with her" Liv said while eating the Thai food Fin brought for her.

"She's my partner" Fin stated, as it was obvious that he should know her.

"Still, I didn't imagine she told you a lot about her"

"She didn't."

Liv understood how obvious was Fin's reasoning. In fact, she could easily imagine Amanda coming back home after a hard working day. Frannie was not an animal to her, it was the only "person" Amanda trusted blindly, the only presence she was used to.

"Well, it was a good guess" Liv claimed.

"Maybe, you should stay with her instead of me during the day. I mean, she trust you more than.."

Fin interrupted "If it was you instead of her, what should you do? Fin marked a pause. "That's what I asked her when she agreed to report her assault" Amanda wasn't the only person Fin could easily read. He already knew why Liv was feeling like she wasn't helping. She couldn't manage to convince her to release the rape-kit but he did it in no time.

Olivia stopped eating.

"You're a role model to her" Fin clarified.

And she still wasn't convinced she deserved justice, Olivia understood. That is why she wasn't ready yet to accept her help.

"Thanks Fin, you really helped"

* * *

In the middle of the night, as Liv was sleeping on the sofa, she heard a phone ringing. She confusedly opened an eye and once she was aware of being at Fin's place, she headed for the phone on the coffee table in front of her. It was Amanda's. She picked it up but didn't say a word. "You got what you deserve bitch, be sure to stop what you're doing right now". It was a male voice that she didn't recognize neither did she recognize the number. She looked for the message Amanda received the other day, and noticed it wasn't the same number. she was relieved she was the one who answered instead of Amanda. Tomorrow she would have to let the team know about it, but for now she was in need to go and see if Amanda was ok.

* * *

Amanda was on the corner of the bed, cross-legged, petting Frannie, with the bedside lamp turned on.

"Manda" Olivia announced her presence.

The blonde was sweating and Liv could guess that she had managed to calm herself down but that she probably had a nightmare. As she came closer, Amanda shook her head. "Don't" Amanda put distance.

Liv chose not to listen and knelt in front of her, but not to close, to let her some space. "There's nothing to be ashamed of." She reassured.

"Liv don't" Amanda pleaded.

Amanda didn't want the it's ok speech.

"All right" Liv nodded, not knowing what else to say. "You want me to call Fin?"

"NO I" Amanda answered a little too loudly. "I don't need Fin" She adjusted her tone, taking a breath.

"I still have nightmares, you know"

If Fin was right and Amanda was considering her as a model, than maybe she'd feel reassured to know she wasn't the only one fighting with it"

"Liv" Amanda breathed out. "It's not what you think. I don't dream of the assault" She admitted.

Indeed, it wasn't what Liv imagined.

"Well, whatever it is, I can see you don't want it"

"It's fine" Amanda assured, mostly to ask Olivia to just leave her alone. Amanda didn't move, staring at Frannie.

Olivia left the room without a word.

"Great" Amanda muttered, a little mad with herself. She didn't mean to upset Liv.

* * *

After a few minutes, Liv came back with an infusion. "Fin's tea collection is more impressive than what I imagined" Olivia joked.

"Thanks Liv" Amanda gratefully and sincerely said.

"Manda, the team needs you back. Take all the time you need, but don't lose your objective"

Amanda stared Liv "You mean it?" her voice was a mixture of hope and desperation.

Liv placed her hand on Amanda's one. "Why wouldn't I?"

Why? Because I've been a disappointment, because all I am is wrong. That's what Amanda felt she should answer. But she didn't. Olivia caught the broken expression in her eyes but didn't comment.

"Tomorrow is not going to be easy, neither the following day, but you can heal. Olivia said so surely that Amanda could almost believed it.

"You just need to choose to". Olivia assured.


	14. Chapter 14

I so much love your feedback, all af you. thank you very much! don't know what to say. I'm really grateful.

* * *

Liv was asleep on the sofa when Fin woke up. Amanda on the other hand, was in her room, staring the ceiling.

"It's 6 am, if I were you, I'd sleep for a whole weak" Fin was not a morning guy, this was a fact.

Amanda was in no joking mode. "Leave it, Fin"

"Get up, come on" He asked. "Come here"

"Fin please" it's been the longest night she had spent since she was in New-York and all she wanted was to clear the mess in her head.

When Fin had an idea in mind he didn't drop it so easily. He took off the cover on her partner "I wanna show you something"

Amanda understood it was useless fighting against him and did as told. Fin led her in front of the mirror fixed on the wall in the hall. "Here, have a look"

Amanda shook her head. She couldn't get away as he was holding her by the waist and she wasn't even sure she would have the strength to. It was already hard to stay on her feet. "Stop it!" she insisted.

"What, can't you even face yourself?" Fin's tone wasn't aggressive, he was as quiet as always but he was pushing her on purpose. He let go of his hands and Amanda moved away from the mirror. She went as far as her shaking legs agreed to before being grabbed again by Fin who helped her to go back in her room.

"My parter is a smart ass strong stubborn girl. Have you seen her?"

Amanda couldn't stand his presence right now. "I wanna go home" She answered, decidedly.

"You're free to go" He casually retorted. "I bet you won't even reach the front door before passing out."

Fin hesitated to add an encouragement word but decided against it. He truly hoped this would help her to react but her wasn't certain this would work. Olivia couldn't speak her that way, the blonde would definitely push her away so he had to give it a try. If they caught her attackers, they needed her to be strong enough to come and identify them.

* * *

Amanda locked the guest room door. New day, same questions: did you get some sleep? Do you want to eat? No. she didn't! She was morally tired, all this was going too fast. Couldn't they just forget about her for a single day? She knelt behind the door for a few minutes before opening it. She couldn't act like a child. Fin didn't recognize her anymore, but neither did she.

"ok Rollins" She whispered to herself, to fill her mind with courage "let's do this". It wasn't going to kill her to have breakfast.

Here she was, on the kitchen, face to face with a french toast. Why was it so hard? It took her several minutes before deciding to eat. She couldn't get rid of the feeling of disgust. She closed her eyes and gave a bite. Her eyes still closed, she didn't notice Olivia had woken up and was standing behind her. She kept chewing but couldn't swallow. With her left hand, she starkly dried her tears.

"Hey" Olivia greeted.

Amanda took one nervous breath, than another before throwing the toast away and going back in her room.

Liv gave her a minute before following her.

"When did Fin left?" Olivia asked instead of preaching about eating.

Amanda was lying on the back holding her stomach. She coughed so violently that she almost got sick.

"Easy" Olivia smoothed.

"Liv please. I know I have to eat, I know have to sleep I.."

"Calm down.. I can see you're trying.. I can see it" she insisted.

Amanda shrugged.

"You still feel nauseous?" Olivia was concerned.

"Sorry I wake you up" Amanda felt like once again she failed on a simple thing.

"Don't be silly." Olivia reassured. "Let me ask, would you be ok on your own for a little bit?"

Olivia was more anxious than Amanda. If something happened while she was away, she'd never forgive herself. But she would miss for half and hour and she wanted to prove Amanda she did trust her. While she was away, she called Fin to fill him in about the nightcall she intercepted. It could lead to one of the attackers.

* * *

"Here, try this" Olivia handed a smoothie to the blonde as soon as she was back. "You like apples right?" Olivia smiled. "Cold ingredients are usually easier to swallow" She added.

"I also bought vitamins." This could help Amanda to gather her strength.

"We could go and take some fresh air if you feel up to" Olivia's good mood was contagious but Amanda didn't understand.

"Liv look at me… I.." Amanda couldn't stand herself.

"I can see you're trying" Olivia didn't lie.

"I don't know" Amanda declared looking away. "I guess"

"Well then, let's do something" Olivia was worried but didn't show it. She would keep her eyes open and it would be just fine, she decided.

* * *

They didn't go far away. The park near Fin's apartment seemed to be a good choice since Amanda was feeling weak. They mostly sat on a bench, watching Frannie running. Amanda tried to play with her but her stomach still hurt and she soon gave up. But taking some fresh air was definitely a good idea.

They didn't talk about serious staff. Just a little before leaving, Amanda simply grabbed Liv's arm.

"Thanks" she truly meant it. For the first time, Olivia noticed a little hope on the blonde's eyes.

"Of course" Olivia was glad and hoped Amanda would let her help as much as she needed.

For a while, Amanda felt like nothing bad happened, like she never gambled, she never rocked the bottom. It felt good to just breathe.

They didn't stay for long though. When she had enough, Amanda asked herself to regain Fin's place.

* * *

A little after they came back home, Liv got an important call. Amanda was having a shower so she decided she'd at least let her finish. She had eaten a little, if you consider a smoothie as a meal, but Amanda was exhausted from her sleepless night. She hoped the blonde would be able to take what was going to happen.

"Manda, could you come over here for a sec?" Olivia asked as soon as she heard the bathroom door getting open.

"What is it?" Amanda asked, casually. She really felt relaxed and maybe even ready to get some rest.

"Fin just called. With your deposition they got the warrant. The rape kit is back from the lab." Liv took a break. "They're going to arrest the first guy. The woman's brother."

Amanda felt the ground crumbling under her feet. Her vision became blurred and the second after she felt Olivia grabbing her under the arms. "Hey hun hey!"

Olivia worriedly led her over the sofa. "I need you to stay focus". "Look at me" Olivia firmly instructed.

Liv was reassured to see that Amanda's skin soon regained her colour.

"It's ok, you're going to be fine". She managed to say even though she was worried as hell. She helped Amanda to stretch her legs. "It's ok" she whispered.

"I can't .. I can't do that I.. I don't wanna go there" Amanda's distress was obvious. She grabbed the cover on the sofa as she needed something to hold on to.

"It's ok sweetheart" Olivia gently stroke her cheek.

"I'm not ready for this."


	15. Chapter 15

_Here you go, I hope you'll let me know what you think. _

_I really enjoy reading each review and ideas... you inspire me. so thank you! :)_

* * *

"He whaaat?!" Olivia couldn't believe it. Well, the detective inside her knew it was a huge probability according to the time they lost but the disappointment was there anyway.

"All right, thanks Fin" Olivia hanged up. Fin also informed her he may have pushed her this morning, she should be doubly careful on how she'd gave the blonde the recent news.

"What happened?" Amanda asked. She stared Liv curiously since she answered the phone.

Olivia regained composure. "Manda, first of all I want you to know that this isn't over. We're doing everything we can"

Amanda didn't care. "Go on". She kept looking at Olivia for an answer.

"They couldn't find him." Olivia sighed, sorry.

Amanda froze for a second before nodding. "All right". She seemed quiet, even relieved according to Liv.

"You.. you're ok?" Olivia seemed more upset than the blonde was.

Amanda gave it a thought "I think so".

Why did Olivia have the feeling that the blonde was telling the truth? "Well, I didn't expect such a quiet reaction"

"I just wanna… be on my own. I'm eating, I'm feeling better" Amanda pointed out. Since she knew she wouldn't have to go for the identification, she was really feeling better. It would have made the assault real, once again. She was more used to the "nothing happened" strategy.

Feeling better? "You nearly passed out…15 minutes ago!" Olivia was being patient, but she was wondering if Amanda was really thinking it was ok to just stay alone right now.

"Yeah sorry for that" Amanda took a sip of water and attempted to turn the tv on but Liv took the remote control.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "What kind of answer is that, Manda, what's going on?"

Amanda had shut herself down, this time Olivia was sure about it. She was now being cold and acting like nothing could reach her.

"Just take me home, please"

"Honey, we don't know where your attackers are right now." Olivia didn't stop showing concern. Knowing Amanda, she knew every step of the way would be hard. Each time Amanda was acting like she wasn't affected, it was the exact opposite. Her poker face was the better way she found to hide her feelings.

"Liv they wanted me to pay for what I did, they're not after me. They're saving their own ass right now"

"And you're ok with that?" Not to mention the threat she received.

"I don't know… Maybe" Olivia had the feeling this was the first sincere answer Amanda gave her this last 20 minutes.

"What about your nightmares?" She tried in another way to reach the blonde and it seemed to work.

Amanda stopped. "I don't have to tell you". Amanda grabbed her own hands.

"No hun, you don't have to. But you know that I've been doing this job for a very long time. And I can see, that you've been through a lot. Not only recently, I mean, your whole life. I'm not going to push you, I just wanna let you know, that I'm here.. I can help… with whatever doesn't let you sleep. I can help." Olivia didn't pretend to have an answer, but at least the blonde knew she could talk to her.

Amanda half-opened her mouth and stopped. She hesitated, Olivia could guess it by the way she looked away. "I'm not staying here tonight Liv. You can't make me" She finally answered, matter-of-factly.

"Whas it something I said? We can talk about it" Olivia insisted before getting a call. Amanda didn't like it. She had a bad feeling. Olivia hanged up and softly approached the blonde.

Amanda shook her head already.

"It's ok… it's ok" Olivia made sure Amanda was ready to take it before going on. "I'm gonna need you. Your attacker, they got him. He was in a private jet rental service. I'm gonna need you to come with me for the ID." Olivia took a pause, letting Amanda assimilate the news. "Can you do that?" she tenderly asked.

Fin informed her the agency security informed the police as soon as they recognized his face. Hopefully, Amanda's deposition and description of her attackers has been useful.

"Amanda, you're with me?" Olivia asked as the blonde was still looking away. "Can you do that?"

Amanda bit her lips. It sent her shivers down her spine. "No, I can't". She simply stated.

"You can't let him get away. You can't let him just leave. The Amanda I know is strong enough for this" Olivia pleaded, taking Amanda's hands. "Let's do this, together"

"If I do it, would you let me go home then?" Her words were in exact contradiction with her scared face but Olivia decided to deal with it after. If she did the identification it would be another completed step. This was the priority. "Yes, I will".

* * *

"You did really good" Fin said

"We're going to interview him. He'll talk, don't worry." Nick added

"Liv can you take me home now?" Amanda was still showing no sign of emotion, the same way that when she did the rape kit. She could deal with what was happening but not with what she felt inside.

"Let's go" Olivia nodded.

Liv gave her space and respected her silence in the car. While they were in front of a red light, Liv discreetly checked on Amanda, who was looking out of the window. A toot suddenly made Amanda jump and Liv realised the lights had changed to green. Amanda suppressed a sob.

"It's ok", Olivia reassured her as soon as she noticed Amanda was holding her breath.

Amanda nodded, fiddling nervously with the buttons of her cardigan.

After a while that seemed like an eternity, the arrived at their destination.

"Manda, we're here" Olivia gently stated.

Amanda didn't even notice Liv had driven to Fin's place. She didn't even react when she heard her name.

"Come on, let's get you out of here" Liv protectively whispered.

She opened the passenger door and helped Amanda to get out of the car, careful with her still recent injuries.

Amanda automatically entered the apartment. She went straight in the guest room not bothering to take off her shoes or jacket. She sat herself on the edge of the bed, holding her head with her hands. She began to gently rock back and forth as the first tears appeared on her cheeks.

Olivia entered without saying a word. She approached her slowly, and began rubbing her upper back.

"Go.. go.. a-wa-yy" Amanda managed to implore without lifting her head.

Olivia didn't stop, she placed an arm over Amanda's shoulder.

"Please just go" Amanda begged, sobbing harder and harder until she turned in Liv's direction.

Olivia embraced her in a comfort hug.

"Please don't leave me alone" Amanda finally pleaded, running out of tears.

"I wasn't going to" Olivia held the blonde tighter. "How could I?" Amanda let Olivia comforting her. "I'm here, I'm right here. Don't worry"

Once Amanda had calmed down, she settled for the night. Liv kept her words. She hadn't let her alone not even a second. Once the blonde curled in the bed, Liv placed the cover over her body and laid down next to her.

"Go to sleep" Olivia whispered with tenderness.

Amanda sobbed. She wanted to answer but couldn't articulate. She wanted Liv to know that she would tell her, about her nightmares, about her past life, her childhood, or whatever. She wanted to tell Olivia that she was grateful for her presence and for not judging her. She wanted to tell her so many things. She probably never will.

"I promise I'll be right here next to you. Nothing will happen."

Amanda nodded and closed her eyes. "Past is past. It can't hurt" Amanda whispered to herself. It was something she was used to say before going to sleep.

Obviously past still hurt Amanda but Liv wouldn't comment right now. "It's ok sweety, I got you" The still shaking blonde soon succumbed to fatigue while Olivia was still holding her close.


	16. Chapter 16

I hope this chapter isn't too boring. I know there isn't a lot of action in my story and too much talk... but I don't know how to make it better haha. No, I think it's important that Amanda gets to open up.

* * *

Amanda hadn't even slept for an hour that she was already agitated. Olivia who was still holding her woke up as soon as the blonde began moving.

"m'so.. m'sorry.. no.. please no.."

"Amanda you have to wake up" Olivia took a little distance from the woman to avoid getting hurt. She carefully shook Amanda's arm. "Amanda" She called her firmly. Amanda woke up with a start, breathless.

"It wasn't real, it's ok… shhhh, it's ok"

Amanda was trying to catch her breath. "I can't.. I.. I"

Olivia thought she was referring to her difficulty breathing. "of course you can, take a deep breath" She encouraged.

"No.. No.. I can't.." Amanda couldn't even explain what was going on. But Olivia understood she was trying to say something, so she tried to guess. "my hands"

Amanda added. Olivia was grateful for this clue, she uncovered Amanda's upper body, to notice that Amanda's fingers were all stiff and she couldn't move them. Fortunately, Olivia had seen so many different reactions to trauma that she was familiar to this one. "Ok Manda, I know you're scared but it's ok. Just try to relax. Don't look at them"¨.

Olivia wasn't the only one to be familiar with this. It wasn't the first time the southern girl was tetanised from panic. She closed her eyes and focused to control her breathing.

"Great, you're doing great. If you resist it'll persist" Olivia smoothed.

* * *

"Here, drink something" Olivia offered bottled water that was on the night table.

"Liv, go to sleep. I probably won't be able to rest but you can't be waiting here. It's pointless" Amanda advised. She slowly moved her fingers to reassure herself.

"You could really use some sleep, honey you're exhausted." Olivia insisted.

Amanda shook her head. Each time she tried to sleep she felt worse than before.

"It doesn't seem like the first time you froze with fear. Is it?" Olivia crossed her legs, facing Amanda. If they weren't going to sleep, at least, she would try to help her talking about what was destroying her.

"I swear it hasn't happened to me since I work as a detective, I swear" Amanda quickly clarified, looking straight in Liv's eyes. Olivia could feel the panic increase in Amanda's ones.

"You're afraid about your job, that's why you don't wanna talk?" It was more an observation than a question. It saddened Olivia that Amanda still didn't believe she was here to help and nothing more.

"You're still my boss" Amanda stated.

"Amanda look at me. Right now, I'm only concerned about your well-being." Olivia paused, giving Amanda a reassuring a smile. "And you're a good detective, I know that"

"You mean you.." Olivia interrupted her to clarify her words. She wouldn't lie to the blonde either. "I mean you'll have to go through a psych eval, before coming back to work. It's procedure, but you shouldn't worry about that for now. You will never be able to sleep if you keep on dealing with everything alone. You're not alone." Olivia squeezed Amanda's hand. "God, you're freezing" Olivia got up to take an extra blanket and wrapped it around the blonde.

"It's ok, it's part of the spasmophilia" Amanda confessed, looking down, and feeling ashamed for letting another weakness appear.

"So you're familiar with this?"

"It used to happen to me when I was younger. I was over it until last night"

"Honey, is there anything you wanna share with me?" Olivia wished she could do more for the blonde. But she wouldn't be able to help her unless Amanda decided to really let her in.

"Liv it's 1am, you need to rest" Amanda always tried to avoid the conversation when it was getting too emotional.

"Manda, what's going on in this head of yours?"

Amanda was truly considering the idea of talking with Liv. After all, she didn't have anything more to lose. She was chewing on her fingernails. Olivia felt she was ready to tell a little bit more about herself, that's why she pushed her a little. According to Fin, you can't have results with her if you don't help to make it happen.

Amanda carefully began, taking a pause between each word. "When I was a kid, I hoped that somebody would notice, that somebody would care.. I used to ask myself what I would say, if somebody just asked me what was wrong.." Olivia wasn't only listening to the words. She was listening to Amanda's look who was becoming darker and darker. Even though Amanda was doing her best not to show it, Olivia was able to hear her screaming inside. The sadness in her eyes was evident to Liv. All the lonely child that had to grow up too fast share something in common through their eyes: a mixture of strength and brokenness

"But nobody noticed." She simply declared with compassion.

"I was able to control" Amanda added to brighten the mood.

"And now, it's time to let go. It's the only way if you want to feel better"

"I don't even know what to say. It's late." Amanda tried again, to get rid of Liv. You can never know.

"You don't have to worry for me. Do I sound like you're bothering me?" A little humour wouldn't hurt.

"No but.."

"Why don't you begin with the first time you had this kind of panic attack?" Olivia guided her.

"Ohm, there's nothing much to say. It was after one of my mum's boyfriend.." Amanda stopped. She wouldn't talk about that. She couldn't believe she let this escape from her mouth. Olivia of course didn't miss Amanda's worried look and wanted to know what happened with her mum's boyfriend, but she would ask in a right time.

"One of?"

"Yeah, my dad got away when I was 10. I still remember how I used to wait at the window for him to come back. My mum became depressed. From that moment and until I left home, she had 4 different boyfriends. On average one every two years, except for the one I threw out." Again, Amanda opened widely her eyes, not dealing with what she just said.

"Manda, did something happen with him?" Olivia asked with concern.

"No.. not really" Olivia had to admit the blonde was a master in the art of absurd answers. She wouldn't interrupt her now that she was sharing something even though she wasn't satisfied with this vague way of not facing the question.

"Anyway, for some time, I had trouble sleeping and.. Well, I was over it I told you" Amanda yawned.

Olivia wanted to inform the blonde that it was perfectly normal that her recent assault woke up some past traumas. But Amanda knew it as well, in her head. The problem was in her heart. In her heart she felt guilty and Olivia couldn't blame her for that as she knew exactly the feeling. She was relieved though that Amanda began sharing it with her. It meant she was on the right way to regain control.

Olivia could see Amanda was fighting to stay awake. "Honey, do you wanna try and go back to sleep?"

Amanda nodded, resting her head in the cushion behind her.

"It's just like before, you wake me up if you need anything and I'll stay right there with you. You're safe" Amanda hoped she could just close her eyes and stop her problems just for the rest of the night.

"Thanks Liv" Amanda felt the need to say.

Olivia also settled to get some rest. But she couldn't stop thinking about what she just learned about Amanda. To say the truth, she was more curious about what the blonde didn't mention. Except from her mum, she also had to take care of Kim. Nobody ever took care of her. She really had it rough.

"Manda, how did you hold on?" Olivia whispered

"I wanted to become a cop. I wanted to make things right"


	17. Chapter 17

_**Thank you** so much for your review... I love reading them and a special thanks to the guest that leave a comment... some of you are really touching I just wish I could have a way to contact you. bless xx_

* * *

"We should put her under witness protection! Liv it's not safe here. I don't like it. You know what I can make some calls" Nick was walking back and forth in Fin's kitchen.

After letting him in, Liv went to check on Amanda. The blonde was peacefully asleep. "Ok, slow down. Amanda needs some sleep" Olivia protectively answered. "Tell me what happened". She sat on the kitchen table and helped herself a cup of coffee. This night was definitely never ending.

"I didn't think he would be that easy to have a confession. This guy doesn't have regrets. He threatened her. He insulted her. I bet he would do it again if he had the chance" Nick informed her boss, checking her phone for any news.

Liv nodded. "I understand. But I'm not sure witness protection is needed. Is he dangerous?" Liv knew how Nick was paranoid sometimes and she was trying to think what was best for Amanda.

"I don't know. But he knows people. His brother in law is ambassador. How do you think he could afford to rent a jet? And he refused to tell about the others attackers. He said they could be everywhere and our dirty cop should think twice about what she did before going on with pressing charges against him. Liv we have no way to control if what he says is true. You should move Amanda from here. Now!" Nick spoke so quickly that Olivia could hardly follow him.

"Calm down Nick. See, I'm not sure it would be good for Amanda. She needs something stable right now. It would frighten her. She doesn't need more changes. I want her to have the chance to take some time to rebuilt herself, not to put more weight on her shoulders." Liv on the opposite was being quiet and composed. Not that she didn't care, but she had to be reassuring if she wanted Nick to trust her. She was a Sargent now and she needed to stay calm even when the other detectives weren't.

"You haven't heard him! You know what he thinks? That Amanda planned her sister's rape. He said she was the most disgusting woman he met in her life. She shouldn't have the right to live. He asked how she could find the courage to look herself in a mirror.. He.. " Nick was getting more and more angry but he suddenly stopped when he noticed a shadow.

Liv guessed he wasn't looking at her anymore and followed his look.

"Amanda.." Olivia didn't know what to say. She didn't know how much the younger detective heard of the conversation. Amanda didn't know what to say either. She just stood in the hall, staring Liv, than Nick, than Liv again. "Tell him, I don't look at myself in the mirror." She retorted and went back in her room.

Liv hesitated to follow her but decided to end with Nick first. "See! That's the reason why now is not a good time. It's 3 am Nick. She hadn't slept good since the assault and she shouldn't hear what this guy has to say. She already feel guilty for that woman's rape. You know that!"

"Liv I'm sorry for that. But I still believe she's not safe here. I don't wanna take any chances since…..I couldn't forgive myself if something happened." Nick sincerely admitted.

"I know Nick. But .. we'll question him tomorrow" , Liv looked at the time sighing, "well, later and decide what to do. But I don't believe it's necessary. This guy is just trying to justify what he did. We'll have this son of a bitch. Just… make sure you and Fin don't cross a line." Liv stated looking straight into Nick's eyes. "Now, go home and have some rest."

"Yeah, you too. You look like you could use some sleep. You know, if you want I can stay here while you.." Nick was only trying to help of course but this was clearly not possible.

"No!" Olivia answered a little too drily. "I mean.. Amanda needs me"

* * *

"Hey"

"Liv, please, go to sleep. There's nothing to talk about" Amanda was getting tired of having the same conversation.

"I don't agree. You have every right to be upset." Olivia was still as calm as she'd been before, trying her best to assure Amanda she understood her reaction.

"Liv I didn't plan for this to happen. I feel sick when I think about that woman. Nothing of that would have happen if I hadn't been in the gambling club in the first place.. If I managed not to fall into this stupid gambling.. If I.. nothing of that would have happened if I was.." She couldn't find the right word… "different".

"Honey.." Liv wanted to reassure her.

"Please don't call me that… you're.. being .. way too kind with me.. I don't.." It wasn't time for being nice. Amanda couldn't bear that anymore.

So Olivia changed tone. "Ok I won't call you that. I'll stop being nice. You wanna know what I do think? Do you want to?" Olivia realised she sounded more sharp than what she meant to. She wasn't sure this would work since Amanda jumped a little and held her breath and her lips together, just like a child that is doing her best not to burst into tears. It broke Olivia's heart to notice how the blonde's lower lip trembled. Amanda nodded anyway so there was no turning back now. To say the truth, Liv was nervous too, it was hard for her to sound cold when the only thing she wished was offering her compassion to the southern woman.

"That's right gambling wasn't your best idea. And you should have known better than falling into this again. You could have talked to someone. Fin.. you trusted Fin, right? You could have accept some help. You had options"

Seeing how Amanda was still holding her breath and her tears Olivia forced herself to come to her point as fast as she could before the blonde would have another panic attack. "That's what I thought in the first place, when I learnt about your undercover job" Olivia admitted. Her tone was nice and heart-warming again. She marked a pause, taking Amanda's hand. "But each second in your company, each minute in which you allow me to know you makes me understand how brave you've been since you were a child. You couldn't have done differently than what you did. You couldn't because you didn't learn trust."

Amanda was looking away. She said to herself that she must really feel exhausted because every single thing that happened made her wanna cry.

"You don't know what asking for help is. You never get this chance. You deserved better than that but you never get the love you deserved. And at this point I can only admire you for the way you managed to thrive, to study, to help everyone around you, to keep your pain for yourself and to just go on.. I can't only imagine how hard it's been and the only thing you should feel right now is pride" Olivia meant every word. It was unthinkable for Amanda to believe her, but she could notice how sincere Liv sounded, how loving and caring she was being once again.

"The only thing I feel is shame" Amanda let the tears fall. She wasn't crying hard, just letting go what was she couldn't handle.

"You only see the mistakes you made" lift placed her hand on Amanda's cheek and managed to dry some of the tears that were falling.

"I should have done better" Amanda kept blaming herself.

"Well, you can now"

Amanda shook her shoulders.

"Manda, nobody's perfect. Do you have any idea how many times Cragen kicked my ass?" Olivia let out a nervous laugh. "I have the feeling there are so many unresolved past tensions you keep inside yourself that you can't even focus on what just happened to you… you can't even see yourself as a victim"

"I'm not a victim" Amanda pronounced this last word with bitterness. She stopped crying the second she heard : victim.

Olivia clarified what she just said. "Not in that way… I meant… you don't see that what happened to you as unfair."

"Does it matter?" Amanda asked hopelessly

"Just answer one question for me. Can you do that? How are you feeling?" Olivia was already speculating on how the blonde would manage to avoid a sincere answer.

"Tired" Of course she was exhausted but this wasn't what Liv wanted to hear.

"How do you feel with what you just told me about your mum's boyfriend? How do feel about not being able to sleep? About not being able to eat?"

"Guilty!" Amanda angrily answered. "I'm feeling guilty for not letting you sleep. I feel stupid and stupid and stupid! Happy now?!" Amanda's nervousness didn't bother Liv at all.

"Didn't it cross your mind that I do care and I really, and I mean absolutely want to be there for you?

Amanda shook her head, looking down. "No" she whispered. "The only thing I keep repeating to myself is: sleep so that Liv can go to sleep".

"Sweetheart, you need to stop blaming yourself" Amanda stare at Liv not knowing what to answer.

"Come here" Olivia patted the cushion next to her. "Stop being stubborn for one sec!" she added as the blonde woman didn't move.

Amanda eventually put herself in bed for the third time that night. "That's good" Olivia smoothed. "Now close your eyes" she instructed with all the maternal love she could find inside herself. "You deserve to rest. And I'll be here to help in any way than I can.. I won't get tired of you. I won't leave."

"Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can feel him touching me" Amanda admitted. Even with her eyes closed, Liv could feel how insecure the blonde felt.

"I'm honoured you trust me enough to tell me.. and I promise you'll be safe"

Who was that "He?" Was she talking about her recent assault or her mum's boyfriend or was she talking about something else? Olivia wouldn't try to guess. She hoped Amanda would tell her as soon as she felt she could really trust her.


	18. Chapter 18

Thank you once again for the nice review... and no, don't worry, I won't let this story until it's finished! I also know it's a little messy.. there too many things going on... Amanda will open up to Liv about her nighmares, don't worry for that.. but I thought she needed a break before going on opening about her life. of course any ideas you could have is welcome! xox

* * *

Amanda didn't wake up before 11 am. Olivia was relieved she finally could have some sleep, even if it would probably take more than a few hours of rest to make her feel better. They got ready and as Amanda seemed more relaxed than last any other day, Olivia suggested they could get out together to take some breakfast. Amanda agreed. She felt like she could eat something without being sick for once. She took her shower without breaking down and was actually feeling better, she couldn't explain why. Was it the multiples conversations she had with Liv the previous night? Or was if the fact that one of her attackers was under arrest, or simply the rest she finally got, it didn't matter. She felt more like herself, she was ready to fight now. Olivia wasn't so optimistic. She knew the blonde was still keeping way to much things for herself, like her nightmares or what happened in her past. This would come out sooner or later and she was ready for it.

They went on a take away spot close to Fin's apartment and ordered coffee and donuts. Before Amanda could have a bite, she noticed a text from Fin that remembered her she was supposed to go to the hospital the day before, to check her injuries. When Amanda began to look cross, Olivia knew something was up. Amanda was playing with the donut, rubbing the sugar against her fingers.

"What did this donut do to you?!" Olivia questioned, trying to catch Amanda's attention.

Amanda sighed. "It was Fin. He reminded me I skipped my appointment at the hospital yesterday" She took a sip of coffee.

"Well, I'm sure we'll be able to fix this… after we finish breakfast" Olivia smiled.

Amanda nodded with apprehension still playing with her food. Olivia was also checking her phone and in the meantime Amanda discreetly gave a piece of her donut to Frannie.

"Rollins I said eating not sharing your food!" Olivia added bossily although she was also joking. "What will I do with you?" She stroked Amanda's shoulder.

The blonde had a bite before giving up. Going to hospital now wasn't exactly what she planned and her anxiety was noticeable.

"It's ok, we'll stop at the grocery after your visit. Hmm?" Olivia knew the last thing she saw the blonde ate was a smoothie the day before and of course she would make sure not eating didn't become an habit but for now she could understand Amanda was nervous.

* * *

Amanda preferred meeting the doctor alone. Olivia didn't object, she knew how private the blonde could be about her blonde wasn't feeling comfortable. She reluctantly agreed to take off her clothes and lay down on the examination table, it took her almost five minutes to let the doctor touch her stomach. Each time he placed his hands on her she tensed. She couldn't stop her legs from nervously moving. He didn't comment and then took her bloody pressure as well as her temperature and asked for a nurse to come in.

"Your bloody pressure is down, you have a little temperature and I suspect an urinary tract, that's why I want you to follow the nurse for a further exam. Amanda didn't like the coldness of this man. She was feeling like he was blaming her for something. "Could you remind me quickly what happened to you?" Amanda tensed, she took a breath but it didn't help much. She grabbed the table and try to stay calm.

Olivia had explained they miss and appointment yesterday and asked if there was a doctor available. If Amanda was secretly proud of herself for having agreed to go to the hospital without making a whole case about it, she now regretted it. She was still on the examination table, in her underwear. It was the only reason why she hadn't left the room already.

"Miss?" The doctor said since she didn't answer his question. "Also, I can see on your file you haven't agreed to meet a psychologist, I will call one to fix …"

"No!" she argued. "Liv!" she yelled, hoping the woman was waiting next door as she promised. "Liiiiiv!" She called again, louder.

The doctor dropped the file he was completing and weirdly looked at her. "Miss please, would you.."

Olivia wasn't sure but she swore hearing Amanda's voice and knocked at the examination room's door. "Is everything ok in here?"

"Liv" Amanda called again and Olivia entered without losing one more second.

Amanda was sitting on the examination room, panicked, holding her arms around herself.

"Amanda what's going on?" Amanda pointed her clothes on a seat and Olivia gave them to the shaking woman, looking at her with concern.

"I'm surprised you're a detective and haven't taken her to see a psychologist yet" was the first thing the doctor said to Liv. The brunette made sure Amanda was ok before turning around and facing him.

"I'm surprised you're a doctor according to your lack of tact." Olivia took a good look at the guy and regretted she hadn't met him before letting Amanda approach him.

"I'm just doing my job. It's the procedure" He pointed out.

"Well, I wanna see another doctor" Olivia ordered more than she asked.

Amanda shook her head, "No, it's ok. It's fine, I'm ok. Let's get out of here" She pleaded.

Liv took Amanda's shaking hand. "It's ok hun, let's just finish this."

The doctor left without adding a word.

"M'sorry" Amanda mumbled, staring at her lap.

"It's all right. This guy was a jerk" Olivia reassured her. "We'll soon be out of here"

"Liv can you.." Amanda couldn't ask for that, it was too embarrassing.

"Of course I'd stay if you'd like" Olivia didn't judge her, she was just caring and Amanda couldn't deny anymore that she felt safe in her company. Amanda offered a sorry smile. "Don't worry" Liv assured the blonde woman.

They waited for a few minutes. Amanda was nervously fiddling her hair until a smiling woman came in.

"Good morning, my name is doctor Daniels" she shook both Amanda's and Olivia's hands. "I apologize for my colleague, he's known for following the procedure literally" She sat at the office and had a look at Amanda's file. "Do you mind if I examine your injuries?"

"He already did that, it's.." Amanda couldn't wait for getting out of there.

"Let's say I'll be reassured if I have a look myself. Could I?" Doctor Daniels offered a warm smile and Amanda nodded. She didn't undress again. She simply unzipped her pant and lay down on the examination table for the second time, lifting her shirt and staring the ceiling.

"You need to tell me when the pain is too much" The doctor informed, carefully placing her hands on Amanda's bruised stomach. Amanda of course didn't complain, she was biting her tongue to bear the pain until she let escape a scream. Olivia cringed when she heard the blonde.

The doctor finished the examination and advised Amanda to really rest her muscles because it would never heal otherwise. Amanda finally accepted to check for any urinary infection and promised to make some efforts regarding the eating. Olivia assured that the blonde would have counselling when it'd be time.

* * *

Amanda walked as fast as she could out of the hospital.

"Hey, careful, you heard just like me that you're supposed to rest your muscles right?"

"Liv I'm feeling better" the blonde stopped and looked her boss in the eye.

"I know. I can see that. And it's great Manda… but let's take it slow, I didn't even know you still had a fever"

"It doesn't matter" Amanda objected but suddenly froze. She couldn't take her eyes of a guy, far away, who was getting into his car.

"Manda?"

Amanda jumped. "I thought it was someone else" She whispered.

"It's ok, let's go home" Olivia was familiar with this kind of reaction too. The days after Lewis, she saw him everywhere.

* * *

"So you promised, you'd try to eat"¨

Amanda looked at her plate. It seemed so full that she'll never see the end of it.

"I know I'm not the greatest cook, but still, you didn't eat more than three bites" Olivia was more and more worried about Amanda's hunger strike. Amanda left the table and set in the leaving room.

"Ok, let's just talk about it"

"Aren't you tired of talking about stuff?"

"No hun.. I'm not"

"I can't eat when.. I feel like.. he's touching me" Amanda shook her hands, disgusted.

"Honey… who's he?"

"My mum's ex-boyfriend"

"The one you threw out" Olivia clarified, just to be sure.

Amanda didn't answer but Olivia could read in her eyes that she was talking about him.

"Can you tell me what happened with him?"

Amanda shook her head. She didn't feel like talking about it, not now. She was saved by Fin who suddenly entered in his place.

"Long time haven't seen". Actually he hadn't left the precinct and Amanda's attacker since yesterday and he was drained. He needed a pause. He couldn't hear more for now from the man who hurt her partner.

"Liv, we need you at the precinct. I'll stay with Amanda" He assured. Olivia didn't want to leave now. She was about to know more about Amanda's past. "I'm sure this can wait" She fixed her hair and looked through Fin's eyes, hoping he would understand now wasn't the best time.

"Actually, it can't." Fin would have explain better if Amanda wasn't present but he thought it was best not to and of course Olivia was grateful for that. She also knew that if Fin insisted it was because she was really needed. "I'm sorry" she sincerely said staring Amanda's blue eyes. Amanda didn't mind. Olivia couldn't be her personal lifeguard she thought. And at least she wouldn't have to eat or to talk anymore.

* * *

"Take me out of here" was the first thing Amanda said as soon as she was alone with Fin.

"Where do you wanna go girl?" He was surprised of course, but he took it as a good sign. The Amanda he knew wasn't the kind of girl who liked to stay locked at home.

"Somewhere where I can breathe". She said, closing her eyes. "I wanna breathe"


	19. Chapter 19

Hope you'll like it... I know I repeat myself... but what else can I say? I'm so thankful for your review. xox

* * *

"So, what's our destination?" Fin questioned

"Far away" She simply answered.

Fin patted his finger over his mouth while thinking before starting driving. Amanda turned on the radio. The only thing she wanted was stopping the voice in her head. After some minutes of silence between the two partners, Amanda received a message, it was from the hospital. She dropped the telephone on the backseat, sighing.

"Who dares bothering you?" Fin wasn't the curious type but after what he heard these last days, he really had a reason to become as much paranoid as Nick.

"The hospital. Results from the test" Amanda didn't seem to care, but Fin was waiting for a more complete answer.

"Oh please, stop! I'll live Fin. It's just an urinary tract. Please don't take me home"

"I've got all night" He laughed and Amanda realised he must be tired.

"My god I'm so sorry, you wanted to rest" Because of her Olivia almost gave up her own life and he was tired too. "You know what, let's go back". She felt ashamed she didn't think about it before leaving. All she wanted was a pause, but Fin deserved one too.

"If you don't want me to worry than stop thinking about my ass"

Amanda liked his coolness. She wanted to ask if he was sure about it but she already knew he wouldn't like it. "Sorry" she mumbled.

* * *

"Where are we?" It was dark already and Amanda couldn't see a thing around her.

"Far away" he stated as he was pointing the obvious.

Amanda smiled at him. "I like it here" They were close to an airport in some quiet place far from the traffic. Amanda got out of the car and began staring at the sky. Every two minutes a new plane landed or took off. "I wish I could just.."

Fin didn't let her finish. "No you don't"

Amanda turned to face him. How could he know what she wanted or not?

"You would have been gone already if you wanted too" He smartly declared.

She stayed silent for a few seconds. "Point taken"

"If you want to start over, you don't have to go away. It's something inside you that has to change."

"I didn't know you were into poetry". She avoided a serious talk like a boss.

"Now get your ass on the car before you freeze to death" That's exactly what she needed. Spending some time with Fin. She missed that. Whatever ih happened, Fin was always Fin, he didn't change the way he talked to her. She missed her job. She wanted to be fine and to get back to work. That's what she understood during this car ride. She loved her life and she wanted it back.

* * *

It was about 10 when they got back home. Olivia's been there for two hours already. She could have some time to herself but spent half of it worrying about Amanda, asking herself what should she do to allow the southern girl to completely open up with her. She was working on some file but couldn't really focus. Olivia informed them she bought some chinese food. Fin of course made her way to the kitchen while Amanda avoided any contact going straight to her room.

* * *

"So, have you seen the case. Are you considering the option?" Fin questioned.

"Absolutely not" Liv seriously stated.

"Liv I don't like it either but if these guys are really stalking her, it'll be our best chance to set them up" Fin already knew it was pointless since Olivia would never agree

"This isn't opened to discussion. Amanda won't be used as a trap. Discussion closed" Olivia got up but before she had the chance to leave the kitchen Fin grabbed her by the arm. "I agree with you". She turned around to face him.

"Sorry Fin, I'm… hmm" Olivia rolled her eyes. It's been hard for her as well to meet Amanda's attacker.

"It's ok, I've spent hours with the guy I know the feeling!"

* * *

"Liv I swear I'm fine. I took a fever reducer. I could use some sleep and so do you." Amanda was trying to chase Olivia away and Olivia already guessed why. It was almost bed time and she was nervous.

"You don't want eat something first?" Try wouldn't hurt, Liv thought.

"I had a cocoa while on our way back. Just go back home for tonight, take some time for yourself" Amanda gave her an empty smile.

Olivia hesitated. Should she give Amanda the space she was asking for or should she follow her instinct? She was about to leave the room but when she reached the door she turned around and observed the blonde for a while. Amanda was setting her cushion, this shouldn't alert Olivia but it was the third time while she was in the room that she saw her turning it.

Olivia tenderly smiled while she sat on the bed. "You know, when I began to feel better, I could handle the daytime with no problem. But when the night came, it didn't matter how good had been my day, I felt anxious"

"But we can't avoid the night time, can we?" Amanda gave a fake smile

"We can learn to deal with it" Olivia assured.

"How.. how did you do?" Amanda shyly asked, replacing a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Couseling helped me. It still does" Olivia noticed this wasn't what Amanda wanted to hear. "I mean, talking about it… Whatever it is.. talking about it may help" Olivia hoped this answer would satisfy the blonde.

"Liv" Amanda cleared her voice. Anxiety was drying her mouth. "I'm sorry for putting so much weigh on your shoulder. I know I should talk to someone." Her hands moistened by the simple mention of this idea.

"Am I helping?" Olivia questioned. Of course she didn't need to be thanked.

Amanda wished she could just thank the woman for everything she's been doing for her. She couldn't find the words to express her gratitude. She awkwardly nodded. "But I understand you have other stuff.."

Olivia stopped her half-way. "Well, actually, I've got something to tell you"

Amanda gave a curious glance.

"This afternoon I called Lieutenant Murphy." Liv began and stopped when she saw Amanda's eyes filled with sadness.

"You'll have me transferred" was already Amanda's conclusion.

"Amanda, look at me. How can you even think about it?"

Amanda didn't dare to confront Liv's look.

"I asked him to help me with my department, for now. I realised I couldn't handle my job as it deserved to since my head was with you. Not to mention we're short staff. I'll be here for how long as you'll need me"

Amanda didn't expect that. She didn't know how to answer. She would never be able to thank Olivia for what she was doing. Embarrassment was too much. She excused herself and was about to leave but Liv didn't let her. "Manda, why are you crying?" Olivia gently said while stroking her arm.

"You… you.. shouldn't" Amanda mumbled.

"It's not about what I should or shouldn't do… It's more about what I feel like to do" Olivia assured.

"N… no… nobody.." Amanda wanted to tell that nobody ever did something like that for her… but she couldn't. She didn't even know how a normal person was supposed to react. But Olivia quickly noticed it and placed her hands upon the blonde's shoulders. "I know" She whispered. "I know sweetheart, but now.. it's different. Now you have us" Olivia nodded

"Right" Amanda took a short breath "Liv… I don't know how to thank you". It wasn't much, but she had to say it.

"Well… don't. Just so you know… I'm here… when you feel ready to talk.. I'll listen." Olivia warmly smiled.

Amanda nodded hesitantly. She turned in order not to face Olivia. She was on the edge of the bed. Her posture indicated how uncomfortable she was feeling. She kept her knees together and stared at them. she grabbed her hands together. For a few seconds she didn't move. She seemed lost in the past. Olivia didn't attempt to move. She let the blonde do like she was feeling like, respecting her need of not being looked at.

"I was thirteen" Amanda's broken voice finally reasoned in the guest room.


	20. Chapter 20

_Thanks so much for the compliment on my writing. You are very tolerant I'm grateful for that. I just hope one day I could practise some english in the US or UK.. lol xx..._

_let me know what you think about this chapter and of course any suggestion is welcome._

* * *

"I was thirteen" Amanda began.

Olivia would just listen. She wouldn't look at her. She would not interrupt, not even for encouraging or comforting. Amanda was closed in her bubble, if she came back on earth, she'd stop talking. It was so obvious anyone could notice how she was protecting herself from the outside world.

"It had been about two weeks since Anthony came to live with us. I don't know, I never liked him.. he was.. a weirdo.. My.. mum was in a bad time of her depression.. I guess he wasn't ready for that when he met her.. One day she was fine, the next one she stayed in bed crying. You could see in his eyes he was.. frustrated… I was.. the one who took care of the house. My sister was.. she was like she's always been.. carefree." Amanda replaced the context. It was the first time she was really telling a story not only by mentioning the facts but also allowing Liv to imagine what it was like to be her. It was the first time she seemed emotionally involved while speaking. Her voice was low. Although Olivia didn't turned around she could feel some words were hard to pronounce and others, like remembering Kim as a child made her smile a little.

"Kim was in her room, undressing herself.. Of course.. she didn't bother closing the door. And I saw the guy.. he just kept looking at her. His breath was loud.. He was so focused on her he didn't even notice I saw him" Amanda sat on the floor, leaning her back to the bed and keeping her legs close to her chest. Olivia knew what would come next would not be easy to hear, but she was prepared to be there for the southern girl.

"As soon as.. Kim went in the bathroom to take her shower he got up to follow her. I don't know what crossed my mind. I just ran to grab his hand and pulled him on the kitchen. At first he resisted but as soon as he looked at me, I didn't have to use strength anymore. He just followed me" Amanda wasn't feeling good but if she took a pause now she'd never end it. She had to tell this story. If Olivia was ready to listen than she just should go on. She ignored the feeling of being hit in the stomach from so much it hurt to carry on.

"I smiled at him." She admitted as it was the biggest mistake of her life. "He.. he smiled back.. I knew this wasn't good. Behind me there was only a wall, I couldn't get away.. I'm not even sure I would.. He.. grabbed my hair. I did what he wanted. He put it on my mouth" Amanda was silently crying, drying her lips in disgusts like if she could still feel him. "It was quick." Amanda coughed, to take off the taste in her mouth.

"During the supper, I couldn't eat. I felt like I could never put something on my mouth again. When we finished, I went in the garage.. I took my father's gun.. and I chased him out, swearing I'd kill him if he came back" Olivia took note on how quiet Amanda was. In her voice there was no anger, like if she didn't realise how traumatising it was to hold a gun for a child.

"My mum hated me for ruining her relationship with him. She thought I was defending my father's honour. Anyway.. a few weeks after she had a new boyfriend and she forgave me"

Amanda didn't talk for a while, staring the emptiness. Olivia didn't know if she had to say something or wait for a sign first. She decided to be patient for a bit until the blonde slowly turned around.

"For a while I couldn't eat.. then I got over it" This last sentence was pronounced as an apologise for not being able to ingest food for now. She stared at Liv and repeated. "Don't worry".

Liv nodded, not wanting to talk about food for now. Or maybe not wanting to talk at all. Amanda didn't look like she could bear talking about her past anymore. She closed herself again.

"You ok?" Olivia simply whispered to make contact with the blonde. Amanda shook her head. "It's spinning" she added, her head leant on her hands. Olivia slowly came closer to the blonde. "Take a deep breath" she soothed. It wasn't what she said, it was the reassuring and caring way she spoke that transformed these simple words in a wave of comfort.

"I don't know why Anthony came to my mind the other day. I never dreamt about him, I never think about it" Amanda admitted asking Liv for her point of view.

"You never talked about it?" Olivia asked with no judgement. Amanda shook her head. "It's the first time I mention him. I just kept going on with my life, went to school, and so on and so on" Amanda gave Liv a sad smile.

"You don't have to smile to make me happy, sweetheart" Olivia took Amanda's hand. "You don't have to" She added.

An awkward silence filled the room. Amanda didn't know what to say anymore, so Olivia tried to reassure the blonde. "Now it doesn't seem right to you that while you have to deal with the present, the past suddenly come haunting you.. but at the end.. you'll understand this had to come out. At the end, you'll finally heal"

Amanda wished she could believe her. "Will I?" In her eyes there was still too much room for doubt.

Olivia gave her one of her cheerful smile "You already began" She stated with no hesitation. The simple fact Amanda shared this story, proved she was truthfully opening up to Liv. "Come on… you can't stay on the floor"

Once Amanda was settled in bed she was still wondering what did Liv think about it. To say the truth, she was waiting for the typical: it wasn't your fault speech but Liv didn't pronounce it.

"Liv?" Amanda asked before the brunette left the room.

"I was just bringing you some water.. do not worry, I'm here"

When Olivia came back Amanda was sat on the bed again, the bedside lamp turned on.

"Tell me" Olivia asked, noticing Amanda's questioning look

"Well.. you.. you didn't tell me what you.. what you think" Amanda managed to declare

Olivia nodded. "I figured you wouldn't want me to comment"

Amanda seemed embarrassed. She stared the door, biting her lip. "I … I don't know.. forget"

Olivia didn't let her torture herself anymore. "hey hey.. It's ok" the brunette took place next to Amanda "To say the truth it's hard for me not to comment. Because I can't help the feeling inside of me… this need to let you know by all means that what happened wasn't your fault."

Amanda rolled her eyes

"I know you'll probably hating me for saying that. But really… Manda… what you did… was just…. Putting your sister first….. protecting her…. You were thirteen for god's sake. I can't help but asking myself how can a mother not notice… How?"

"Don't judge her." Amanda cut the brunette drily. "She was sick. She still is. Depression is not an easy stuff"

"I'm not judging" Olivia assured. "Trust me I'm no one to judge your mother. I'm just saying…" Olivia wouldn't find a better way to say it. For how much resentful she could be, she perfectly understood the situation. "You know, I didn't have much friends at school.. I was kind of.. lonely… I didn't want someone to find out about my family life. Really Manda…. I'm not judging" Olivia assured staring Amanda's blue eyes to let her know she meant it.

Amanda nodded. "It's ok"

Olivia placed the cover again on Amanda. "I'm just saying…. You've been… very strong all your life… you still are…. I just want you to know… I'm here" Olivia protectively declared. "I'm here and I thank you for the trust you're putting in me. I won't let you down…"

Amanda seemed satisfied, or maybe not. But she wouldn't think about it now. If she planned to get some sleep, she should focus on letting the past behind.

"Just give me a minute… I'll stay with you.. if you'd like"

Amanda shook her shoulders. But in her eyes Olivia could see she was asking for her presence. In her eyes Olivia could see how frighten she was about having another nightmare.

Olivia left the room for a while. As soon as she was alone, she let out a sad sigh. This wasn't fair. Amanda didn't even realise how brave she'd been all her life. She only saw her own mistakes. This had to change. This would change. Olivia nodded to herself.


	21. Chapter 21

Amanda fell asleep in no time and so did Liv but instead of joining the blonde, she crushed on the sofa while she was trying to work. A few hours had passed until Olivia suddenly woke up, alerted by the screaming coming from Amanda's room.

Blinking a few times in order to feel operational, she reached for the blonde's room. Amanda was literally freaking out. Curled up against the wall and facing it, she refused Fin to approach her. "Get away!" She kept repeating. Olivia was a bit surprised to find him there, but he must have heard her before her. Olivia was on the threshold. For a brief moment she felt guilty to have fallen asleep instead of staying with Amanda as she promised, the second after she was annoyed Fin didn't call her. But this didn't last more than three seconds after what she tried to approach the southern girl.

"Manda" she announced her presence since she wasn't even sure Amanda was aware of what was around her. "Amanda, it's Olivia"

Fin let Olivia managing her but he couldn't resolve himself to leave. He knew she was having a real hard time since the assault but it was the actual first time he assisted to such a scene: he could assure his co-worker was terrified. Olivia was a little more used to comfort her but seeing her so agitated wasn't usual.

Olivia prudently knelt to stroke Amanda's arm. She knew from experience as soon as the blonde would notice she was safe it would be easier. She just needed Amanda to turn around instead of facing the wall. "Amanda, it's me, it's Liv" she repeated with concern

If Amanda first pushed her, she soon recognized the reassuring voice and finally dare to turn her head. "Livia" She managed to say between the sobs. "It's ok babe, I got you" Olivia could finally offering her the security she needed. Fin didn't move, in part not to frighten the blonde but also because he wanted to make himself useful. Olivia gave him a glance and he slowly approached the two women. Fin knelt as well and as Amanda noticed his presence he knew he could now touch her. He waited for her to calm down before helping her up. She didn't protest, she simply stare his worried eyes.

"I am sorry" She shamefully articulated.

Fin wanted to say something nice but he knew it would have been worse. "Don't start that shit" he answered, giving a half smile though.

It reassured her.

Olivia placed her hand in Amanda's back, seating next to her. "Are you ok?"

Amanda nodded as Fin handed her a glass of water. "Why don't we all try to go back to sleep?" Fin suggested. Olivia agreed although she didn't think she'd be able to rest again and she knew neither would he, but Amanda replaced herself under the cover. Fin left the room while Olivia lay on her side, close to the blonde.

"Manda I'm sorry I wasn't there" Olivia had promised her she'd stay at her side and hoped the blonde wasn't feeling as she was avoiding her. Amanda didn't answer mainly because she was still terrified with her nightmare.

"You just dreamt about your recent assault, didn't you?" Olivia knew if she didn't try to guess she wouldn't obtain anything. Seeing how frighten to blonde still was, she figured it was because she just relived something fresh that she didn't have the time to accept yet.

"This time.. it was different" Amanda avoided, grateful for Olivia's presence

"You can tell me" Olivia softly said.

"They were attacking me.. but at the same time I could see them from the outside.. like a spectator" Amanda let escape a sob even though she promised herself not to cry again.

"How did it feel?" Olivia didn't ask for curiosity. She simply let an occasion to the blonde she was holding to express her feelings as she needed.

"Worse" Although it helped to say it loud, she didn't need to add more.

Maybe now she finally realised what she'd just been through. Maybe now she's taking conscience she doesn't deserve what happened.

"You're safe now" Olivia soothed while placing her hand behind Amanda's head. It was the first time she had to treat her like an actual survivor and reassure her. Not that she liked the idea but it was another good sign, deep down. It meant Amanda was ready to accept all this was unfair. "Just close your eyes, I'll be right here"

"M'so sorry" Amanda answered.

"What did Fin say.. don't start that shit?" It didn't have the same effect, coming from Olivia. The woman was still tensed. "I've been there, Manda.. I know how it's like" This helped her better. If Olivia could do it, than she would too. Or at least she would try. With this resolution, she closed her eyes and let the tiredness win.

* * *

"She's asleep?" Fin asked, having a cup of coffee just like as if it was a silent agreement that they would meet when Amanda would be sleeping soundly.

Olivia nodded while she helped herself with the hot beverage. "You know she had to go through this, it's the only way to feel better" Olivia didn't know why she felt the need to reassure him. Fin wasn't usually the one that was looking for comfort but this time it was different. This time they were talking about someone they closely knew and it changed the rules, specially if they were temporary sharing the same roof. Sooner or later, he had to see her when she was really broken. "She freaked out when she saw me entering her room. I didn't expect that. It was like she was dreaming awake"

"It could be" Olivia assured. "Nightmares after a trauma can seem so real.. it's a normal reaction. I would be more worried if she didn't experience such things"

"I know you're right. I just.. didn't realise it was… like that" Fin admitted, a little ashamed.

Olivia could understand him, specially since Amanda didn't show herself with him the same way she was with her. Not that she didn't trust him. Maybe she found herself even closer to Fin than she was with Olivia but they were partner. Amanda wouldn't him to think she was weak.

"We need to take a decision" Olivia took advantage of this time with him to move on with Amanda's case.

"The guy – Luciano- agreed to plead guilty on all charges if we allow him to serve his sentence in Brazil" Fin refreshed the situation.

"That's what I heard. What's your opinion?" Olivia already had her own but asked his first not to influence him.

"I don't know Liv. He doesn't feel remorse for what he did. He thinks it's justice. So why plead guilty except if he knows he can work something out once he leaves the country"

Olivia nodded. "That's what I thought. But if we can't avoid a process, it would be for the best. I'm not sure Amanda's ready for court." Fin had no choice than agree on that argument, specially after tonight.

"And about the other attackers? Would we ever find something concrete?"

"Once he says they left the country. Once he says they're ready to make her pay for pursuing them, once he says he has no idea where they are and that's our job to find out" that's another reason why Fin needed a comforting word tonight. It wasn't only about Amanda, but he was aware that they were losing every chance to catch the other attackers.

"That's obstruction to justice. We won't agree to his deal unless he talks." Olivia was strict on that, as she already talked with Lieutenant Murphy.

"Yeah, but if we agree to his deal and he and he says they're gone, we would never make be sure that one of them paid for what he did"

"This is the exact reason why we're going on with the investigation and won't agree any deal for now" Olivia stated

* * *

Amanda took her shower and joined Olivia in the kitchen that hadn't taken more rest. She'd been working on Amanda's case and other desk task since Fin left.

"Morning" Olivia gave Amanda a welcoming smile. Today will be the day when the blonde would start eating properly again, she decided but didn't announced it yet.

"Hey" Amanda didn't know how she should react. Last night she just share one of her biggest past secret. after that, she freaked out, and now she should just get up and act as if nothing happened. Was this the normal thing to do when you have someone you can count on to? Amanda had no idea.

Olivia caught the lost look in her eyes but they would have a whole day to talk about serious stuff. "Were you able to rest a little bit more?"

Amanda nodded with the same confused look.

"Manda what is it?" She asked with concern. Olivia didn't want to push her as soon as she woke up but she felt like Amanda needed it.

"I feel like.. the laziest person in the word" Amanda sighed

Olivia held her an orange juice. "Honey it's only been 4 days"

Amanda got a little bit nervous "yeah and since then I did what? Except trying to sleep?" Her anger soon increased the sensation of emptiness in her already-spinning head but she wouldn't show it. It was her damn fault she wasn't eating, she should face the consequences.

Olivia pretended she didn't notice the way the blonde grabbed the table for reassurance and simply answered her question. "What did you do? Let me refresh it, you agreed to press charges, you went to hospital, you told me what happened, you made the ID of the first attacker, you agreed to see a doctor, you opened up about a very difficult time of your past. It doesn't seem like nothing to me, for a woman who never trust anyone in her entire life" Olivia gave her a satisfied nod. "I think you're doing great" she added as an encouragement.

"Well, it would be helpful to establish a trust directions for use" Amanda added ironically

Olivia couldn't wait to hear more about this brilliant idea and gave Amanda an amused smile. She also thought the Amanda she knew was on her way back.

"What should I feel right now? How must I act?" she added with the same irony but Olivia knew that she was being serious.

"Hun, you know what's good about trust? There is no good way to act. Cause every way is fine"

Amanda liked the nice formulated answer but it didn't help her much.

"I'm not expecting you to feel good because we talked, neither to be sad, or what ever. You have to just act like you feel. I'm not here to judge I'm here to help." Olivia added with tenderness.

The first thing that came in Amanda's head was: and if I don't want help? No, she couldn't say it, she couldn't say it, she wouldn't say it! She wanted help, she just didn't know how not to feel guilty about it afterward.

* * *

_Hmm... I just want to say... I know nothing about law in US. Is the deal Amanda's attacker want even possible? hmm.. it some of you can't stand to read such an absurdity.. well just let me know I am willing to change... but I tryed to look in google: US pain abroad... don't laugh... ok laugh... well... my purpose is to develop more about the feelings between Amanda and Liv (and a little with Fin) so I admit I am not comfortable with the investigation as I really don't like it... at first I wanted to write a fiction about an Amanda unwilling to press charges... because... hey... let's be honest... how many didn't have the courage to do it and still survive... It was my first intention.. and I thought she might be the kind of girl that doesn't want to go to trial.. but then I don't know what changed my mind.. maybe the fact her team wouldn't accept it... _

_Anyway... let me know what you think and thanks for the review everytime you made me smile! XXX_


	22. Chapter 22

_Thanks very much. I appreciate your help and understanding for the legal aspect of the fiction. To answer you: no, I don't think Amanda's developping an eating desorder although the way she is acting with food is weird, I agree haha. and also No I won't turn this into a love fiction, do not worry. (although I have nothing against it.. this is really about compassion and friendship). _

_and also something I wanted so say... I'm so grateful with everyone that takes the time to give me a feed-back because it helps... to know that I'm not taking a wrond direction and that you like it...(or not) but I don't wait for a number of review to add a new chapter or whatever... I just write when I feel like. I won't play the "pity" card haha.. but writing is a way to heal for me and has always been. This chapter is for a special guest that truely touched my heart. _

_anyway.. forget it... "happy read"!_ xxx

* * *

"Amanda are you mad with yourself because you feel tired?" Olivia didn't need an answer. The way the blonde sighed was enough. "Look. I've got a few phone calls to make, then I'll go and walk Frannie.. why don't you just turn on the television and relax on the sofa.. It's 8 am!" Olivia perfectly understood the situation though as she herself hated doing nothing and knew the blonde needed to keep her mind busy.

"What if.." Amanda faced Liv.. why should she even ask her the permission.. "I wanna walk Frannie myself"

Olivia couldn't let her go out by herself since she didn't know if the threatens of her attackers were real. But she couldn't take the risk. "Well.. we could go together if you feel up to"

Amanda grabbed her hair, today she was in a bad mood and couldn't really explain why. "No Liv.. I mean… just me.. alone"

"You know why I can't let you. Outside there.."

"Ok" Amanda cut her dryly

"Manda" Olivia tried again softly

"It's ok Liv.. I know" Amanda was aware she was being unfair. "I just.. I guess I need time with myself.. I'm not sure what I think"

"About what?" Olivia understood but she wasn't sure if there was there was something particular she was referring to

"Everything.. I don't know how I feel"

"Allright, let's make a deal.. you eat something and I disappear for a few hours.. I leave you alone" Olivia smiled until she realised it wasn't the way she should have put it.

Amanda of course hated the blackmail. Instead of answering she just grabbed nervously her fingers while rolling her eyes.

"It's not.. what I meant" Olivia assured. "I am just worried" She declared.

"You don't have to" Amanda was sure she could deal with the food and thought Liv got it but apparently not.

Olivia gave it a thought for a second and then patted Amanda's arm, "let's seat for a while"

Amanda followed her on the sofa even though she didn't feel up to talk right now

"Not now.. I have nothing to say.. I just" Every word that came out was permeated with Amanda's bad mood

"It's a good thing because I have something I wanna share" Olivia decided sincerity was always the best way with Amanda. It apparently worked because Amanda's face softened.

"I've been doing this job for so long that guilt doesn't have secrets for me anymore. I know today you're feeling guilty for just opening up with me" Amanda stopped looking at Liv and preferred keeping busy grabbing a magazine on the coffee table. She already hated how childish she looked like but that guilt was the reason why she needed some time alone. She really couldn't deal with Olivia before having some time for herself. Olivia noticed Amanda's attitude and took a pause but she just would go on anyway. "I think it's fair for you to know that if something happened to you, I'd feel guilty too. I am deeply worried about the fact you refuse eating. I mean, after what you explained me yesterday I can understand the reason.. but.. how do I know you won't crawl.. I can't let you.. I'm worried." Olivia wasn't sure it was a good idea to let her know she wasn't sure how to handle the food problem but at the same time admitting she wasn't perfect could also help Amanda to understand nobody was. It didn't mean she wasn't able to take care of the blonde, but admitting her weakness was the responsible thing to do even though she hated it. Amanda stared the magazine for some seconds, just the time to figure out what to answer. "It's not your fault if I can't eat" Amanda admitted still not looking at the brunette.

"I know that, but if you faint in front of me I won't feel the same way" Olivia declared.

"Sometimes I'm hungry.. for three seconds.. then when I figure out what to eat, I just.. it disgusts me.. from the bottom of my soul" Amanda said, looking at Liv, as to let her know how willing she was but couldn't act on it.

"Let's just go step by step… what would you feel like to eat?"

Amanda just shook her head.

"Something fresh? Like the smoothie the other day?" Olivia noticed she drank it with no pain

"Yeah.. fruits are ok.. I guess" Amanda agreed

"Well, it's a start. It works for me" Olivia smiled as she headed for the fridge

"Hmm.. it's as empty as your stomach" Olivia joked. "Let's go buy some stuff and then I'll leave you alone… how does that sound?"

Amanda couldn't be mad at Liv. For the first time somebody cared, somebody noticed, somebody was here to help. "Fine" she agreed

* * *

Amanda promised she'd nourish herself and so she did, even though she had had enough with the milkshake she just had with Liv. She cut two slices of the pineapple they just bought and painfully tried to ate them. The first bites were the hardest, it hurt to swallow, it hurt to let something enter inside her throat. It wasn't just about the food, it was more about how disgusting it made her feel. She gave up after one slice. She decided it was enough for now but she would try again later. She felt like she could use this time alone to analyse the situation she was in. Of course she was grateful everything Olivia and Fin were doing for her, but she didn't have the time to question herself.

At first, she was relieved and at the same time, she didn't remember how she used to get herself busy when she was alone in her own apartment. Oh right! She hated it. She avoided this situation every time that she could. Being alone was equal to face herself, face the emptiness of her social life, the still open wound from her past… and her sister of course.. that's why she gambled. To forget, to escape reality.. to have control… she shook her head. She didn't want to think about gambling for now. She hated herself enough for that but now she had to focus on regaining control of her life first. She couldn't count on Olivia and Fin forever. She didn't know why the idea of going back in her old apartment as she surely wanted this morning suddenly made her feel nervous. She finished cleaning the kitchen table and looked around herself. What would she do? She had nothing to do. This thought made her feel anxious too. She shook her head again, as it would help the negative thought to vanish and headed for the sofa. her stomach still hurt like hell when she attempted to set or get up, but it was going better otherwise. She hesitated to give a look at her bruise but decided against it. It would make the assault real. Wait, what? Wasn't it real already? Amanda was confused. The thought in her head skipped from one to another but any of them made her feel quiet. "Well, you needed to think about how guilty you felt, remember?" Amanda said it loud and sighed when she realised it. She grabbed the remote control and turned the tv on although she usually hated it. she now understood when survivors use to tell about how they always needed something to reassure themselves when they were alone. Wait Amanda, you're not going to compare yourself to a survivor. That's not what you are. You're a detective, she thought "you're a detective" she whispered to make sure her brain heard it. "Am I?" she said louder. Even though she tried to chase away the insecurities, the doubt was stronger. Will she ever get her life back? Olivia kept repeating me than I'm strong, so I just have to focus on that. I can do it, she tried to say to herself, hoping that it would be more helpful. Of course it didn't work neither because she hated herself for what she just thought. If she needed to repeat what Olivia said to help her feeling better, than she wasn't strong but on the opposite she was weak. Damn! Will her brain never stop to be despondent? "Crap!" she crossed her legs and realised she hasn't been looking what was on television, so she began zapping as she heard lots of people it helped them to relax. It seemed to work for a few minutes so she kept changing channels without really focusing when suddenly a noisy action movie on the screen made her jump. Instinctively, she looked around for Olivia's presence. Olivia always had a nice word, or a smile or just a simple reassuring look that had the power to chase the bad feelings away. She now regretted to be alone. She needed Olivia's presence so badly. The feeling of panic was taking control. It became harder and harder to breathe. She tried to calm herself down. She didn't even know why she felt that way. She reached for her phone. She just wanted to hear her, than it'd be fine again, she thought. No! She couldn't call her. She probably was busy and she also deserved some time to herself. Amanda wanted to find herself alone to think about what she just shared with Liv and now she wanted her to be with her again, what a contradiction. She dropped the phone on the coffee table. She would be able to calm herself down, there was no need to be nervous. She was home, she was safe, she was … stupid. But she couldn't resolve not to call Olivia.

"Liv?" she tried to sound like she was fine though.

"Manda? I'll be right there" Olivia didn't need an explanation, she kind of waited the blonde to feel nervous sooner or later, she just hoped she would manage to be there on time to avoid a panic attack. She knew from the beginning this was a bad idea. But she also couldn't refuse Amanda's request of having time for herself.

"No.. it's… ok" she slowly said, hoping Olivia wouldn't hear the wheezing between each word.

"Yes hun, everything's fine… just keep on talking with me.. I'll be there in to time" Olivia reassuringly answered although she was half running towards her car.


	23. Chapter 23

Here you go another chapter. Your last review were so nice... I couldn't resist to write a new one today.

Also I am sorry for the ones who are disappointed this story won't become a love fiction. I do understand your point of view but I just don't think it'll fit this story.

Also, I began a new fiction. I'm not sure you'll like it, since it'll be very different.. but still... you can give it a try if you feel like to. It'll be about Amanda only and some fictional character and it's called: pen friend.

Bless you all xxx

* * *

Olivia was driving while she was on the phone with Amanda. If she managed to keep her voice quiet, telling that she wasn't worried would be a lie. The blonde hardly answered her and seemed to have a really hard time breathing. She was having a panic attack there was no room for doubt.

"Sweety I want you to take a deep breath"

Olivia tensed as the woman didn't answer.

"Amanda you're ok, I need you to say something"

Olivia should have known better than letting her alone, it was too soon. She nervously patted her fingers against the steering wheel. "Talk to me, Manda". She focused but all she could hear seemed distant. Amanda must have dropped the phone, she thought.

Suddenly another idea crossed her mind. For a brief moment she imagined Amanda's attackers somehow managed to get there.. 'What if' no, no, no! She couldn't begin to imagine the worse otherwise she would be of no help.

Olivia was herself a little short-breath when she inserted the key into the keyhole Nevertheless, as soon as she caught sight of the blonde, she was able to take control of the situation. Amanda was in the kitchen, trying to pour herself a glass of water but with her still shaking hands she couldn't manage to aim the glass. Amanda had calmed down but it looked like anything could make her getting anxious again, even the simple fact of not being able to pour water.

"Amanda" Olivia knew better then admitting how scared she was while she was coming back to Fin's place. "Here, let me help" Olivia grabbed the bottle from the blonde's hand who passively let it go and began crying again. "Hey, hey.. what is it?"

Why did she have the feeling somehow she was the cause of Amanda's tears?

"I" Amanda didn't find the courage to answer. A few seconds before, she was boiling but now she began shivering with cold. Olivia dropped the glass and led the blonde in the leaving room instead.

"I'm so stupid" Amanda mumbled, sitting herself on the sofa.

"You're not" assured Olivia. "It's ok to feel scared" Olivia tried to understand what exactly happened but maybe it wasn't the right time to push Amanda. She look disorientated and kept blinking her eyes like she was fighting against tiredness. "Honey, why don't you take a nap?" Olivia tried instead. Amanda didn't want to sleep but she couldn't keep her eyes open, like if her entire body refused to be operational. "All right" Olivia coaxed not expecting for an answer. She helped the blonde to lie down and wrapped her with a blanket.

"You just relax for a while" Even if she didn't actually sleep, it would surely help to stay still. Olivia couldn't help but notice some lonely tears that occasionally kept falling out of Amanda's closed eyes. The blonde was easing off from the anxiety she just experienced.

After half an hour Amanda sat up straight.

"Feeling better?" Olivia asked with concern.

"Olivia I shouldn't have bothered you. I'm sorry" If she felt guilty that morning, now she simply wished she could find some place to hide

"Amanda, I'm glad you called me" There was nothing wiser she could have done.

Amanda wished the rest would have helped, and for a minute she thought it had, but now she felt again like she was going to faint. Olivia noticed how pale she was and how blue her lips turned all of a sudden. The blonde couldn't focus as the world kept spinning so fast. "I don't feel good" She anxiously admitted.

Olivia rushed closer and gently stroke her arms "How can I help?"

Amanda hated the way she was feeling today.

"I don't know, I don't know anything" This was how she began panicking earlier, realising she had no control on the events. Her breath became shorter and shorter.

"Honey, I need you to let go. Listen to me, the more you bottle in, the most you'll feel bad. Just let this happen and don't be afraid" Olivia knew this was the hardest thing she could ask to Amanda: try to stop controlling.

"I'm losing control.. my whole life.. I'm pathetic" Amanda kept blaming herself and Olivia had to stop this absolutely.

"Just let me help. Will you trust me on that? Please honey, let me" Olivia softly said

"Make this go away", the blonde begged. Amanda didn't care anymore about how stupid she was being. Call her 'weak' but if Liv could do something about this uneasiness, she would be grateful for life.

"Close your eyes" Olivia instructed with a maternal tone

"I can't I.." Amanda needed to control.

"Try for me" Olivia encouraged. "I'm gonna tell you a story, and I want you to focus on imagining it the best way you can"

Amanda wasn't in a mood for playing guessing games or what ever, she felt her heart beating so fast in her chest she felt like it would explode at any time.

"All right" Olivia settled on the sofa next to the southern girl.

"I want you to imagine yourself in a wood. You're seated in the middle of the trees"

Amanda was still grabbing her hard and although she tried to listen to Olivia, the brunette didn't made sense.

"What colours are the trees?" Olivia asked.

"What?" Amanda didn't follow her anymore. She felt like she would never be fine and Olivia was talking about trees?

"The trees you're imagining.. Can you describe them for me?"

What trees was she talking about? Amanda invented a probable answer.

"They're green.. They're big" Not very accurate for a detective but Olivia was satisfied.

"Good!" she happily declared. "So you're in the wood, you're seated… and you place your hand on the ground… how does it feel like?"

"It's wet" Amanda mumbled.

"Ok, it's wet, so you decide to get up and take a walk… you feel the light air ruffling your hair… you feel good in the nature… and suddenly you notice there's a bird in front of you. He's hurt. You see it? What will you do?" Olivia's story was just a pretext to keep Amanda's mind busy until the feeling of panic disappeared. Amanda didn't notice it yet, but her breath had gone back to normal.

"First I have to make sure Frannie won't eat it" Amanda cunningly retorted.

She opened her eyes to find Olivia's welcoming smile. "You ok?"

Amanda nodded gratefully and at the same time without understanding what just happened. The anxiety totally disappeared and she even felt like she could use a walk in the woods.

"How did you do that?" She asked Olivia still surprised this simple thing helped her.

"I've red stuff about relaxation, I never experimented it myself.. I just figured you needed to let go" Olivia was satisfied to finally notice some colours on the blonde cheeks.

"You got me quite a scare missy!" She had to admit

"It's the worst thing I ever felt" Amanda answered truthfully.

Olivia hesitated. Would it cause the blonde to panic again if they talked about it? Maybe she would avoid any discussion about her assault for today, it would be for the best. But she had to know something. If she wanted to prevent another attack, they at least had to understand what caused it "Could you tell me, how it began?"

"I" Amanda didn't want to talk about it but she couldn't refuse Olivia's request after what just happened. "I think I.."

"Manda, it's ok to tell me" Olivia reassured. She would never get tired of repeating the same things because she was aware it was all Amanda needed.

"I.. was thinking about how many things I need to fix in my life.. and I thought about you"

"About me?" Olivia repeated a little too shrilly

"yeah" Amanda sighed. "I try to calm myself down thinking about your advice and then I…" Then she noticed she needed someone to help her, Olivia realised in silence.

"Manda I want to answer some questions you may have" Olivia stated.

Amanda shook her head "No I"

Olivia smiled. "Relaaax. Listen to me.."

If Amanda didn't have to do the talking, then it was fine.

Olivia tried to guess everything the blonde should be worry about. "No you don't bother me. Yes, I do care about you for real." Olivia paused between each sentence, to let the blonde integrate them. "Yes, I think you're one of the strongest woman I know, yes you'll get over this bad time of your life.. and" Did Olivia answered enough eventual questions for now? Ah! Last but not least, Olivia gently stroke Amanda's shoulder: "No, you won't have to go through this alone"

Amanda carefully listened even though she couldn't answer. Once again, Olivia was being great with her and saved her from the embarrassment of sounding weak. "You won't?" Amanda asked with a pinch of sadness in her voice.

"No Honey… I'm right here. Get used to it"


	24. Chapter 24

_Happy easter every one! thank you so much for letting me know what you think..._

_Luv svu... what you say means a lot... thanks.. u made my day! _

_I specially think about the ones that feel lonely. This chapter is for them. _

_xxx bless xxx_

* * *

On the table there were files. Fin dropped them there when he came back from work. The first one had a label with the name 'Rollins' on it. Amanda didn't mean to rummage but curiosity got the best of her.

"Lost something?" Before entering in the shower, Fin remembered that he had left the files on sight. He was supposed to bring them back to Olivia and since the brunette left when Fin came back home, he just forgot them.

"Sorry" Fin apologized when he noticed the way her co-worker jumped. He didn't mean to scare her of course, but still, they decided Liv and him, that for this case Amanda shouldn't be treated any different than any other victim.

"So, aren't you gonna fill me in?" Amanda asked as it was obvious

"'Manda no offence but I don't think it's a good idea" Fin quietly said.

"Come on Fin" Amanda gave him a smile while she tried to open the file again.

Fin came closer and firmly closed it. "Sorry". He truly was but he wouldn't let her win.

Amanda couldn't believe Fin was refusing her the right to see what was happening in the investigation about her own assault. She most of all agreed to press charges because Fin convinced her to do so. She trusted him for her life and he wouldn't let her watch a simple file? She just stare in the kitchen looking at him like he just betrayed her. She couldn't take the distance necessary to understand that he was doing the right thing. Fin didn't blame her for that. All the detectives in the squad had had her same reaction when a case concerned them personally.

* * *

While Fin was taking his shower he was thinking about how he could try and explain Amanda that he was acting for her own good. It wouldn't be easy because she seemed pretty upset. Of course he couldn't know that she already had an anxious day. When he was back on the leaving-room he couldn't find Amanda. She probably didn't want to talk with him that's why she went in her room, he figured and headed there.

He knocked at the door but got no answer. "Amanda, we need to talk"

He knocked a second time, and opened the door, knowing that if she was angry, she would be too proud to let him in. Fin began to get nervous when he found her room empty. He began checking every corner of his apartment, calling her name but there was no sign of Amanda. On the coffee table, he noticed her cell phone was still there, so he couldn't reach for her. He rushed into his room to grab his cell phone in his jacket pocket.

"What do you mean, gone?" Olivia nervously shouted back at him.

"Liv, calm down, we're going to find her, where could she be in twenty minutes?" Fin tried to reassure her although he knew how Amanda could be full of resources.

"Am on my way" Olivia answered back and hanged up.

Fin couldn't stay there and wait for Olivia doing nothing so he decided to walk around the area and look after her. He quickly took his jacket on the coat-hanger and noticed Amanda's one was still there. It was so cold outside that she must already be freezing. How couldn't he hear her leave?

As soon as Fin noticed Olivia's car, he ran to meet her and jumped inside. Olivia wanted to ask him why! What did upset Amanda so much to make her run away. But she knew that it wasn't Fin's fault and that the only thing they should focus on for now was to find her.

"Any idea?" Olivia turned her head to face him. Fin hated himself right now but the first thing he thought about was a gambling place.

"No" Olivia answered. She spent the past four days with Amanda and she was sure that the blonde felt so guilty about what happened that she wouldn't put a feet on a gambling club. But still, the blonde was talking this morning about her need of control… if it was what she was looking for in the gambling, then, they couldn't exclude this possibility.

"Fin, I need your help here… where does Amanda usually go?" Olivia guessed she probably wanted to be in a familiar place.

Why couldn't Fin find an answer to that question. Probably because he was under stress but also because Amanda didn't talk much about what she loved, where she usually spent her free time. Olivia tried to stay as calm as she could but she was thinking about that morning. She truly hoped Amanda wasn't having a panic attack in the somewhere in the street.

Neither Fin nor Olivia could Fin a decent clue of what was Amanda doing right now.

Liv stopped the car. What they were doing was useless. It's been more than an hour since Amanda disappeared and they still had no idea where she could be.

"Fin, tell me what happened" Olivia asked. She had spent some time with Amanda, and her best chance to find an idea would be to try to put herself in Amanda's skin.

Fin nodded. "She noticed the files about her assault. I forgot it was on the table. She wanted to have a look at it but I didn't let her. She was upset. I went to take my shower, and she was gone. I never should have.."

"Stop that shit, isn't what you say to her?" Olivia needed to focus. They would have plenty of time to blame themselves after they found her.

"Ok" Olivia said. She was more talking to herself than to Fin. "She felt betrayed.. if we can't trust her.. than.. she has no reason to stay.. she may as well go.. in some place she feels good"

"Yeah… the fact is near here there is nowhere where she'd feel good… and.."

"The park" Olivia interrupted him, near certain they'd find her there.

* * *

Olivia let out a sigh when she noticed a figure on the bench she was seated with the blonde the other day. She nodded at Fin and they hurriedly rushed towards it.

Amanda barely noticed their presence. She kept staring her lap, like she was in shock. "Amanda" Olivia quickly took the blonde's hands in her own and gave Fin a glance. The blonde was so cold that it hurt her when Olivia began rubbing her fingers. She shook her head and tried to free herself from Olivia's grip. "Amanda it's ok… It's ok" Olivia kept repeating.

In the meantime Fin took off his jacket and wrapped it around Amanda's shoulders. He honestly didn't know why they didn't just carry her into the car but he let Olivia lead the situation. "You're freezing honey… We have to go back inside" Olivia stated reassuringly

Amanda stared at Liv. She opened her mouth but no sound came. She couldn't articulate so she shook her head stubbornly.

"At least, come inside the car" Olivia pried.

Amanda wanted to refuse. She promised herself she wouldn't stay at Fin's place tonight. If nobody trusted her, she wouldn't trust them. But here there was. Olivia. She kept looking at her with compassion and concern.

Olivia noticed the hesitation in Amanda's eyes and took advantage of it. "Come with me" she gently helped her up and Amanda felt so safe when Olivia was around that she just followed her to the car. Amanda gave a look at Fin too. She didn't understand why he seemed so lost. She knew him well and she could tell when he was really troubled by something.

* * *

Olivia sat on the backseat with Amanda while Fin drove. She placed her arm behind the blonde's shoulders and regularly rubbed them.

Ironically, the more Amanda got warm, the most she was shaking.

Olivia couldn't let go of the blonde's hands. She felt so grateful they found her before something bad happened. Still, she was wondering if Amanda wasn't right. Should they let the blonde know about what was happening with her attacker if she wanted to? Without noticing the blonde had fallen asleep in Olivia's arms. Her head slowly found comfort on Olivia's shoulder. "It's ok honey. It's ok" Olivia repeated, while worriedly looking at Fin through the rear-view mirror.


	25. Chapter 25

_I thank you for your review. It means a lot when you let me know what you think. I'm so glad you read the story and appreciate it. hey, hey, It'll be sad for me too when I'll end it... but we can't let Amanda suffer forever can we? _

_xxx bless you all xxx_

_ps: thanks to all the **guest** reviews. you guys are incredible. _

* * *

"Wake up Manda. We're there" Olivia announced.

When Amanda noticed they were back at Fin's place, she refused to move from the car. Olivia tried hard to convince her but nothing worked. "Don't touch me" she begged every time Olivia tried to grab her. Fin didn't stay there. He recognized he was losing his temper and simply got home, trusting Olivia to reason with the blonde. Olivia usually so patient didn't know if she would wait in the car forever. The blonde was shaking, she needed to warm up and now wasn't the time to act stubbornly. She stayed quiet though until the southern girl decided to cooperate.

"I'm gonna pick my stuff, will you take me to my place?" Amanda asked calmly but resolutely

Olivia could have tried to explain that Amanda was acting wrong. But it would have been useless. "I don't think it's a good idea honey. But I will, yeah, if that's what you want"

"It's for the best" the blonde nodded opening the car door.

Olivia's heart was aching to notice how suddenly the blonde refused any kind of help. They were back to the beginning. She couldn't stop herself to ask if she did anything wrong. But most of all, she was worried for the blonde's health. How would she take care of herself if she didn't seem to even notice how cold her skin was. How would she stay alone if she didn't eat, sleep or even bother to wear a jacket during an icy night? How was she supposed to manage with her regular panic attack? Olivia followed the blonde inside, sadness filling her eyes.

* * *

Amanda opened the door looking down and directly heading towards her room.

"Amanda wants to go back home" Olivia answered to Fin's questioning look.

"No way" Fin rigidly said. She never heard him speaking so dryly. Amanda started but didn't face him as she left the room.

Fin was about to follow her but Olivia stopped him from doing so. "She doesn't know what she's doing, let me.."

"No. It's between her and me." Fin insisted.

"Fin, you're right but she's exhausted. Now is not the time to.." Olivia was afraid Fin would frighten her. If she closed totally, they wouldn't manage to reason her.

"She's not deaf right?" If they never talked about what was wrong, they would never fix anything. Fin was right and Olivia knew it, Fin couldn't wait. He had to talk with her without delay.

"All right" Olivia nodded letting him go.

"I've got this" he added sure of himself.

* * *

Amanda opened her travel bag and began collecting her stuff. Her stomach was aching like the first day. She didn't know where she was finding the strength to stand on her feet. At least, she didn't feel cold anymore. She felt angry, so angry.. Not with Fin, not with Olivia.. but with herself. Once again, she screwed up. She was sure sooner or later she'd messed up this new chance to begin a new life. A life with people who truly care about her, people she did love. Trying her best not to think about what she was leaving behind, she kept tidying up her belongings in the black bag.

"Amanda we need to talk" Fin established as soon as he entered the room.

"I've got nothing to say" She answered, coldly.

"Too bad, because I do. Stop for a second!" He grabbed her arm a little too tight and she pushed him back with all her strength.

"Sit down" He asked, much more calmly

Amanda did as told, still not looking at him.

"It's the second time you try to leave while you're in my company. Just tell me what's your problem with me?" He asked frankly

Amanda met his sincere look. "None" she truthfully answered.

"So what's your problem overall then?" Fin wouldn't let her until he had cleared the situation.

Amanda lowed her head and her voice "My problem is.." She couldn't say it.

"Your problem is you" so Fin did the job for her.

"Your problem is that once you make a mistake you can't stop yourself from spiralling down" He stated, not judging her.

"That's right. So let's just stop this" If Amanda will never be able to accept any help, if she was only good to screw up than the sooner she disappeared from Fin and Liv's life, the better they'll feel, she thought.

"Amanda you shouldn't have run away they way you did. Olivia was worried sick, and so was I. You have a problem, you come and we talk."

Amanda got up to go on what she was doing previously but Fin grabbed her bag and put it on the ground. "And if you think you're leaving now, you're still wrong. You and your hard-headed need to rest"

"M'sorry Fin but"

"Yeah, I know you're sorry. We're good" Fin decided to show her how normal people just stop a discussion" He took her hand and shook it without her consent. Amanda didn't understand what he was doing. She wasn't apologising, she was explaining that she just had to leave. But.. was it over? Fin was acting like nothing happened, like he wasn't mad and like he still care for her.

"Wait what? That's all. You're not mad? I.. I.." She just acted like a total selfish bitch.

"Yeah, I'm mad you still haven't changed clothes and you ain't resting" Fin joked. "Manda we got you and you better write it down somewhere as you seem to forget it too often"

Amanda smiled as a way to thank him but Fin was aware she was far from being ok though. "Get some sleep now, will you?"

* * *

Amanda was finally in bed when Olivia brought her a cup of tea.

"Here.. to help you relax" Olivia informed although it was more for the blonde to warm up a little and also a pretext to check on her.

"Thanks Liv" Amanda answered, not turning to face her.

"Of course" The southern girl didn't want to be taken care of, that's why Olivia answered this way although there wasn't an ounce of reproach in her voice.

"You wanna me to stay in the room for tonight?" Olivia proposed even though she already knew the blonde would refuse the offer.

"I'll be fine" Amanda assured. And even though she wouldn't be, it was her own fault she rushed away in the cold, she'd face the consequence without preventing Olivia to sleep.

* * *

Olivia settled on the couch. She was sad. Amanda needed her and there was absolutely nothing she could do if the blonde didn't accept her help. She closed her eyes eventually but couldn't find any comfortable position. She couldn't sleep.

Olivia didn't know how much time passed. She heard footsteps and opened her eyes to find a stumbling silhouette heading towards the bathroom. She turned on the light and quickly got up to meet her as the bathroom door was wide open "Amanda" Olivia announced her presence.

The blonde hid her eyes to avoid the light and kept on looking for the fever reducer as she didn't feel good. Her bones hurt, her head was pounding and most of all she felt like she was freezing from the inside.

"Manda go back to bed you're shivering" Olivia worriedly said.

"It's ok" She painfully answered still looking in the medicine chest. With her shaking hands she made the medicine fall on the floor and sighed in defeat as she bent to pick them. Of course the movement made her stomach hurt. Olivia intervened, slowly helping the stubborn girl up.

"Liv I" Amanda wanted to tell her that she'd deal with it alone.

"Shh…" Olivia interrupted. "Let's go back in bed"

The blonde felt too weak to push her

"Here" Olivia reassured her as she helped her to sit on the bed. She placed her hand on the blonde's forehead.

"Wait for me here" Olivia repeated as she gently stroke her burning cheek.

In no time Olivia was back with the fever reducer and a thermometer. She helped the blonde to take the medicine and to lie down. She carefully pulled the thermometer on Amanda's ear: 102.7F, Olivia sighed.

"Go back to sleep Liv" Amanda mumbled

Olivia didn't want to argue. She simply stretched out next to the blonde. "I wasn't asleep" Olivia assured. "Stop talking now" She instructed with concern.

"I.." Amanda attempted again but Olivia didn't let her.

"Don't you try" Olivia insisted, gently stroking Amanda's shoulder.

"'m' cold" she finally mumbled.

"I know sweetheart… I know" Olivia wished she could just take away Amanda's pain, but there was one thing she could do for her. Allowing her to take all the time she needed to trust her, giving her the attention she deserved and the chance to rebuild herself.

"Maybe one day you'll understand this life's not that bad, after all" she whispered to the sleeping blonde.


	26. Chapter 26

_Your last reviews inspired me. :) _

_ Some of you asked for a chapter where Liv takes care of a sick Amanda so here it is! _

_I really enjoy when you guys have some ideas so don't hesitate to let me know what you think. I know it's still far from being a perfect story haha (and I don't even want it to be) but you are right on something: I really put my heart - good or bad- in it, and I am happy you noticed it, thank you for all your lovely comments. _

_xxx Bless you all xxx_

* * *

The blonde had been peacefully asleep for a few hours. But now Olivia was alerted by her sudden shortness of breath. The brunette first looked at the time: 6.14 AM, and then turned around to check on the febrile woman. It only took a few seconds to notice that the blonde's temperature was increasing again. Olivia cringed as she slowly took off the blanket from Amanda's upper body. The blonde instinctively grabbed it back but Olivia prevented her to do so.

"ssh, try to stay still" Olivia whispered while stroking Amanda's messy hair. Olivia couldn't give her another fever reducer on her empty stomach. She went to take a fruit juice on the fridge. Vitamins would help her to regain strength but she couldn't let the situation get worse.

The worried woman placed an arm behind Amanda's shoulder to lift her up. "Come on, let's drink this" she encouraged.

The lack of Amanda's protest illustrated how terrible she was feeling.

"Fin" Olivia called as soon as she heard him walking through the apartment. Fin knocked and entered in Amanda's room.

"I'm taking her to the hospital, she needs to see a doctor" Olivia informed.

Fin absolutely agreed while the blonde rebelliously opened her eyes "no please no" she pleaded. "I'm fine" she even dared to add.

"She's got a doctor detector" Fin wasn't even surprised to notice how the simple word "hospital" caused such a confused reaction.

"Please don't do that, please" the lethargic woman managed to repeat.

Olivia and Fin exchanged a glance while they silently evaluated her request.

"All right" Olivia finally agreed. "But on one condition: you're doing everything I say" Olivia didn't mean to sound bossy, but she already imagined how it would end as soon as Amanda would have the strength to get up.

"If you don't collaborate we won't let you a choice" Knowing how stubborn Amanda was, Fin supported Olivia.

"Please stop shouting, I'll do anything you want" Amanda grumbled placing her hands on her temples. Fin wasn't yelling but fever lessened the girl's tolerance to noise.

* * *

Olivia placed a wet towel on the shivering woman. "I'm gonna get you something to eat." She gently informed.

Amanda smirked, opening her eyes. "don't.."

Olivia cut her directly "Honey, I can't give you any medicine if you don't eat something first" The blonde couldn't focus so she simply closed her eyes again.

"Can I trust you to stay in bed?" Olivia doubted she'd even have the energy to move but with Amanda she could never be sure. The blonde nodded weakly but this was enough to reassure her. "I'll be right back"

* * *

After a few sip of her soup, Amanda handed the bowl back to Olivia, shaking her head. It was hard enough to aim her mouth with her shaking hands and her heavy head didn't help.

Olivia refused to take back the bowl. "You gonna do better than that missy!" Olivia really felt bad for pressuring her but four spoonful couldn't be called a meal. "Come on Manda, give it another try"

The blonde sighed but Olivia didn't seem ready to let go so she forced herself until she coughed with disgust. At that point, Olivia quickly took a hold on the bowl before the woman had the chance to spill the content.

"It's ok" she reassured, knowing that the blonde was afraid to get sick. "It's ok sweety"

After Amanda had calmed down, Olivia gave her a fever reducer. "Here, now you're gonna get some more rest and you'll feel much better after, trust me" Olivia's supportive smile reassured Amanda who turned on her side and let tiredness win.

* * *

Olivia was glad she managed to feed the blonde but she was aware it wouldn't be that easy to persuade her to stay still when she'd regain liveliness. In fact, when the blonde woke up again she rapidly left the bed.

"What are you doing here?" asked Olivia when the blonde showed up in the living room where she was working.

"I'm feeling better" Amanda proclaimed. Olivia took a good look at her daily patient.

"I'm glad to know" Olivia smiled. "But you're still going to rest, you know that, right"

Amanda shook her head "Come on Liv, I'm fine" she swore. "I need a shower"

"Come here" Olivia instructed while she grabbed the thermometer.

"No need to" Amanda already began to protest

"You know the rules, right. No hospital but you let me take care of it" There was no way she'd let the blonde neglect her health. "It doesn't bite" She added, giving the thermometer to the already nervous blonde.

According to the awkward look Amanda gave to the torturing instrument, she never used an ear thermometer before. Olivia couldn't help herself to laugh.

"Gimme that" she said with humour.

"Don't make fun of me" Amanda moaned while Olivia measured her temperature. "100.1. You still have a fever" Olivia warned. "And you feeling better could just be the effect of the medicine you took earlier."

Amanda sighed. "Liv really, there's no.."

Olivia shook her head "I don't wanna hear any of that" Olivia interrupted once again. "You can have a shower, then we'll eat something"

"What, again?!" Amanda couldn't believe it.

"Honey, human's don't eat once a week" Olivia informed, hoping the irony would help to accept the idea but Amanda didn't hide her annoyed expression. "I do care 'bout you, just keep that in mind" Olivia felt the need to add.

* * *

"Now what?" Amanda said with insolence, still angry for the fact she had to feed herself again.

"I changed your sheet while you were showering, so you'll probably feel more comfortable in the bed" Olivia knew how unpleasant it was to feel sticky and sweaty. "But you can do whatever you like as long as you relax"

Amanda stared the brunette for a while. She really didn't deserve all that attention. She swallowed hard as the guiltiness dried her mouth. "Thank you" she said with a mixture of embarrassment and gratefulness. She couldn't upset Liv now after everything she's been doing so she went back to bed but didn't lie down again.

"I'm sorry if somehow you felt like I was patronizing you" Olivia announced, following the woman in the room.

This time it was Amanda's turn to cut her. "It's not that Liv", she said as she massaged her temples.

"Oh I see, you miss your headache and try to give yourself a new one with spurious thoughts." Olivia declared. "I like doing that too… it's a nice hobby isn't it?"

Amanda nodded as Olivia sat in front of her. "Well, we could try and play a new game, it's called: let me help".

"I think I like the old one better" Amanda answered in self-derision.

"Olivia do you think I'm crazy?" Amanda finally poured out crudely but without facing her.

Olivia squeezed the blonde's hand "Honey, why in the world would I think you're crazy?" Olivia took a few seconds to consider the question from Amanda's point of view. According to what she's been through when she was younger with her family and adding the damage Kim probably did she understood the question better. "Manda, needing help is nothing but normal. There's nothing wrong with that" Olivia assured. "But before being able to tolerate any kind of help you have to accept something bad happened"

"I cope better when I try not to think about it" Amanda explained, fiddling with her fingers.

Lying wouldn't be helpful "No you don't" Olivia said briefly to catch Amanda's attention. "Manda look at me" the brunette gently asked. "Hiding isn't a way to cope. This is not who you are"

It was hard to read Amanda's face. She clenched her teeth and her fingers but it wasn't anger that Olivia guessed in her eyes. It wasn't sadness either. The brunette couldn't only contemplate how deeply she was hurt, she could feel it herself, in her own heart. Attentively, she placed her hands on Amanda's arm.

"I…" Amanda half-opened her mouth but it was so hard to admit how she felt. Olivia wasn't in a hurry though. She stroked Amanda's arm, allowing the emotion, whatever it was, to progress until the blonde would be ready to let it out loud.

"I hate myself" Amanda finally admitted in a broken mutter.

Of course she was wrong, she was so wrong to judge herself so severely. It was painful to even hear it, but at least it was out. Now all they'd have to do was work on it. Olivia encircled the broken woman in a hug.

"I can't let that happen", Olivia whispered, feeling the tears decreasing her own cheeks, "I can't let that happen anymore".


	27. Chapter 27

_Short chapter but I felt like writing._

_Answer to a guest._

_First of all, I'm happy to know that my English is improving. You have no idea how much I'm in love with this language. When I speak about good or bad… hmm you're really good to read people you know? (Your comment made me think about another reviewer though.) And you're right. I've been through a lot (doesn't matter what) and the worst part of if surely was the betrayal of my "Fin and Liv". It hurt until I decided I could be my own Liv. What surely changed between the first chapter and the recent ones was the connection between my heart and my brain. Haha. It's not that easy to let the emotion touch you.. but I am not sad to admit it. Because what I'd like to say is… I'm glad Amanda's having the attention she deserved but.. for some of you that didn't have this chance… well… don't lose hope. There's always a way. (And also, I don't mind talking in PM)  
_

_To the other reviewers._

_Thank you all so much for your sweet messages. You absolutely made my day (and night!) and Yes, Bryan may appear in a chapter if you want, I'm not sure how yet). :)  
_

_xxxBlessxxx_

* * *

"Benson" Olivia answered as she picked up the phone. "Whaaat?!" Even though she was trained to give sympathy as much as to hide any kind of emotion, this time it was hard not to show her displeasure.

Amanda detected indignation in the brunette's voice. She kept staring the woman usually so collected, at least around her.

"Actually it's not a good time" Olivia responded to her interlocutor. The brunette noticed Amanda's inquisitive eyes on her and left the room to finish the conversation. Just before decamping, she gave the southern woman a reassuring nod but it didn't secure her, just the opposite.

"Liv what was that?" Amanda questioned as soon as she had the opportunity. Olivia composedly came back in the room. The serene smile she exhibited was almost scary. "Nothing you should worry about"

"Oh come on!" Amanda firstly showed she wasn't so credulous, but she stopped herself before trespassing. "Ok" she simply added, ignoring her intense desire to know what was happening.

"I'm gonna make us some tea, unless you want to get some sleep?" Olivia changed the subject.

"I've been sleeping all day" Amanda answered casually, still trying to read through Olivia's eyes.

* * *

Olivia was really pensive. It took her almost half an hour to prepare the hot beverage. In the meantime, Amanda kept wondering about the phone call the brunette received. Even though she was strong-willed not to ask, she couldn't dominate her bad impression. At first, she was persuaded it was about her case, but now her brain envisaged plenty of other possible scenarios.

"Amanda I think it's cold now" Olivia gently declared. The blonde had been monotonously stirring her tea for almost two minutes.

"Right" she answered, giving Liv a fake smile but her culpability was hard to bear. "Liv, if.. Well I don't know how to say it but.. you've been here for five days now.. if you" Amanda took a breath, trying not to think about how clumsy she must sound "If something happened, I mean in your personal life.. with Bryan or whatever, you don't have to stay here" Amanda eventually managed to finish her sentence.

Olivia couldn't believe the young woman was worrying for her. If it was true that the phone call really upset her, she was perfectly able to handle it. She opted for not revealing the message to Amanda because the news would ruin every chance the blonde had to forgive herself. If she could manage to resolve the problem than there was no need to cause her friend such a deep trauma.

"Honey, I'm fine" Olivia assured, giving a truthful smile. "Bryan's fine, he.., we're fine!" She was repetitive but Amanda looked like she seriously needed to make sure nothing bad happened because of her.

The sigh of relief that escaped from Amanda's mouth encouraged Olivia to go on. "And let me tell you one thing, if he's not able to understand I'm needed here, I don't think our story would be meant to be"

The confidence somehow affected Amanda, not only because it proved once again how dedicated Olivia was but she was mostly grateful for the feeling of trust the brunette showed. In fact, Olivia rarely spoke about her personal life, even less about her love life.

"He seems like a good guy" Amanda added, glad for once they weren't talking about her miserable life.

"He is" Olivia assured. "Although sometimes.. I wonder… but it must be me… trusting people isn't exactly my strength neither" Olivia cynically joked. "I know you're probably gonna tell me to practise what I preach"

"I wasn't going to say that" Amanda guaranteed a little too quickly. "Never mind" She stopped herself before crossing a line aware that it wasn't her place to comment but Olivia was curious to know.

"Go on" the brunette asked playfully.

As she was invited to, the blonde thought about a nice way to formulate what she had in mind. She wasn't sure when a new occasion would appear. "You don't pretend it's easy to trust. I like that. Most people just don't know what they're talking about.. I never believed in fairy tale.. you.. you're real" Amanda's enthusiasm was easy to notice. She never hid her admiration for the elder detective and especially the empathy she owned.

"Well, this was perspicacious" The brunette confirmed, flattered by the compliments. Swallowing the last drop of tea, she was satisfied about this soothing this little chitchat. "Anyway, let's just clear something. You focus on getting better, I focus on whatever there is to deal with, all right?"

Amanda nodded even though a wave of panic submerged her. Now that Liv would tell her to rest, shame and remorse would destroy her strong-mindedness. Her narrowing throat blocked the airway while anxiety promptly took control of her.

"Hey… honey" Olivia didn't miss to feel the blonde's distress and of course to act in consequence, genuinely grabbing her hands. "It's ok.. take a deep breath, don't let anguish win. You.. we are stronger than that. Right? Think about the appropriate advice you just gave me." Olivia encouraged.

Amanda didn't remember doing such a thing. "Have I?" She questioned.

"Of course! You just remembered me that being authentic is more important than being ideal."

Amanda calmed down already. Emptiness was her enemy but every time Olivia spoke she chased the pain away.

"You have the same exact power as I have, we share an identical will to fight and help people around us" Olivia said in all sincerity, hoping it would help. "You momently forgot where you hide your strength. It's not a big deal"

Amanda wasn't ready to believe her yet but at least she felt peaceful enough to get some sleep now.

"Come on, lie down, I promise I won't move from here" Olivia's instinct was to place her hand on Amanda's forehead. The blonde didn't seem too hot but according to Liv, her temperature was still a little high.

* * *

When the blonde eventually dropped off, Olivia allowed her concern about the earliest call to resurface. Lieutenant Murphy announced that Luciano Correia, Amanda's attacker, somehow persuaded her sister to press charges against Amanda for conspiracy to rape. The Brazilian woman claimed Amanda had been in her home before she was raped and that the gambling club in which Amanda was undercover sent her to prepare the assault. Lieutenant Murphy assured that with his recordings he could prove Amanda's innocence and Olivia believed him.

She wasn't worried about this nonsense accusation but about how badly it would destroy the blonde.

Focusing on rebuilding herself, learning trust and fighting against her own feeling of guilt was hard enough, she didn't need any more weigh on her shoulders. The unfairness of this case infuriated Olivia but she would use her anger as an asset. It could only increase her desire to help and protect the blonde. Nothing would ever stop her to fight for honourable causes.


	28. Chapter 28

**I thank you all.**

You are inspiring, encouraging, and most of all awesome. Nothing else to add.

_ps. do you have any idea how some of you touch my deeply? donthinkso._

xxxblessxxx

* * *

Olivia hesitated a few seconds before knocking at the door. Even though Fin advised her not to take such a risk, she had to try something. Being accused of witness tampering was the last thing she needed, but she trusted her guts. The determined woman meticulously replaced a strand of hair behind her ear before ringing the bell.

As soon as she noticed the Brazilian woman frightened expression, Olivia knew she'd been right to come in person.

The woman, hidden behind the half-opened door, didn't facilitate the situation though. "I'm not supposed to be talking to you" She cautiously answered.

"Patricia, wait, I.. Vengeance is not your idea, I know that" Olivia quickly affirmed, as a demonstration of her good intentions. If the woman understood she wasn't here to preach, maybe she'd have a chance to go through her.

"You know nothing about me" Patricia answered defensively, attempting to close the door but Olivia didn't let her. "What I know is, that every woman who survived a sexual assault doesn't wish it to anybody else, not even to her worse enemy." Olivia's sincerity somehow touched the woman who entered in the hall allowing the brunette to follow her.

"Listen, you deserve justice, and I assure you that all the people involved in your assault had been arrested. It doesn't erase what happened, but you'll have a chance to move on. The woman detective that your brother attacked can't say the same thing, two of her attackers are still outside."

"I know nothing about that" The way Patricia grabbed her own arms protectively let guess she didn't feel comfortable.

"This is not your fault, I know that. It's the last thing you wanted. So don't let anyone convince you of the opposite right now. Let me tell you one thing, if you accuse Detective Rollins of conspiracy of rape, you're gonna destroy not only her chance to heal, but you'll go against everything she believes in. She'll never be able to work again, to help other woman like you. I know you don't want that." Olivia tried her best not to sound too oppressive and from the understanding look she received, she had the feeling she may have made a difference "This man's world is sadistic enough, let's help each other"

* * *

"Amanda, eat!" Fin sermonized.

"Fin, do you think it's time for me to go home?" Amanda asked as if she didn't hear his own plea.

"Why, cuz you had a good night sleep? Yeah, as a detective you know well yourself that all problems disappear with some rest, right?" Fin finished his eggs but stayed seated in front of the blonde, wishing she'd just have one more bite of her dish.

"It's not that. I'm.. here" Amanda was scattering her food all around her plate, hoping it would be unnoticed.

"And I'm here. You know what else is here? The eggs I nicely cooked for ya" Fin indicated Amanda's plate with his finger.

"You call that cooking?" Amanda jokingly complained, finding the thousandth excuse to give up feeding herself.

"If you're fit enough to make fun of me, I trust you to finish this eggs before Liv comes back and kick my ass"

"But do you.."

"Manda you're free to do what you feel like. You can either stay or not leave. It's up to you." The contrast between Fin's serious expression and the nonsense he just exclaimed was so typical of his sense of humour. Amanda missed Fin's stupid play on words style. But it was his way to say she still was welcomed at his place, she thought. "Fair enough" Amanda smiled with amusement and ingurgitated one more mouthful.

"Tutuola" Fin casually answered without looking who the interlocutor was. "Yeah, I'll be right there" He neutrally added, grabbing his jacket. "Amanda, I'm leaving, Liv is on her way back here, is that okay?"

"I'm fine" she assured. For the first time, Fin could hear she sounded sincere.

* * *

The call he received was from Olivia who asked him to meet her downstairs. It wasn't their style to hide but this time, they were only thinking about Amanda's interest.

"Anything new?" the brunette asked.

"Liv, IAB will interrogate her, even if Patricia doesn't press charges" They needed to make sure Rollins effectively didn't know about the rape, and unfortunately, IAB weren't fully pleased with Lieutenant Murphy's registration only, now that they heard about Amanda's assault.

"No way!" Olivia whispered so angrily that Fin lift his head to make sure Amanda wasn't coming. "When?"

"I'll to talk to Lieutenant Murphy. I'll let you know"

"She can't deal with this, not now!" Olivia exclaimed mainly to herself.

* * *

Olivia was ready to do her best and she'd have no other choice than to drag the facts out of Amanda. She sighed, already aware that the more she'd push her, the most she'd risk to lose the little trust she painfully won. The brunette didn't know if she was pleased or the opposite to see Amanda doing the washing-up.

"Hey, glad too see you're feeling better" She encouraged as she was back home.

"I am" Amanda was satisfied to say. "I feel… good" Amanda added almost truthfully. The blonde turned around to dry her hands. "Liv, I.. well, thank you for yesterday" Amanda's smile reached her eyes, it was a true and meaningful one.

"You don't have to thank me" Olivia humbly shook her head. She didn't know how she would manage to bring up an unpleasant conversation just now. "Manda, there's something I'd like to discuss with you" Suspicious blue eyes were already alerted by Olivia's crucial tone.

"What about?" Amanda was reluctant to seat, preferring keeping her distance. Today she felt veritably better, she hadn't slept so well for a week, even for months if she had to be truthful with herself and she merited a little peace of mind. There was a lot she'd need to face, but she'll have the time to do it step by step, wasn't it what Liv promised her?

Olivia gave the example, tranquilly taking place on Fin's sofa. She patted the empty spot next to her, inviting the blonde to join her.

"Liv, what's wrong?" Amanda asked while her eyes pleaded Olivia to spare her from an effortful conversation

It was impossible for Olivia not to catch the blonde's rigidity. In other circumstances she would have waited for Amanda to be ready, but knowing that she'd be interrogated and submitted to a significant sum of stress soon, the brunette had to insist. If she wanted to give her the best chance to defend herself, she had to work on Amanda's sense of guilt.

"There's something I'd like to talk about. Something you mentioned yesterday." Olivia gradually began. "Remember, you told me.. that .. you hated yourself" Olivia attempted to sound cordial and but as she predicted, Amanda closed herself. She got up and looked around, hoping to find something to get herself busy with. It was the first time she felt like humiliated.

"Liv.. I'd rather not to talk about that" Amanda's intentional cold answer was a warning. Olivia couldn't cross a line, she wouldn't make the blonde feel ashamed of what she dared to divulge her. Amanda was absolutely sure that Olivia would stop pressuring her, the Olivia she knew and admired wouldn't pressure her, not now, not today.

Understanding was the only emotion Olivia felt right now as she herself would never tolerate to open herself under constraint. Moreover, she was aware of the incoherence between what she promised to the blonde and what she was asking her about now. But she must try again. "Honey, we need to.."

"Don't call me that!" Amanda cut her, she couldn't believe the brunette hadn't given up yet.

"Ok. Ok!" Olivia stopped as it was painful for her as well to torture the blonde. She could always attempt in another way. "It's just hard for me to let you deal with all this guilt you have" Actually, what Olivia was saying was nothing but the truth but she'd never insist to talk about it now if she could do in another way.

This time, Amanda couldn't contain herself anymore. Bitterly she would make the message clear for the brunette. "Olivia I'm sorry I said that! I don't mean it! I'm as strong as you and I can deal with everything by myself. Happy?" This pack of lies was the only words she could find to defend herself. She felt like the brunette accused her of something, the way she exposed her weakness first brought up the fury. This ire though would soon be followed by a sob she muffled.

"I'm a big girl and I.." Another suffocated sob Amanda retained, while Olivia gently tried, as usual, to find a way to comfort her. "Manda, I didn't mean to" Olivia pointlessly attempted to place her hand on the blonde's shoulders but Amanda retreated.

"Just leave me alone" The blonde backed up furiously, erasing the few tears on her cheeks with no sweetness. She almost ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

She stood there, in front of the bathroom mirror, ashamed of who she was, desperately aching when she dreamt of who she'd never be.


	29. Chapter 29

_Hey! Here you are another chapter. If I post too fastly just tell me, I can slow down :) _

_As always, I enjoy your reviews and PM. I'm so grateful that you take the time to read this story. _

_LUV suv, I like how deeply you understand what I mean behind the words. _

_love to all of you. _

_xxxblessxxx_

* * *

"When I observe my aspect, I understand why everyone see strength in me. That's what I chose to reflect" Olivia appeared on the bathroom mirror, next to Amanda. Aware that Amanda's heart was far too kind to push the brunette if she was revealing something about her, Olivia proceeded. "But when I meet my eyes, I see the damages." It wasn't hard to guess she wasn't inventing but on the opposite, she was trying to earn Amanda's trust by staying real. She might sound awkward, but it wasn't sadness, simply a lack of practise. Indeed, Olivia never experienced talking about something so personal except with her therapist.

"If you're trying to say you're as screwed up as I am, I'm afraid I won't be much help" Even though she was still in front of the mirror, the blonde wasn't facing herself anymore. Her eyes were pasted on her lap while despair still killed the best of her.

"That's not what I meant" Olivia explained offering a light smile. "Just like anyone else, I've got pain and regrets, hope and fears. I don't have to yell it loud but to live with serenity, I have found the right balance between what I feel inside and what I show."

"How?" Amanda finally managed to ask, giving Liv a quick glance through the glass.

With all the maternal love she felt for the blonde, Olivia placed her hands on her arms.. "By getting rid of the superfluous" It seemed so evident and easy for Olivia meanwhile it didn't even made sense for Amanda. Her confused expression soon found an explanation. "I have the right to feel sad, I don't need to feel guilty because I'm sad, it's unnecessary. I have the right to need help, I don't need to feel guilty about it. The same goes for positive stuff. I'm allowed to be happy without thinking I shouldn't feel this way." Olivia added, hoping these examples helped a little. "But first step, is facing who you truly are" Olivia declared more seriously.

"What do you mean?" Amanda asked

"Destroy the lies. You can't build yourself upon an amount of lies" Actually, that's what Amanda has been doing her whole existence. Thinking about how hard her life has been would consume the courage to move on, that's why she preferred keeping everything inside. There wouldn't be much left if she exterminated the lies.

"Here, have a look" Olivia encouraged, while Amanda firmly shook her head. Olivia noticed Amanda never contemplated her own eyes, even when she was in front of the mirror, and that's exactly what she'd help her to do now: encounter herself. "I don't want to" Amanda pleaded.

Olivia was now standing behind her and with her palm she traced light circles on her upper back. "Trust me" The brunette whispered in reassurance, as if Amanda was about to meet a monster. "It's ok" Olivia's low voice murmured one last time before the terrorised woman lift her head.

Anger. Amanda took a bitter breath and quickly reclosed her eyes.

Humiliation. She never thought one day she'd feel so defenceless. Blinking a few times, she hoped it'd soon erase the feeling.

Remorse. Amanda finally stared inside her own eyes, as if she met her soul. A disappointment sigh finally escaped her throat.

Sorrow. The watery eyes finally gave up.

Olivia's presence had almost been forgotten but now it was time to take one more step forward. "Repeat after me", she slowly asked to the sad woman. "I've been assaulted and it wasn't my fault" Despite Olivia's support, the blonde kept shaking her head, holding her breath to avoid a complete break-down. Olivia lightly dried Amanda's red cheeks. It took her a few seconds to take a new breath. "I… I…. I can't do that" Amanda admitted between two sobs.

"Yes, you can" Olivia affirmed with confidence. "Just be true with yourself"

It may be a ridiculous exercise but the simple fact of telling the things as they were would help her letting go some of her guilt. She needed to simply accept she wasn't responsible for what happened.

"I've.. been.. assaulted" Amanda finally enunciated so slowly, as if the words physically hurt her, but she couldn't manage to end the sentence as she crawled on her knees, like crushed with sadness.

Olivia naturally knelt at the same time, warmly enveloping the crying woman. "And it wasn't your fault" She added for her. "And it wasn't your fault Amanda, shh.. it wasn't your fault" she smoothed until the blonde calmed down.

* * *

It took a while for Amanda to regain control. She took a shower, hoping it would help her relaxing but she couldn't stop thinking about why Olivia was suddenly pressuring her. Even though she knew the brunette was right, something was bothering her as if she wasn't allowed to control the path of the event anymore.

In a perfect timing, Olivia was wondering if she shouldn't be honest about IAB's intention to interrogate the blonde. Amanda wouldn't tolerate to be constantly pressured by the only person she began to trust without an explanation.

Noticing how the blonde avoided contact since she left the bathroom, she decided to solve the misunderstanding. "May I come in?" Olivia didn't miss to ask, detecting the closed door.

"Do what you want" Amanda wasn't even able to give a valid reason for her detachment.

"I owe you an apology" Olivia announced before even approaching the younger woman.

"You don't owe me anything" Amanda assured fiddling with her fingers.

"Hey, we could go for a little walk?" Olivia hoped maybe the two of them could enjoy some fresh air.

"I'd rather not to, I still feel a little feverish" Olivia translated this justification as a polite way to ask for some privacy.

"The reason why I pushed you so hard earlier, was.."

Amanda finally faced the brunette, something relevant was about to be revealed. "You can tell me" Amanda finally filled Liv's blank, realising the brunette's carefulness.

"You'll be interviewed by IAB, about the woman's rape" Olivia announced while Amanda's eyes turned off.

"It's gonna be fine" Olivia assured as soon as she noticed the blonde's discouragement.

"It's not" Amanda pointed out, exhausted of this endless battle. "It's not" she whispered once again, grabbing her hair. "When?"

"Two days" In her eyes you could read that a whole life wouldn't be enough to show her how brave she was but Olivia wouldn't withdraw, Amanda was worth it.


	30. Chapter 30

_When I read your reviews, I almost regret I don't have actual friends to share my story with. But it doesn't really matter, you're amazing enough... _

_** You deeply warm my heart and that's why I can't wait to find the time to write for you. **_

_LUV suv, do you read my mind or what?! :) OMG I never met someone who understand what I mean so truthfully it's almost scary haha. _

_xxxblessxxx_

* * *

"What am I gonna do?" Olivia hoped they would have figured it out together but the crashing question was rhetorical since Amanda got dressed in less then a minute, totally ignoring the brunette's presence.

Olivia stepped around the blonde, hoping to catch her attention or at least to make her slow down. "Hey, hey, were are you going?"

"Fran' come!" Amanda's voice naturally softened when she referred to her beloved dog.

"Just give me an hour" Amanda explained, allowing the worried woman to dive inside her blue eyes. It was the best way to expose her actual state of mind. What Amanda needed right now was fresh air and most of all, solitude.

Despite her concern, Olivia couldn't deprive the blonde of her living space and most of all she understood this sudden need of regaining control. It meant Amanda didn't admit defeat even though she had yet no idea how she'd manage to survive.

"Take your phone with you" Olivia nodded, replacing the worry with a soft comprehensive smile.

* * *

She didn't care about the people in the street, Amanda walked for about 20 minutes on autopilot until she reached a quiet place. She leant her back on a huge frozen tree. The introspection Olivia undertook with her would be beneficial in the long term, but for now it only brought disorientation.

Amanda took a long shaky breath. Had she been wrong her whole life? Kneeling in front of Frannie, she couldn't stand the weight of her own mistakes on her shoulders anymore. "What will mummy do?" She brokenly questioned the loyal friend, who turned her head on the left in a compassionate way. People could laugh at her if they wanted to, but there were times she felt like only her dog really understood who she truly was.

Amanda slowly righted herself. Her apparent calmness was suddenly interrupted by a brutal punch against the tree. As absurd as it was, she felt ready to fight now. If she focused on her aching hand, she was able to forget her mutilated heart. "All right" she whispered.

* * *

Olivia was alleviated to hear the slamming door, announcing Amanda's return.

"Pasta is almost ready" the brunette declared although she was already expecting Amanda's justification for avoiding lunch time.

"Good" Amanda answered neutrally.

"I'm starving" Olivia admitted and there was no wonder why since it was already 2PM. Amanda avoided the small talk turning on the television.

"We've got an appointment with Barba at five, he'll help us to get ready for IAB's interrogation.

Olivia meticulously scrutinised Amanda's face in search for whatever emotion she could detect but the poker face let her sceptical. Should she play the blonde's game? The brunette ate in silence trying to figure out how to react until the blonde verbally attacked her. "I didn't ask for Barba".

"Well, Fin called him and I think it'll be for the best if we can discuss the situation. You know how vicious IAB can get"

It was the reasonable thing to do. Olivia was right, Olivia was always right, the blonde thought. "Ok" Amanda calmly answered, taking a sip of water and placing her plate on the coffee table. She didn't eat much but at least she didn't have to be prayed for it.

Still, Olivia had the feeling it wasn't all right. Amanda wasn't only trying to get ready for IAB, she literally prevent her feelings to appear. "Manda, what happened to your hand?" She finally asked noticing the red swollen skin.

Shaking her head, the impassive woman pulled her sleeve down "Nothing".

"You're not gonna thrive by poisoning your emotions, it's not how it works" Instead of preaching about the bruised hand, Olivia got straight to the point. "You're putting your armour back on" The brunette feared this would happen since resistance was the only way Amanda mastered.

"You want me, to fight without protection?" Amanda asked with disbelief.

As crazy as it sounded, it was exactly what Olivia wished. If she could prove the blonde that her heart was the most powerful weapon she owed, it'll be a short cut on the way to forgiveness. "Yes", she gently whispered.

"I can't do that"

Olivia was aware that Amanda's façade had absolutely no chance to resist IAB. She was well too vulnerable to fool them with passivity. The brunette decided she had no other choice than to break Amanda's masquerade before someone else did. Accusingly, she stared the blonde. "You're heading for a wall, with full knowledge of the facts. Not only you'll not defend yourself, but you'll let IAB lead you to admit you were responsible for this woman's rape." Olivia couldn't believe how rude she was being, but her goal would be reached, the only thing she needed from the stoic woman was a reaction, whatever it was, then she'd be able to help her. "But if it's fine for you, than it works for me! Barba waits for us in less than two hours, be ready for it." Olivia added as coldly as she could.

"Ok" Amanda answered matter-of-factly, heading towards her room.

* * *

Even though Olivia promised herself not to move from the sofa, she had to fight hard to succeed. She kept checking the time nervously, wondering if she didn't push Amanda too hard. When time came, the blonde appeared in the leaving room well dressed, with tidy hair and even a little make up. Since her face was impossible to read, the elder woman wondered if her previous speech had any impact at all. The two women didn't exchange a word.

Amanda was the first one to leave the apartment. Avoiding Liv like the plague, she stood on the staircase. She seemed to manage the situation, even too perfectly, until she heard footsteps forthcoming. An acute pain on her stomach forced her to sit immediately.

"Amanda" Olivia ran the last meter next to the twisted from pain woman. The wheezing that followed indicated that anxiety was probably the cause of Amanda's struggling.

"Honey, breathe" Olivia securely instructed. The woman was grabbing her knees and hiding her face inside them.

"Idon..I.. Id" Amanda's shortness of breath prevented her to talk but still, her message seemed too crucial for her to give up trying. "I.. do.. Id"

Olivia promptly sat next to her and placing her arm on the woman's back, she forced the blonde to lift her head to take some air first. "In and out, just in and out, it's ok"

The blonde used the little breath she just got back to burst into tears. "Oh sweetheart" This obvious call for help reached Olivia's heart.

"I don't wanna go" the sobbing woman pleaded as her life depended on it.

So Olivia was right, Amanda's apparent control would have led her to lose her job. Fortunately, it wouldn't have to happen this way, since today's appointment could be missed. This actual breakdown should be considered as a chance to figure out what Amanda really needed to do.

"We don't have to" Olivia assured, squeezing her hand. Amanda's grimace was soon erased with a hopeful glance.

"We don't have to go if you don't want to" Olivia repeated since it seemed to enlighten the blonde. "We're going back inside, you're going to let me have a look at your hand, and then, well… then, we'll see"

If Amanda was ready to open her heart, it didn't seem to be enough, it's been so long since she locked it, that she didn't know if she could do it right. "Liv… what if… I fight wrong?" Her tormented eyes didn't dare to face the brunette.

The apparent childish question actually hid a deep meaning. Amanda was so afraid of her feelings that she couldn't conceive she may actually win a battle without hiding who she was. "There's no wrong way to fight if you have faith in you" Olivia got up and held out her hand to the trembling woman.


	31. Chapter 31

_Answer to your reviews:_

_Of course the fact you like my story counts for something… Know what? If I had only one reader, but the one reader could find something in this story, anything that gave him strength, than it'd already be a victory. and your support is more than I ever had in my whole life so... what do you think?! **you mean a lot!**  
_

_Luv svu: Hmm.. once again I was thinking about it at the same time you asked me. Weird isn't it?… I do have an idea but I'm not sure it's right to share it for now… and I actually work on a project in my mother languages. It's something totally different…. But still introspective.. I wish I could tell you more about it.. but not here.. I'm sure you already understand that I have good reasons to be secretive.. (And btw: sorry I answer here every time, but you've been really supportive and I really want to thank you about it. just tell me if it bothers you)_

_To the new readers, or the one who took the time to read all they missed: haha, I hoped it wasn't too much. Your ideas and suggestion are welcome._

**I thank you all very much. **

xxxblessxxx

* * *

"I just want to check on you" Fin admitted, entering in Amanda's room. Of course he didn't miss to notice the tears she quickly erased, rubbing her face against the pillow. "Hey you plan to transform my apartment into a swimming pool?" Amanda sneered, hoping it'd be enough to reassure Fin.

Fin's smoothing method was completely different from Olivia's but he deeply care about her partner and he just needed to be sure she didn't forget it. "Really, why are you crying?"

Really? Well, maybe it was for the oppressing day she just had, or about her whole life misery. Perhaps the tears indicated her fear for the future. What will she do tomorrow? And what about in a year from now? The loss of every point of reference in her life was more unbearable than the situation itself.

"I don't know" Amanda truthfully answered. There was one thing she was sure though, she couldn't have one more serious conversation today.

Fin definitely didn't understand woman's logic. Two hours ago, Amanda assured Liv that she was fine and the brunette vaguely pretended to buy it. "Manda do you want me to call Liv back?" He still asked, to be sure.

"No!" The blonde answered firmly. "No.. It's ok, I just.. need… to rest! Let Olivia break away" Olivia deserved some free time, it was unfair to use her as a lifeline.

"Yeah, she damn needed to get away from here" Fin's mocking remark persuaded the blonde she'd been right to ask for some privacy. But of course he didn't miss to add some joke. "She only texted me four times to make sure you're okay, she really needed a blow"

Olivia was nice to care about her even when she wasn't around. "Just tell her I'm asleep" Amanda gave him a fake smile.

"You're making it way too big than it is" Fin tried. If her partner asked for more, he would graciously develop the theory. After all, he had been finalizing it the whole day. He took Amanda's annoyed glance as a hint to go on. "It's not a soul-searching trial. The question is actually pretty simple: were you involved in Patricia's rape or not?"

"No but.." Fin's drastic simplification was indisputable except he didn't regard for Amanda's feelings.

"Don't condemn yourself more than life does" Fin explained with persuasion.

* * *

That night, Amanda couldn't close an eye. Every time she tried to relax, the voice in her head took advantage of the situation, reminding her how pathetic she was. She thought about how accurately Liv had taken care of her swollen hand a few hours ago even though the blonde swore it was fine, how treasured she felt when the brunette was there. For the first time in her life, she understood what being valued meant. Why did it hurt, then? Maybe simply because it couldn't last forever, she needed to collect the pieces now, use the good advice she received and move on.

Move on, but where? Was it worth fighting, if she lost her way? Amanda spent the night struggling for air and chasing the demons in her head. If only she could have one certainty. One thing, whatever it was, to hang on to.

* * *

Olivia didn't rest more than the blonde did. Every now and then she abruptly opened her eyes, convinced she heard Amanda's voice calling her.

Today would be crucial, if Amanda messed up, she may destroy her career. The unfairness of the situation upset her. The younger detective suffered enough, why wasn't she given the time to heal now, just like every other survivor?

* * *

Amanda was ready before Fin even woke up. Her long sleepless night finally brought her to one conclusion: her job was about the only thing she could be proud of in her entire life, and even if she didn't trust herself, for some strange reason, Liv and Fin did, so it would be coward of her not to even try to defend herself. How would she do it? Just like her co-workers tried to convince her: by staying real, saying the truth. She only feared the interrogation would suddenly deflect on her deepest regret: the gambling.

Here they were, in front of IAB's office. Make-up almost perfectly covered the dark shadows under Amanda's eyes and the elegant dark outfit clandestinely hid the woman's deepest terror. Being real? All bullets! Life would always be about how you appear more than how you feel, at least for formal situations.

"Don't forget to breathe" Olivia allowed herself to recommend. Today she has been as invisible as she could, aware that anything would make the blonde doubting. "Would you like me to come up with you?" She kindly asked but if her guess was good, Amanda would refuse the offer.

"You can't come inside with me anyway so it's better not" Amanda justified even though the real reason was Olivia's presence made her feel vulnerable.

"Hey, it's ok, I get it" Olivia assured already noticing the quivering lips. "Manda you're gonna do just fine"

"Yeah, well, I better go now" Amanda was quick to answer, displaying, once again, how denuded she felt.

"I'll be right here waiting for you" Olivia gave her a last tranquilizing smile but avoided to say too much. She watched the blonde moving away from the car without looking back, and finally let out a frustrated sigh. She wished she could do more to appease her friend. Now she could just hope Amanda would not crawl under pressure.

* * *

Even the door's office seemed to judge her. Apprehension was devouring her alive. Amanda was staring her moist trembling hands as if the right answer to save her from herself was written on them. She couldn't run away, not this time. Taking a deep breath, the nervous woman tried to focus on something positive but nothing came. "Detective Rollins" She finally heard. That's right. She was a detective. She was a good detective. She was a wrong, broken, useless woman but she was a detective. She would simply act as if she was on the job, give the facts and be professional. "Detective?" The IAB's lieutenant called again. This didn't begin well. She formally nodded and followed him inside the office.

Olivia hesitated for a few minutes but decided she might as well waiting for Amanda inside. She was freezing in the automobile, not to mention she didn't want the blonde to deal with her anxiety alone more then necessary. Olivia was staring the same door Amanda was looking fixedly a quarter of an hour before that. The brunette didn't have any pain to imagine herself in Amanda's skin: how uncomfortable and stressful she must be feeling. Noticing how her own heartbeat suddenly fastened, she forced herself to stop thinking like the blonde.

* * *

It seemed like an eternity before the door opened again. Amanda's paleness gave Olivia the illusion she was meeting her ghost. The brunette didn't jump to any conclusion though, perfectly aware extreme pressure was probably the cause of Amanda's empty expression. The trembling woman took a few steps in her direction but blurred vision didn't allow her to continue her way, so Olivia closed the distance and securely grabbed her arm.

"Manda are you okay?" She carefully asked, fearing the blonde would give her a bad news anytime.

"Yeah" Amanda's voice was as shaky as her legs so Olivia took the lead with no hesitation.

"Here, follow me" She softly instructed while she guided the blonde towards the closest bathroom. Amanda first stare the washbowl, until she gracelessly splashed her face with cold water. Olivia cautiously followed each of the movements the unsteady woman undertook, ready to catch her if needed.

Amanda blinked a few times and repeated the cooling action, which brought her back to reality.

"Easy" Olivia smoothed, rubbing the blonde's arms as she began coughing with disgust. "It's over" Olivia reassured.

"Let's just go home" The brunette exclaimed with sympathy despite her deep desire to know what happened with IAB.

The still confused blonde finally dared to face Liv. The brunette couldn't guess about the issue of the conversation, but there was one thing she noticed in Amanda's eyes: the hurtful hope of those who tried, of those who don't stop at the first obstacle, of those who have the courage to get wet, it meant she fought. "I'm proud of you Manda"


	32. Chapter 32

_**I Love** how your reviews are becoming more and more longer and how you really explain what you like (and dislike?). Every time I read a new one I feel like I wanna leave whatever it is that I'm doing to write you guys a new chapter. Please please please, do not apologize if it's a long comment because believe it or not, you guys made my day :)_

_Luv svu: Mmh, I was about to say yes, I could give you my name, but then I laugh internally, knowing that I'll give a false one. Each time I decide to write something and sign it… I froze. Why? Because I'm afraid someone will know me. I guess I would feel ok to talk about me, my life, but I just never shared it because I never found someone who would be able to take it. You're probably wondering what is the link with your question.. Well, it all begins with a name… But I don't mind PM so feel free to contact me if you like .. or I don't mind answering here as long as I stay "evasive". You're damn right people should comunicate more. Yeah I'm kind of a weirdo, I know. Haha! _

xxx**bless**xxx

* * *

Although Olivia was driving, it was hard to ignore Amanda's discomposure. It was time to deflate the stress and the brunette would lie if she told she didn't need it as well. "Hey, we could stop and have some decent breakfast, would you like that?"

Amanda shrugged her shoulders. "Sounds good", she mumbled with no conviction but noticing how delighted Liv sounded, she didn't have the heart to refuse the offer. She must also admit her empty stomach was complaining for some food even though the feeling of disgust wouldn't leave her alone.

Anyway, Olivia's enthusiasm brightened the mood "I'll take you to one of my favourite place. Don't worry, it'll not be crowded" It was a little late for breakfast but too early for lunch.

* * *

"So what do you think?" Olivia asked when they were settled in a quiet table.

Cosy atmosphere met with the quirky decoration. Amanda was specially grateful for the subdued light that gave her the illusion to pass unnoticed. "Really.. nice" The blonde regretted not to give a more developed opinion but keeping her mixed emotion under control was her priority. She still felt a little shaky.

Although they already ordered pancakes, Amanda didn't lift the head from the menu. The probability she would want something different was very low so Olivia interpreted her supposed absorption in the carte as a way to avoid conversation. From the way she kept biting her lips, it was discernible that the blonde would soon explain what happened in the interview room, she simply needed to find her own path. When she found the courage, she closed the menu carte but her hands needed to get busy, so she began to play with the towel instead. "I think it went good.. I don't know for sure because I was so.." She didn't end the sentence, as her nervousness increased.

"I know what you mean" Olivia interrupted softly. There was no use in reliving that stress again.

"They asked questions, I answered truthfully. I tried not to show I feel guilty, I hope it worked" Amanda admitted, tapping the table.

"Well, I'm sure you did great. If you haven't put the blame on you, because it would have been a lie" Olivia clearly insisted on the word 'lie', as to remind Amanda that nothing of what happened was her fault, "Then I'm sure it's understandable that you were a little nervous" IAB was aware of Amanda's assault and with a little common sense they would understand, at least she thought.

They interrupted the conversation when the waiter brought the order and Olivia silently caught the blonde's discomfort. She noticed as well how the younger detective rolled her eyes to the copious meal served. "Eat what you can Manda" Olivia smoothed to the discouraged woman.

"When they asked me how I ended up working undercover in that gambling club, I didn't know how to answer" Amanda whispered, not lifting the eyes from her dish.

Olivia sighed, this wasn't the point of the interview, but of course IAB always tried to dig wherever they could. Talking about the gambling was definitely a step she should cross with the blonde, as it seemed to be the cause of most of her sense of guilt

"I said Murphy recruited me for this job, that's what he already explained once… to save my ass" Amanda confessed so slowly Olivia had to read half of the message on her lips.

"You did great Manda.. you did really good.. Now eat something, come on" Olivia's encouraging smile wouldn't be enough to erase Amanda's remorse but the blonde wouldn't disappoint the elder woman who's been there for her and finally started her dish.

She ended up pushing the plate a few minutes later, leaving most of its content. "I'm sorry.. " She simply shook her head in defeat.

"It's ok" Olivia smiled, chewing the tasty pancake "A little bit rest and you'll feel better".

Olivia ended up her plate silently even though she felt thoughtful. The dark way Amanda gazed at her was unusual. The poignant sadness was hard to miss. She wasn't sure, but it seemed like the blonde sometimes even struggled to hold back her tears. Indeed, it was understandable that the pressure she's been suffering from upset her, but what alerted Liv was her non-attempt to hide it.

"I just wanna say.. I'm sorry if I pressured you.. I.. just wanted to help, you know that?" Olivia's first reaction to Amanda's pain was to explain why she'd been so hard on her, to appease some rancor the blonde maybe felt.

"I know.. I.." Amanda didn't realize until now that she had been so obviously staring at the brunette. "I.. guess I'm just tired" It wasn't exactly the truth, but it wasn't a lie neither. The blonde took a breath and looked the other way, she didn't mean to ruin the atmosphere but her thoughts had the cruel power to take her breath away.

"Of course" Liv nodded asking for the bill. Not that she was convinced but Amanda definitely needed the rest.

"Please let me invite you, it won't repay you but.." Amanda's urging would soon be cut by the brunette.

"No way! You haven't eaten anything, and above all, I don't need to be thanked. Don't you even try!" Between firmness and a kind smile, Olivia hoped she made the message clear but the only answer she received was a lament she couldn't even translate.

* * *

It was now time to stop leaning on others. It was now time to prove she could keep on staying on the right track. Amanda didn't realize until that day how much she'd miss Olivia's kindness. But all good things must come to an end, and she should let go of the exemplar woman's hand before she would be dropped. It's better fall when you have the feet on the ground: you hurt yourself less. If she gave some more trust to Liv, she'd end up miserable at the end, when she'd be pushed aside. But if thinking to move on was easy, practice wasn't. What Olivia interpreted as sadness, was actually melancholy.

The blonde once again swallowed her tears on their way back to Fin's even though she still didn't know how she would announce her intentions to Olivia. The brunette, feeling the obvious mental tension Amanda was in, stayed quiet, concerned for the obviously exhausted girl.

* * *

"Here, just take a nap, I bet you haven't closed an eye last night" Olivia warmly advised as soon as they reached Fin's apartment.

One more time, tormented eyes were the only answer the brunette got. It hurt too much to ignore them. "Honey, what is it?" Olivia asked with the deepest care.

It didn't sound right to obey her feelings, it was so selfish that the blonde shook her head.

"Hmm?" Olivia insisted, hoping that the conflicted girl would soon share her thought.

Maybe it was egoistic, but she couldn't fight the need of having a last moment of weakness. She would memorize how it felt forever, to be treasured, to feel protected. It will give her strength when the following days she'd find hard to even get up from the bed. She'd just remember that once in her life, she had a shoulder to lean on. Not everyone had the privilege to know that real friendship existed. The only memory of the compassion she received would help her to be forceful. Missing something was better than ruining it. "Would you stay?" Amanda finally asked, letting her head fall forward.

"Of course" Olivia answered naturally. "Of course I'll stay honey" Olivia soothed trying to make eye contact, hoping the blonde would perceive it wasn't an effort.

A few minutes after, Amanda was lying under the covers, while Olivia only elongated her legs, preferring to rest her upper-body on the bedhead. She respected Amanda's need to hide as the tears manifestly drew her face, but she offered comfort, softly stroking Amanda's shoulder. Asking or not asking, it was always the dilemma with the blonde. "Talk to me" The brunette implored at last, not standing to feel the blonde crawling into pieces.

"I need to take my life back, to go home" Amanda whispered, when she calmed down.

So this was it, Amanda was torturing herself again. "Is it what you want?" Olivia inquired cautiously.

"That's what I must do" The blonde clarified strangling herself with the new wave of tears.

Even though she couldn't see her, Olivia couldn't stop herself from shaking the head. "Shh" The brunette smoothed grabbing Amanda's hand protectively "Shh", she kept repeating from time to time until the fatigued woman cried herself to sleep. Finally, Amanda seemed to learn what trust was, but apparently, from her damaged point of view, it could only be ephemeral.


	33. Chapter 33

Hey! I know by the number of view that most of you didn't even have the time to read the chapter I posted yesterday, so sorry for the quick update! But it's a short chapter (and not the best one to my taste).. Well... I just wanted to write cuz I don't know when next update will be...

Luv svu: You were right, I was talking about my own past fears. I'm over it now.. and, that's not me I'm protecting with anonimity. Well, I've said too much already, so.. forget it. with PM I meant: I'm here to listen. Forget it, too. **PS**: I don't think you'll see this add but I didn't want you to feel bad so here's the answer to your last comment. I do not wish to come out for some reasons I can't share here. But I didn't plan to bother you in PM neither so do not worry. I can take care of everything by myself, I'm used to it and I don't mind. I also understand you do need your private space and I respect that. Last chapter woke some hurtful memory but it's fine too. I know you meant to encourage me about my writing, and it worked and I'm grateful for that. I guess I just remembered I'm here to give and not to take, which is the best part of life. It was nice of you to remember me humility. I thank you for that. For the next update: It's ok! I'm just really busy.. I'm into sport and this week-end is important so I won't have the time to write except if I can't sleep haha! Next chapter will be here asap. Take care of you. I wish you the best life has to offer.

Writing is about giving.. so I give you. I don't expect anything back.

xxxblessxxx

* * *

"Amanda let's take a minute to talk about it" Going back home. It was the blonde first thought as soon as she woke up, but Olivia refused to let her submerge in her misery.

"This isn't about you Liv. I need to take back control on my own life" Finding the courage to detach from the brunette requested all the strength of will she possessed. "Don't make this harder than it is" The determination in her voice was discordant with the avoidance of any eye contact. In reality, all she wished was to move from there before she had the change to change her mind.

As time flew by, Olivia figured out she'd have no possibility to stop the stubborn blonde: respecting everyone's free will was more than a rule of living. "Fine, I won't hold you back, but I'd like… no!" She stopped herself, realizing that the wording wouldn't affect her interlocutor, aiming at her heart was the only chance. "I need to tell you how I feel about this" Olivia didn't hesitate to stand right in front of the agitated figure letting her no other choice than to drop her bag on the ground. "Please"

The blonde nodded: Liv's attempt to ruin her need of regaining control would only increase her motivation so she was ready to listen. There was no way she'd let someone manipulate her again, it was a lesson learnt.

"Let's sit down for a sec would you?" Olivia gave the example, taking place on the leaving room but Amanda didn't follow. Physical distance marked her detachment.

"I'm listening" she answered, sitting on the window ledge, and of course looking outside.

"You're right, this isn't about me. It's about whoever hurt you. It's not about what you've been through, it's about what you didn't have." Olivia's peaceful whisper blew the blonde's defence away.

To cover up her vulnerability, Amanda let her ego speak. Like a feline defending her territory she briskly turned. "Speak of what you know!" Attacking before being attacked. Olivia didn't have the right too even allude to her sister, or any other family member. She didn't know the half of what happened, and nothing allowed her to play that card to disturb her.

Unperturbed, Olivia felt quite the opposite. She knew where to sneak the knife but she only used it as a way to break the ice. Now, all she desired was to find a way in. "All right. You want to regain control. I thought it was what we were doing, but of course, if you do not trust me, than it's better if.."

"I trust you" Amanda dryly affirmed.

Olivia gently reached for the blonde. "And how is that a problem, Manda?"

"It is" Amanda felt safe with the elder detective. The more she'd stay under her wings, the less she'd be able to leave the nest.

"It's been a week Amanda, a week. Do you really want to live in the place you've been violently assaulted? Do you think it's what you need right now?" Olivia could tell she stroke a chord from the way Amanda clenched her teeth.

"Poison is the cure" She smartly added though, refusing to welcome her emotions.

Of course it is when there is nothing left. "Yeah, sometimes" Olivia warmly smiled.

Amanda on the contrary was more afraid of the compassion the brunette offered her. "Don't you do that" she smirked.

"Do what?" The brunette's puzzled look illustrated her confusion.

"Smile and act like you can take whatever I throw you" No one should pretend the unthinkable.

Being honest wasn't cruel, it was needed. "Fine, wanna know what I can't take?" Olivia focused her eyes on the ceiling with concentration. She took the necessary time to concretely imagine a scene before slowly letting her heart speak. Her voice was filled with emotion but it was candid, no tricks. "To imagine you tonight, alone in your room, afraid to even move an inch. You try your best, and even succeed for a while, to handle yourself. When the fear takes command of your body, it's already too late… You don't even know how you let yourself captured in the chaos. You suddenly remember to breathe but terror doesn't allow you to remember how. You can't fight the feeling: they're here, they're upon you, they're inside you"

It was disturbing to know that Olivia imagined her in an indecent situation, it was even more annoying that she was so precisely right in the description of her own feelings. "Stop it!" Amanda finally shouted before noticing the brunette's teary eyes. Wherever Liv stood, there was compassion. But tears, no. She obviously wasn't faking it.

Anyway the brunette very quickly regained composure and seized the opportunity to reach the younger woman "Clear up a doubt for me will you? Are you afraid that I could hurt you or that I could leave you?"

Amanda shrugged her shoulders. "None" It meant both. In her blue eyes there was a storm and Liv wondered for a second if she should get ready to be struck. "I just need to be ready for the worst" So her eyes mirrored her fears for the future and not the tornado that already managed to destroy the basis of her beliefs.

Olivia grabbed the blonde hands and squeezed it "The worst is behind" It was an assurance, not a formula of comfort.

"How do you know that?" Amanda finally mumbled

"Because you chose to. Look at what you've been through already. Day after day, you'll take all the power back, just.. one step at the time" Amanda didn't have the necessary distance to appreciate the path she already crossed. It didn't matter how big the steps were, only the effort they required had value.

"I don't know where I'm going" Labyrinth of life was tortuous and foggy.

"Somewhere love is unconditional, somewhere you're safe to be you"

Amanda had no idea if such a place even existed. And if so, how was it like? She couldn't even dare to dream it. Since she could remember her life was outlined with problems. If you took them off, then what would remain of her? Who was she? Probably the last person on earth who didn't know what love, no matter what kind, was. Somehow, the last sentence Olivia used to appease her had the opposite effect. This time though, anxiety didn't have the time to threaten her. Olivia was there, smiling and caring.

"Now let's go, Frannie wanna play frisbeeee" The brunette jovially declared, pulling Amanda on her feet playfully.


	34. Chapter 34

_**I'm sorry for the delay, here is another chapter, I hope you'll like it and of course you'll let me know what you think. It's weird because I kind of missed you, just so you know.** **Thank you all so much for all your encouraging words, I'm glad to have you as readers. It's a weird chapter.. I'm not sure you'll like it but It's the only way I imagined Amanda opening up with sincerity... **_

_luv svu. We're fine. I apologise. I guessed I freaked out because no one ever red my fears. I thought maybe we could be friends, but I guess neither I, nor you is ready for this. Hmm anyway… do not change anything, I love your comments I'm glad to know that you understand my hidden meanings. Sometimes, I just can't answer here because It's too personal and if I don't mind answering you, I mind answering the whole world. Sometimes, it's just hard being my own Liv, but it's ok. _

* * *

It's been an enjoyable afternoon, filled with laugh and amusement. Amanda's abdominal pain was now vanished, except when she pulled her muscle with too much effort. Of course, she couldn't care less. Frannie was so glad to play with her mummy again that the blonde didn't even feel the little discomfort she should have when throwing the frisbee to the energetic dog. Olivia was glad for the deserved carefreeness time and she definitely had her daily dose of fun too. She wouldn't forget Frannie's cute way to tilt her head in order to inspire pity each time the brunette tried to take a break from the game.

* * *

They bought some Chinese on their way back, and had a quiet supper time. Amanda still struggled eating but she avoided any complaint since the day has been long enough for both women. Now, Olivia was hesitant about taking the next step forward. If it was true that Amanda's physical injuries finally healed, her bruised soul was still deeply aching.

Olivia finally decided to take up the discussion before her friend began to worry about night time. She broke the silence as they were settled in the leaving room. "Amanda, how would you feel about taking a new step forward?"

The question instantly perturbed the young woman. Her previous attempt to get rid of Olivia was of course a need to protect herself before being hurt but unconsciously it was also a way to withdraw before facing the hard reality. "And that would be?" She asked trying not to expose her vulnerability.

"The gambling" Olivia revealed the topic without judgement as her only intention was to lead Amanda on the way to forgiveness but the simple two words immediately tensed the climate. Amanda grabbed the blanket on her side and wrapped it around herself as a protection against her own shame. She couldn't find a reasonable answer.

Noticing the blonde's closing attitude, Olivia suggested another option. She patted her friends shoulder briefly, just the time to let her know she was acting for her own good. "Maybe it's something you prefer sharing with someone else than me, and I would totally understand" The first time Olivia proposed such a thing it upset the blonde, but now their level of trust made possible such a declaration.

"I'm not sure I wanna share this with you, but I'm certain I can't do it with anyone else at the moment." If she was going to drop the mask there was no one else she'd feel more comfortable with than the woman whose compassion was bottomless.

Amanda's sincerity both touched and encouraged Olivia to go on. "Well I could tell you I'm not here to judge but I'm not sure it'd help" She was perfectly aware that the blonde's greatest enemy was herself.

"I think I'm just not ready to face this" Amanda swallowed hard. Swallowing. And bottling everything inside, wasn't it easier to hide?

No. It wasn't! Olivia grabbed her hands and squeezed them, smiling with encouragement. "Yes you are. You were already working on it when you agreed to go to the meetings. Things didn't go as planned and I understand it broke something, but you were ready to change, you were trying so hard" If it wasn't for Nate and Lena, the blonde wouldn't have succumbed in her addiction again. Or would she?

"I didn't want to lose my job" Amanda never planned an introspective voyage, she just did what was needed to keep the only thing she was proud of, the only thing she succeeded in her life.

"And I could tell you the same thing, hun. If you don't regain control of your life, you'll lose your job." Although Olivia stated the facts, she didn't mean to pry. "But most of all, don't you think you owe it to yourself? You don't need that guilt, you can have everything you wish for if you just allow yourself to.

What did she wish for? She didn't even know. But Olivia spoke as if there was something beyond suffering, something so nice she couldn't dare to dream it. She didn't know how happiness tasted, and until now, she resigned to simply avoid it. "I don't know how to do it." Maybe, finding peace wasn't for her, if she accepted it, why Olivia couldn't do the same?

Because Olivia knew how suffering could destroy someone's biggest dream. Hope is such a fragile companion for the lonely ones. "Maybe I've got an idea.. but here's the thing.. I don't wanna draw it out of you, I'm giving you the control" Amanda would only be able to heal if she decided to, and not because Olivia forced her to.

The blonde rubbed her temples, letting out a pensive sigh. The risk of an open-heart surgery was huge. Amanda could never recover from the encounter with her dark side, she'd probably suffocate in her own hate and that's why she preferred hiding instead of healing. "M'not sure Liv"

"I am" Olivia warmly stated. "You're blinded with your own fear. But all I can see in your eyes is a wonderful soul"

Amanda quietly observed the brown eyes. They weren't comforting, they simply reflected Olivia's honesty. The blonde finally nodded.

* * *

Olivia was no psychologist and didn't pretend to be. But she was now familiar with Amanda's personality and once again, she followed her intuition. Amanda agreed to lie down on the couch and to close her eyes. Olivia reduced the light to help the young woman to forget her presence. The simplicity of the exercise didn't make it easy: welcome the emotions instead of chasing them.

The brunette sat in the corner sofa and began speaking as quietly as she could. "All right, let's imagine you're going back home, after a long and stressful day.. lead me.. What comes through your head?"

Amanda had just one desire, stop this stupid game. She let out a breath, discouraged.

"Just try this one, if you wanna stop, we'll stop" Beginning was the hardest part. Once Amanda would enter inside her mind, the outside wouldn't bother her anymore. Actually, Olivia was trying to use the same state of consciousness in which victims often experienced flashbacks, the moment when imagination became real. "Take a few deep breaths, and remember it's fine, you're okay"

Amanda suddenly shivered as her conscience whispered her that she didn't have anything to lose. That's how she ended up trying, with the credence that she already hit the bottom. "I.. I'm.. As soon as I'm home, I feel oppression, like I'm gonna break.. Emotions I can't control.. When I'm working it's fine, I'm busy.. but now that I'm home.. I just wanna shut the voice in my head." Amanda began with hesitation but soon, she lost notion of time and space, letting her imagination guide her. Her eyes were closed but they were blinking hastily as if she was dreaming and the serenity of her breath indicated she finally was focused on the task.

"What does the voice say?" Olivia spoke quietly but avoided any kind of emotion, she didn't want to manipulate the blonde in anyway, it was her own soul-searching and it was decisive that it remained so. Olivia wouldn't try to analyse the answer neither, it wasn't her role, she would just allow the woman to dig inside herself, nothing more.

"I don't know, I don't let it the time to find me.. I just feel like I'm gonna crawl and I can't let that happen" Amanda's voice, on the opposite, was filled with emotion. She was absolutely absorbed in her thoughts. It was also the first time she answered without thinking about the consequences and simply let herself go.

"It's fine… Now let's imagine you're in a gambling club… how are you feeling?"

"Guilty, the first 10 seconds, but then it doesn't matter anymore. I know it's wrong but I don't care, I'm in control"

"Even if you lose?" Olivia tried to be the least intrusive as possible.

"My mind is busy and that's what matters" Amanda's shameless voice perfectly illustrated the feeling of power, even illusory, that gambling procured her. It was an escape from reality, a way to control the uncontrollable, dealing with the material instead of drowning under the emotions. That was how much she cared about her life. One who had everything could be afraid to lose it, but she had nothing.

"When you come back home, how do you feel?" Olivia was still as neutral as possible.

"Even if I fucked up tonight, I'll do the same exact thing tomorrow. The only thing I want is to stop my brain from thinking. I don't wanna be here, in my head. I want to escape, I need to. It's the only way to survive." Once again, her tone revealed more than words already did. The division between shame and suffering created her hate. Tears were dropping on her cheeks and her racing heart hurt like an exploding weapon. It was the first time she was accosting this pain without being able to evade.

Noticing the blonde's distress, Olivia hesitated to ask a last question but went for it anyway, hoping it would help the blonde to deal with her guilt, to simply understand what led her there on the first place.

"Manda, when's the first time you gambled?"

Amanda focused on the question and it seemed to help, at first. She inhaled a few times and slowly explained her vision, in regular little bits. "Hmm.. in Atlanta.. I got a fight with my mum.. Her words hurt.. I just don't know.. went to a pub… I bet… nothing serious.. Then.. I didn't do it again until.." Suddenly, she lost control again. Her breath was more and more out of hand and Olivia feared for a second that the blonde would pass out but the detective in her couldn't help it, she had to ask. "Until what, Manda?"

"Stop!" The blonde cried out loudly, opening her eyes and sitting with a start.


	35. Chapter 35

_Thanks to the **guests** who said they missed this story. Yes, Olivia will comfort again Amanda, but in her own time. There are moments where I don't feel like it's appropriated because I believe Amanda is working so hard with so many mixed emotions that she can't welcome the hand that Olivia offers.. Hmm.. and yes, it takes me time to write.. but most of all it asks me to be in a special heart-disposition to welcome the emotions while writing. But when I can do it, I really put my heart in it and it's not a sacrifice, it's a pleasure to offer you a new chapter. **I just wanted to say I appreciate the quality and the sincerity of your comments. I feel like I wanna write every time I see a new notification.**_

_Luv svu: you know, it surprises me every time that you do know what I truly mean beyond words. Sometimes, it kind of affects me very much. Sometimes, it truly encourages me to know that in a weird way, you care. Haha. No, for real, in both cases, it helps because, you make me grow and if in any way I can offer you something positive, than I consider myself happy. I was deeply touched to know that you liked this particular paragraph.. Hmm.. I kind of supposed it would reach you in a way. (as a warning, you'll find pieces of my life in this chapt so..see, I come out in a way. but every chapter is a piece of something personnal) and it takes me about how much time to answer you than to write a paragraph of my story so you know. I really like talking to you.  
_

_xxxblessxxx_

* * *

One hand on her stomach, the other on her strictly closed mouth, Amanda was fighting a wave of nausea while Olivia quickly grabbed the closest container she could find. It seemed the blonde managed to avoid the sickness though, and she now was trying to catch her breath. Air entered inside her lungs in little gasps as she still clenched her teeth, afraid of anything that could come out of her mouth.

Olivia didn't break the silence and even though she tried at first to reach for the woman in difficulty, she stopped herself from offering compassion since Amanda's defensive mode was engaged.

"Why did you bring me there?" Amanda angrily asked, looking at Liv as if she was responsible for all her misfortune "Why!?" She repeated, drying the watery eyes with her right arm and restlessly clapping her feet on the ground.

"Honey, it wasn't me" Olivia maintained her calm. "You did"

Amanda sunk her nails into her skin, deep inside her thighs. It hurt as much as it helped to seize the vicious circle of her reality.

"Honey, would you like to tell me what happened it Atlanta?" Olivia didn't expect an ovation for her question but on the other hand, not asking could mean she didn't care.

"You already know!" Amanda refrained from adding any superfluous comment. The brunette was her boss after all and had access to her file. It was useless to remember why she had been transferred from Atlanta.

"It's ok, I won't make you tell me, but just so you know, I respected your privacy"

Forcing her to talk now wasn't relevant. By contrast, it was easy to understand her current insecurities if every person she had placed a little trust in the past betrayed her. It would be hard to reason with the displeased blonde tonight but since she was still caught in the past, hoping she would get some decent sleep in her condition was pretentious. At least, Olivia needed to appease a little tension. "Amanda, were you able to understand something significant about yourself?"

"Oh, I didn't know I should write an essay!" Amanda's venom couldn't reach the peaceful brunette who was now immunised. In answer to verbal aggression, she offered a glass of water and a considering smile.

It was enough to induce Amanda's regret for being rude with the wrong people. She capitulated. "I've been losing my life trying to ignore the problems so.. I guess everything comes with a prize." Gambling was the easy trap to fall into. The very first time she gambled, after the fight with her mum, she remembered the exact sentence she heard before leaving home. "You only think about your own ass just like your father!" Pronouncing these words loudly made her shudder.

Fortunately, Olivia didn't ask for more details. The brunette was smart enough to collect the pieces and understand the unfairness she endured. Amanda's wound hurt her own heart. Power of compassion sometimes was a calamity. In a few seconds she felt trapped in Amanda's past situation: a girl who didn't care about having been abused because she was restlessly working to provide a roof for her family. A girl who naturally sacrificed her own childhood for the wellness of others.

Olivia shook her head to regenerate her guiding role. "Back then, maybe you didn't have any better options than keep going. You did what you could with what you had." It was obvious that the blonde didn't have the help she needed and couldn't afford to break at the time.

Amanda shrugged her shoulders with fatality. She felt like the brunette was looking for some excuses to explain her cowardice. "Now it's a little too late for playing the broken one don't ya think?"

"I think now's the perfect time honey" It wasn't a coincidence if her subconscious led her there. Even if she wasn't ready to see it yet, Amanda wasn't alone anymore and would never have to be again. Her past wounds would never be erased but she had now an opportunity to mend her broken heart. Olivia was simply providing the sew cotton. "I think now is just fine"

Amanda felt like it was impossible to pick up the pieces. Everyone had a goal, hers was just not to crawl. Whatever she would decide now, she'd always stay behind. "I'm tired" The blonde finally announced to shorten the discussion and also because she did feel drain.

* * *

Olivia appeared in the guest room once the blonde was ready for bed. "I think I'd like to be alone tonight" Amanda admitted turning the light off. To be truthful, her heart was so heavy she couldn't even stay up anymore.

"I know" Olivia whispered slowly. "And I'll go in a few minutes.. I just wanna tell you a story" Maybe it was foolish, but she wouldn't be able to leave until she executed herself. Either the young woman would laugh at her, or she would understand that she wasn't pretending. Olivia would never admit that this method filled some of the missing scene of her own life. She always knew that one day she would be able to share. A healed wound becomes magic, it receives the power of empathy.

With a motherly sweetness and a sisterly solidarity, Olivia began. "There was a time a very courageous little girl, with a big heart and solid shoulders."

Olivia closed her own eyes to soften her voice and to be in the moment. "She gave the best of her, again and again and again, even though people always abused her kindness."

Between each sentence, she took a little pause, and lowered her voice. "They hurt her so much until she was finally convinced that life was a sickness"

Olivia internally sighed thinking about how sadly these words would echo inside Amanda's ears.

"Today, this little girl inside your heart needs to be reassured, she deserves to know nothing was her fault. Tell her you haven't forgotten her. Everything little Amanda fought for, will be honoured." Olivia smoothly stroked the blonde's hair as she came nearer to whisper. "Tell her, please do"

Amanda would probably have sniggered at the idea if she hadn't read between the lines. Olivia's voice transmitted a radiant message she couldn't describe, but nevertheless could appreciate. The brunette disappeared quietly letting behind her the scent of indulgence.

* * *

"Little Mandy, I'm.. yeah.. I just wanna tell you.. hmm" Amanda surprised herself whispering a few minutes after being alone. Damn, why was it so hard to talk with nobody? For no explainable reason, she couldn't stop trying though, and for the first time in her life a sensation of warm wrapped her heart. If it was good or not, she couldn't tell, but it felt.. alive.

"Mandy.. just so you know… it wasn't your fault.. you.. did what you could" Amanda first repeated the same words Olivia used before, not really knowing what else to say… but suddenly.. She realised. It was more than what she could: she managed to survive the emptiness. "You did good.. I guess" she added in a shiver.

Welcoming the sweet bitterness, Amanda sneered at the irony of the situation. The girl she was twenty years ago believed in a better world, and found the daily courage to fight for it. She used to struggle day and night for something that is even banished from her actual dreams. Somewhere along the way, she lost her objective but what once was could be found again. "Don't ya worry girl.. we'll make it". Tears of sorrow tasted like forgiveness.


	36. Chapter 36

_Thank you all the guest reviews. some of you are really nice and I really wanted to say that it means a lot. don't thank me to write, I thank YOU to read. OOH, and I love to know which lines you liked.. :)_

_Teddie, thank you very much for the nice encouraging words, but even for an svu episode they wouldn't want my life story, they'd probably think it's too much ya know?! So.. I just chose to deal with it alone and yeah, it may sound sad, but it really isn't. I'm fine. I wish you love and serenity. And yeah, I'll definitely write about what happened in Atlanta. Maybe next chapter.. _

_Luv svu: I sometimes do not want Amanda to heal as well, because it means imagining the things I wish I had but it's part of the "being my own Liv" so …. hmmm.. it's ok!_

_Yeah, there were crumbles of my own story in last chapt but.. every chapter has so.. it's not as if someone could read through it._

_Big heart means Big delusions but il also mean Big possibilities so I feel blessed whatever happened and whatever will happen. i hope you feel the same way and that you're as fine as you say you are because, you know, I do care. and btw.. I talk a lot with my inner child... don't laugh! :) _

**_xxxblessxxx_**

* * *

3 AM.

"Oh, uhm.. Sorry.. did I wake you up?" Amanda was curled on the sofa, watching sport channel. Sleep wasn't really her friend anymore.

Fin filled a glass with water and gulped it instantly. "It's all good, wanna a beer?" The contrast with the joke and his serious expression intrigued the puzzled blonde. She jeered at him while her eyes pointed at the screen.

He gently pushed Amanda's feet to get a free spot on the sofa. "Wanna talk?" he added more seriously.

"There isn't much to say. I'm tired of self-pity ya know?" Her problems were nothing in confront of the world's misery.

"You wanna be humble? Stop spitting on what life offers you"

The blonde always appreciated Fin's honesty, but sometimes, it was hard to associate the right meaning attached to his comments. He usually was a man of few words but Amanda still glanced as if she was chagrined.

"Humans are weird. They pile up problems like treasures and reject help like hell" Fin added to alleviate her conscience. "The world is still spinning even if you stop for a second.… take you time Manda."

The last hour she spent watching a baseball game didn't tranquilize her enough to sleep, and now Fin was there, with wise theories about life and stuff. Time to what? She sighed as she let her head crash on the cushion behind her.

"If you think your life is insignificant, you're right." Every life was dust compared to the majesty of universe. "But change scale: your single life can change hundreds of others. Just put yourself together first will ya?" Fin quietly said as he solidly grabbed her partner's shoulders.

Even though Fin would never tell how much he cared, she could sincerely feel it, that night, staring into his brown eyes. What changed? Maybe her own perspective. During the three years they had been partners, she'd seen him pissed off more than once. But now, he wasn't. Now, he was acting like a real friend. His frankness was the greatest gift he could offer, the result of the trust he still placed in her. Amanda nodded, grateful for his esteem.

* * *

Silence was the first thing Olivia noticed when she arrived at Fin's place, the next morning. "Amanda's sleeping?"

Fin shook her head "Nah, she needed to go home, take some clean clothes."

Her non-approval glance was almost famous in the precinct, so Fin surely detected it in an instant.

"And I know what you think, but Liv, we can't carry her all the way through. If we don't trust her, don't expect her to trust us" Fin was worried as well, the second Amanda asked to borrow the car he felt his heart forcing out of his chest but the blonde sounded like she needed him to accept.

"Yeah, I get that.. but not…. now… just … no!" Olivia didn't take the time to develop her answer. She and only her knew how it was like, to suddenly feel the degradation that a flash-back could bring. Amanda's place wasn't somewhere she should go alone. The brunette reached for her phone on the same time she entered inside her car.

* * *

Without too much thinking, the blonde found her way to her bedroom. Each deep breath she took chased away an obscene image of her recent assault. But there was nothing she could do to fight the voices in her head. "You're disgusting", she frenetically heard. Amanda was focusing on not letting her imagination supplant the reality but the more the seconds ticked away, the most her senses were playing her. She was now back in the corridor and all she needed to do was reach for the door and leave, but her feet took root on the floor. When the bag she was holding fell on the ground, she flinched. She grabbed her throat with both hands as she couldn't get rid of the obnoxious perfume that suddenly intoxicated the air. The aversion for the overpowering cologne prohibited her to breathe but at the same time it literally took her back in the past.

That's how Olivia found her, blankly staring at the square feet where she's been humiliated, subdued, oppressed.

"Sweetheart" Olivia tactfully announced her presence. The simple voice wasn't enough to catch the conflicted woman's attention so Olivia didn't hesitate to appear in her field of vision. "Honey, it's Olivia" She carefully claimed.

Once she was sure it was fine to make a physical contact, she grabbed the young woman by the waist. "Let's get out of here"

Even though Amanda nodded, she simply couldn't detach her eyes from the floor and her horrified expression didn't let much of a choice to the brunette.

"Come on!" Olivia insisted again, almost transporting the blonde outside of the apartment. Maybe Fin was right. They couldn't carry her all the way through, but they surely could catch her when it was needed.

"I almost did it" Amanda whispered, while Olivia was still holding her protectively.

"That's good Manda, that's very good"

* * *

Olivia inserted the key into the ignition but didn't start the engine. Amanda was hiding her face with her hands and even though she seemed calmer, she obviously needed a break. She was really grateful that Olivia came to meet her because the rushing thoughts that filled her head wouldn't have allowed her to drive back.

"I feel like I'm at a crossroad" The blonde finally confided, sighing. "One road is secure, but it'll lead me nowhere" It was the way she took her whole life, the circular one that sooner or later would bring her back to the starting point. Even though she finally realised it was a hopeless road, her instinct and pride was still tempted to take it.

"What about the other way?" Olivia gently asked.

"Hmm.. that one's scary" Amanda admitted in a snigger.

"Why is that?"

"It's a road with no return you know? I can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel" In this path, courage was synonym of sincerity.

"But you know there is?" Olivia asked with surprise. The brunette might sound astonished but actually it was a lighthearted sensation. Catching sight of the light wasn't as important as being faithful about its presence. Amanda didn't realize it yet, but she found the certainty she was waiting for, the assurance that her happiness was possible. A few days ago it would have been unimaginable.

"Yeah, I'm just not sure how far I can go" Amanda's fears were understandable and Olivia didn't judge because she exactly knew how demanding the ascent was.

"You can go as far as you let go" The brunette's simple answer appeared to be a good conclusion since Amanda silently nodded but when Olivia buckled up her seat belt, Amanda closed her eyes.

"Liv.. I'm… scared" The shaky voice resounded with fragility. "You.. you can't hold my hands forever" It was said. As vulnerable and ridiculous as a she might appear, the blonde took the tremendous risk to admit a weakness.

Olivia tightly grabbed Amanda's hands. "Look at me" she kindly asked, aware that the words she'd use now would have a deep impact on the insecure woman who refused the eye contact. "You can't worry for a future situation because you have no idea of how amazingly you'll feel, when it's time. And until then, I'm not letting you go. I promise."

Olivia understood how brave she's been to transform her own abandonment issues into a helping hand. She became blessed the day she accepted everything she was, strengths and weaknesses. Amanda had the same inner capacity, she simply needed to find it.

"I got you" Olivia repeated, persuaded that simple words to hold on to were the only thing the blonde needed right now "I got you"


	37. Chapter 37

_I was glad to know that my story reached 300 reviews. But you know what I'm truly glad about? The quality of your comments, the developed answer you take the time to give me. **You are awesome, all of you**: Kaycie, ffedeline, dragonspirit, scullyprentis, teddy, goduke4, bommiej, and guest, guest, guest, guest..._

_Luv svu: You made my day everytime!.. you didn't answer to my question but you just turned it back.. haha smart move! I'm not in a journey alone, but please, don't be sad about it, I know one day I will and it'll be the most amazing experience of my life. I'm not saying that everything's ok. But I am ok, see the difference? And Yes, I carry a heavy load but no, it doesn't weigh a thing. I don't want to say goodbye either, specially not to you, whoever you are.  
_

**_xxxblessxxx_**

* * *

The tension was palpable since Amanda and Olivia were back at Fin's place. The weight of Liv's silence, supported with her regular accusing glances towards the uncommunicative man drained the air.

"Hum, I'm sorry for your car I.. couldn't.. drive back so" Amanda hesitantly broke the ice. To say the truth, she felt like the awkward atmosphere was her responsibility. Of course Fin and Olivia didn't argue in front of her but she was astute enough to imagine their previous motives.

"Yeah, don't worry for that" Indubitably he meant it. According Amanda the freedom she asked wasn't a mistake but maybe he didn't anticipate the possible consequences.

"Amanda why don't you lie down for a while?" Olivia protectively advised, noticing the tiredness of her features. The last two sleepless nights were engraved on her pale face. Indirectly, the brunette's intention was to insist on not burning steps and she hoped the message reached Fin's ears.

"Hmm no, I'm good" She was indeed exhausted, but most of all she felt tired of feeling tired. Her new resolution was definitely to stop the daily naps, hoping it would help her to sleep when it was appropriated.

Fin, who had the morning off, was studying the newspaper on the kitchen table, while Olivia was working on a file in the leaving room so the blonde hesitated before going on. Last thing she wished was disturbing the two of them, but she couldn't stand the steely discomfort. "Actually, I've been thinking about it last night.. I.." Her intervention straightaway got the attention it deserved, Fin and Olivia both stopped whatever they were doing but for the blonde, it didn't sound right so she stopped.

Instead of focusing on the speech, Olivia listened to the blue eyes that delivered a subtle message accessible for the soulreaders only. That's how the brunette understood that the shy courage the blonde firstly gathered had suddenly been annihilated by a persuasive doubt. "Go on… just trust your impulse" Olivia encouraged with an approval nod.

Amanda studied the brunette's face for a few seconds, she couldn't decide if it was right but she just felt like going on anyway. Everything considered, it wasn't such a big deal. "I may wanna tell you about what happened in Atlanta"

Not only mattered what she was about to say, but also and mostly the fact that for the first time, she was about to share something deliberately. It was a symbol of trust, maybe a compensation for the time she's been allowed to take. Olivia abandoned the paperwork while Fin cleared his throat. "Hmm, I'll leave you two alone"

"No!" Amanda shook her head with resolution "No ! It's fine if you stay… I mean… I don't mind" And once again, the end of her sentence lost the initial determinism. She didn't want him to feel forced to listen, but unadroitly the blonde gave him the right to know, the esteem he deserved for always respecting her.

Olivia simply offered a smile to the nervous woman. "We're here to listen. And just so you know, nothing will leave this room"

"Yeah, just get this outta your chest girl" Fin added casually even though he was already hating whoever dared to hurt her partner.

"It… hum.. it's nothing that bad.."Amanda didn't know how to start. It was her decision to tell them but it didn't make the talk easier. "Sorry" Her voice was shaking and each words that escaped her mouth seemed painful. "Remember Sam? My old captain.. You met him once. Actually, he was the only one I really get along in Atlanta.. He was.. He knew about my family issues and how hard I worked to get this job." She addressed the beginning of the speech to Fin who carefully nodded, making regular eye contacts but trying not to seem too invading.

Amanda took a big breath and turned around to face Olivia. "Take your time" The brunette encouraged, proud of this sudden impetus of trust.

"Anyway.. I was the only woman in the team.. and.. it was hard to gain the men's respect. There was the.. the deputy chief" Amanda lightly scowled, remembering the imposing and pretentious man. "He was into me.. but I could handle him though. He was a little too tactile for my tastes but.. I thought the problem was mine so.. I just pretended I didn't care"

Olivia didn't buy the blonde's apparent detachment. She wished Amanda would have the appropriate support, at least coming from her old captain. No woman should suffer from intimidation but unfortunately it still often was a reality, and even more in the typically masculine profession.

"One night, after a tough case, the deputy chief was driving me back home. We just had a drink with the team.. but that's only when he stopped the car that I noticed he probably had more than one" Amanda marked a pause, she remembered that night how she wished she could have refused his offer. All the team was looking at her and she didn't feel like she had a choice. She should have known better. Olivia gently stroke the pensive woman, to bring her back into reality. "It's ok" she simply whispered.

"Ohm.. he.. tried to kiss me, I begged him to stop.. he was grabbing my throat, I just lost it.. I punched him, unlocked the door and ran.. nothing happened I told ya.." As she approximately narrated the story, the blonde was reliving the actual facts in her mind: the way she desperately shook the locked door several times, the potency reflecting in the deputy's eyes as if the whole world was his property, the oxygen she cruelly missed while his fingers were compressing her throat.

"Anyway, I… I tried to get along with the situation.. to go on doing my job" Amanda nervously bit her lip, ashamed of the passivity with which she handled the incident.

"Why's that?" Fin gave her partner a suspicious look, just enough to let her realize they noticed the missing part. Their concern was undeniable and explained why they certainly wouldn't let a detail skip.

Amanda shrugged her shoulders. Of course, they would ask about it. Maybe it was the hardest part to admit, the one that hurt more than the chief's misconduct. "Hmm.. When I told Sam what happened.. He felt sorry.. but.. We all had been drinking.. The deputy chief had a black eye, I was looking okay so.. the better thing to do was just to forget about all of it." Preserving their own image was obviously more important than showing consideration for the blonde.

"Yeah sure, that's a friendly advise" Fin ironically retorted while Olivia shook her head with disbelief.

That's how she ended up in Manhattan, with the feeling that she hadn't been able to cope with something obviously insignificant. The day she was transferred, she promised herself that this time, she would not let someone come close enough to hurt her. New-York was a fresh start and most of all an opportunity to let the past behind but there was no distance that could kill the monsters she hid in her own darkness.

Olivia and Fin both came closer to the young woman who was doing her best to dry her shiny eyes. "This shouldn't have happened" Olivia stated firmly.

"I know you both think I.."

Before Amanda even had the chance to let escape an absurdity, Olivia interrupted. "Honey, what I think is.. I just wish I had been there to help.. and I'm sure Fin"

Fin interrupted successively "Yeah, I wish I had been there too, but not for the same reasons" His big voice surprised both women.

"Yeah, Fin would have kicked everyone's ass" Olivia tried to joke and even though the situation was serious, the image of Fin actually scheming a disaster drew a light smile on the blonde's face.

The three of them took a moment to appreciate the return to a state of calm. The meaningful look Liv and Fin exchanged was worth a million words. Amanda needed both of them and they would work as a team to help her go through every single struggle.

The blonde let out a liberating suspire, realising that sharing her experience actually discharged her from an abyssal scruple. Maybe she wasn't the only one to blame for what happened in Atlanta. Maybe, just maybe, there was a difference between friendship and bullshit. Was it a dream become true or a disguised nightmare? She certainly wouldn't find out today, but for now, it didn't matter. The 'thank you' she couldn't articulate evaded from her smiling eyes.


End file.
